MDillon Designs & Publishing

Journey Back to You

You know the amazing thing about faith is how fleeting it is. One incident can completely erode faith. And I know firsthand.

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Text states: Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist, We lose more than just time in toxic relationships. We may lose our family, friends, goals, & possessions.
Sometimes we lose our peace, love, and faith. mdillondesigns.com

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Many years ago, I was in school working on my master’s degree and I met a man. I had no idea that he would become one of the greatest influences in my life.

When I returned to school for my master’s I was at the peak of my spiritual life. I was devout in the church and my focus was Jesus Jesus Jesus. I had “rededicated my life to God” and decided that I was going to do whatever it took to live a life of “purity.” I gave up all secular television and music. I only watched kid’s programming and the news, outside of Christian music and tv shows. I didn’t want to risk seeing or hearing something that would cause me to sin.

And then I went away to school and on my first day of registration I met this man who would become my undoing.

I’ll spare you the details, and just say that after he became involved in my life my ethics and morals went out the window. I was doing things I would NEVER do just to keep him. I became dedicated to him and no longer to God, and my life was going down down down.

I began to lose … focus… autonomy…. money…. my health… my friends, family, freedom… and eventually my faith.

So much kept going wrong once I brought him into my life. It was like the Universe was shouting “Run, Forrest!” and I wasn’t catching on. Unfortunate incident after unfortunate incident happened, maybe in an attempt to wake me up and slap some sense into me, but I didn’t get the message. I was all in, dedicated, and trying daily to prove to him that I was loyal, committed, and worthy. As my life, my dreams, my health, my relationships, and my focus in school unraveled, I turned on God. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t support us, wouldn’t help us, I mean we were dedicated to doing the “Lord’s work.” Without a ring… ever… I took him as my head. I followed him around like a puppy, constantly doing all I could to prove to him that I was his “ride or die.” I even slept in our car with him in a Kroger parking lot… multiple nights. He was dedicated to God (apparently) and I was dedicated to him.

Seeing how bad our lives had become on his journey to follow God’s voice, I became increasingly frustrated. I was following what he believes God told him and was living off of baby carrots, peanut butter, and 2 percent milk (that we kept cold by leaving it on the roof of our car at night). I wasn’t receiving messages of confirmation, but I figured God liked men more so didn’t feel the need to fill me in on what was happening with our life. I could see it was tanking, but God had stopped answering my prayers long ago so I didn’t have anything to say to “Him” anyway. I had dedicated my entire life to God, being a bible thumping, Jesus tee wearing, devoted as heck Christian (I even had one that said “Crack a bible. Get high with Jesus,” that I proudly wore to high school!) And for that dedication, all I had to show for it was a million bad days.

I was living in a roach infested apartment with no furniture. Correction, we had one piece of furniture—one of those polyester folding chairs that slides into the matching polyester bag with the shoulder strap. Yeah… we had nothing but our clothes, linens, my computer, and my beautiful puppy.

BTW… I was 6 months pregnant. When we arrived at our new apartment we had one more furniture item, a full sized air mattress. But my larger than life “fake fiance” refused to let the pregnant woman have the bed while he slept on the floor so he climbed onto that air mattress with me night after night until it eventually gave under the pressure of his weight plus mine. I hated him for that. But of course I never said anything. Instead I grabbed our towels and clothes and stuffed them in pillow cases and made myself a pallet on the floor. It was terribly uncomfortable, with all my pregnant woman aches and pains. I hid under a fitted sheet tucked under my head, and feet and all around me, to keep bugs off of me while I slept.

I was in hell.

My life had been a sh*t storm from the second he entered it, but it wasn’t until a decade later that I truly saw the pattern. From declining grades and falling ill, to getting into a car accident the day we were to move in together. (Yep. As I was pulling over to park at our apartment, I took the side mirror off an Escalade with our U-Haul.) One day, I accompanied him for an outdoor workout, and got hit in the face with a golf ball and cracked my jaw. (He, of course, was kind enough to drop me off at home—not the ER—then returned to the forest preserve to complete his workout.) We got evicted (twice), couch surfed, slept in our car, lost our minivan (that was totaled when he allowed a teen driver to use it to practice for her driver’s ed exam). I gave up my family, my friends, lost my dog, and had more embarrassing moments than I can count.

I prayed in vain for support all our years together and finally accepted that God was not listening. So I decided to stop talking to “Him.” I literally in one final prayer told God to eff off, and that I was done.

Surprisingly, the heavens didn’t open with one targeted lighting bolt to take me out. Nothing happened. I accepted the silence and when problems arose, I took the approach of a realist. No more nonsense praying. God wasn’t taking my calls, so I decided to hang up my faith.

What I realized recently, is that although I have rebuilt my spiritual life and have chosen a bit of a different approach regarding the presence of God, my faith is still up in the air.

Although that relationship was over a decade ago, I still haven’t found my way back to hope, joy, or most importantly, faith.

Sometimes we lose more than just time in toxic relationships. We lose our family, friends, goals, dreams, possessions, health, and credibility…. And sometimes we lose even more.

So today I am writing to you honestly to say that I acknowledge that although I lost plenty of tangible things, the greatest loss was my faith. And I don’t mean my religious affiliations. I mean my ability to believe that more is possible, that things get better, that the universe supports me.

It’s been just in the last few days that a shift began within me. I am feeling the lens of hopelessness lifting from my eyes. I am beginning to believe again… and deeper than I ever have before.

I’m not putting my belief and faith in others, but in the divinity that lies within me. I am taking less outside advice and tapping into the higher voice within me and listening for guidance. I am seeing ways to combine my gifts and share them with my audience. I am accepting that I have something of value to say.

If you have found value in my blog posts, I believe you’re really going to love my podcast. I currently post DAILY and it’s FREE! You can listen on SoundCloud or (as of two days ago) on Youtube. I will continue to blog here bi-weekly (approximately once every 10-14 days). If you want more of my work, words, and insights, I highly recommend you check out my new podcast Share & Let’s Live! with Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist. For the month of August, I’ve been focusing on inner healing regarding the use of our imagination. It’s a powerful series and you can catch it daily. Links & a preview below.

Maybe you can relate to bits of my story. Maybe there’s a person, or a past incident, that kicked the faith legs right from under you. Maybe you had a bad relationship that taught it’s unsafe to love. Maybe you’ve had so many bad breaks that you no longer experience joy….

I wrote this post for you. We get to heal from what we’ve been through. We can grab the lessons and slowly discard the pain. We can see these incidents as moments rather than predictions of what life gets to be for us. We can take our lives back a little at a time.

Let’s begin to seek our inner guidance for clarity on next steps we can take to restore our lives and our core values. Maybe we rewrite a few rules on how we know what to believe in, whom to love, and what qualifies as joy. Maybe we breathe deeply in nature and slowly take the trek back from lost to found. I won’t tell you specifically what you need to do, because I believe our answers are within.

I just know it’s time to slowly work our way back to peace, love and faith. I am so ready. Are you?

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Don’t forget to check out my new podcast on YouTube! It’s also available on SoundCloud. Tons of empowering episodes to listen to there. New episodes will be on both platforms. Blessings, always.

Don’t Give Up; I’m Not

Venting….

Imagine being in the middle of the ocean not fully knowing how to swim but too committed to staying alive to go under .

Lately I have been feeling the weight and the exhaustion of staying afloat. I saw a meme once that said something like motherhood is like being ejected from a plane and on the way down you have to attach everyone’s parachute, but yours. Then you hit the ground, but you don’t die. You just get up and make dinner.

I’m sure I butchered the original wording, but that’s my take on it. And if I’m being fully honest, I didn’t start attaching and opening everyone else’s parachutes when I became a parent. I’ve been doing it my whole life… Putting myself last and being “‘okay’ as long as everyone else is okay,” has been a way of life from childhood. But was I ever okay?

Lately, I’ve been looking back, trying to make sense of present challenges. And the thing that’s weird and a bit sad is I can’t remember being happy. As far back as I look I can remember loneliness isolation feeling in the way feeling out of place but I can’t remember a time of feeling consistently happy.

Every once in awhile I come across one of those posts where some person who clearly had a happy childhood make some general reference about if you can remember drinking from a garden hose or watching The Flintstones or some other random childhood memory that you definitely had a happy childhood. Each time I see those I realize how unaware people can be that everyone doesn’t share their experience.

I was sitting here writing in haiku format to get the thoughts out of my head and this is one of my journal entries…

“People call me strong.
At best I’m moving broken.
Half dead but won’t croak.”

It was this haiku that got me writing this. It was a bit jarring, but honest. When I tell people that I’m tired they suggest that I take a nap. But how long is a nap for someone who has been emotionally exhausted for over a decade? How much restorative sleep and relaxation is needed for someone who has been dragging themselves along, trying (in vain) to keep up since kindergarten? How many days do you take off when you have been trying to stay afloat in the ocean for 40 years?

When I say I’m tired I’m not talking about I need a nap. I need reprieve from the weight of my best efforts never being enough. I need a rest from the solution to every problem being more work. I need the kind of rest that doesn’t feel like I’ve set myself back. I need to be able to rest and know that I haven’t put myself even farther behind.

I saw a post the other day that said something like adulthood is needing to cry non-stop for 4 days, but not having the time to do it. I think I could cry non-stop for 2 weeks. But who has the time?

I was talking to my daughter in the car as we were driving to the store and I just told her that my to-do list just gets longer. It’s just more stuff even as I complete things more things are added so it never gets shorter. And no matter how much I do how much I overcome how much I accomplish still have to endure haters who say I ain’t doing sh*t. And I have to overcome my own mind that is saying the same, because despite what I do I am still dealing with the same problem. That gets to you after a while.

And this is just me letting off steam. I intro by saying that I’m venting. I don’t have any give up in me. Regardless of how much I may want to or be tempted to. I’m going to keep going I’m going to keep growing and going to keep making adjustments in how I think talk and show up.

And tonight I’m giving myself the freedom to admit that that doesn’t always feel good…. and that it can be exhausting… And then maybe only one person can relate, but to whoever you are just know you’re not alone. I’m not giving up and I’m asking that you don’t either.

I have the audacity to believe that it does get better than this. That regardless of how it feels, or looks, right now that things can get better, we can get better, and we can handle life better. I believe that life gets to be enjoyable, that it’s not over, that I am within reach of what I need to know, believe, or experience that turns the tide… that becomes my life raft… that makes what felt permanent become temporary. Even if the circumstance cannot change, we can change how we handle and process it. I believe that. I believe there is more for us, and holding space for you and myself at this moment. Do. Not. Give. Up. Let’s see what’s on the other side of this.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Praying for you right now… for us. 🙏🏾🤗🙏🏾

Healing Affirmation for Artists & Creatives

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I’ve been hearing about the “starving artist” since childhood. As early as third grade, “artists don’t make a dime until they’re dead,” was my canned response when people told me I was talented and should be an artist when I grew up. I’ve known all my life that I didn’t have a chance. And in my environment I wasn’t even seen as an artist; that position was already taken. So I really really didn’t have a chance….

I realize I was conditioned to believe I’d fail if I stepped off the beaten path, but what if the beaten path feels wrong? What if the beaten path is too hard… too uphill for how my brain works and how I’m wired? What if the beaten path is completely opposite to who I am?

But then again, who am I to tell EVERYBODY that I’m going to be the ONE who makes it? Who am I… who’s failed at so much, quit on so much… who struggles with self-confidence… who was always the “runt of the litter” in every circle I found myself in…?

Who am I to say, “I’m going to make it?” Who am I to say, “I get to do it differently?” Who am I to say, “But it’s gonna work for me because THIS IS WHO I AM?”

I don’t fit anywhere else. This is me. I swear I’ve tried to get in line and do what everyone else is doing. I tried. I tried so hard. But this is me. I can’t do anything else. I can’t be anything else. It calls me when I try. It won’t leave me. It’s like a dull ache in my soul that won’t leave me alone. It won’t let me be like everyone else.

I don’t want to be a misfit. I don’t want to stand out. I don’t want to go against what everyone else is doing. But I can’t keep trying to be you. I have to be me. I have to let go of you… of your beliefs about what it takes to succeed… of your criticism of my choice to leave the path, … of your certainty that I will fail.

I have to stop going uphill, and upstream, and accept that some of us are meant to carve our own path. Some of us have to dare to believe… wholeheartedly… that we get to succeed another way.

Trying to be you had me failing. I struggled to be you. It was too hard, too unnatural. Then, I tried to be you while trying to be me. That didn’t work either. It’s like trying to go south and north at the same time.

I’m getting nowhere. I have to let you go. I have to accept that the path MORE traveled is for y’all. And I get to take a different path.

It’s okay for me to follow the guidance in my heart and believe that I’ll get there MY way…. that my route is meant for me, and if I follow it with a concentrated focus, and expectation to succeed, that I will get there. I get to stop feeling guilty for not following your path… the route that most people take. I get to accept that I’m an individual and the call in my soul wouldn’t be so strong in the opposite direction if I was meant to follow you.

I get to believe in myself, MY inner guidance, MY talents, MY skills, MY interests, MY passions, and my path.
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

The other day, I had this grand revelation. It was linked to my new core belief that “whatever is true replicates itself in nature.” So I looked for examples of provision by Source/the universe. I wanted to know that my expectation and that what I had been taught (that “God provides” for all creatures) is actually true, because I wasn’t seeing it in my life.

What I realized is that every species has sustenance provided. Some effort is required in attaining it, but the requirements for attaining it are aligned with the natural skills, strengths, abilities, and design of that species. Rarely does a lion just walk up and a zebra is laying there before its den waiting to be eaten. But the lion’s natural capabilities allow it to use its speed, strength, stalking, its teeth, strong paws and jaws to acquire its prey (provision). A bird has its wings, sight, keen hearing, beak and sometimes talons that allow it to seek and grip its prey (provision). The bird doesn’t have to take down a zebra to eat. That’s too hard. That’s not how it’s designed. A lion doesn’t have to fly or dig for worms in order to eat. That’s not how it’s designed. The provision for each species is available and acquired based on its natural design.

This revelation brought me so much comfort, as I realized that my provision is available for me and can be acquired based on my design. According to nature, I don’t need to be anyone else. I don’t need to try to be like another “species” in order to eat. My natural way of being will allow me to acquire what I need to sustain life. I get to eat by being myself.

My natural way of being will allow me to acquire what I need to sustain life. I get to eat by being myself.
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

So what is my provision… my prey? Ideas. Inspired guidance to create, teach, and share my gifts. Just like a lion stalks its prey, I have to listen and pay attention to the ideas that come to me and I have to remain committed to taking them down.

I have to stick with each viable idea and not let it get away from me. I have to believe that it is my meal, and that if I don’t “kill it,” I won’t eat. I have to stay focused completely on the meal that is in front of me, knowing that my skills, strengths, abilities, and design… my natural way of being… assures me that I’m gonna eat.

My meal is before me. All I have to do is show up as who I am naturally, apply the skills I’ve developed through practice, and hold tightly with complete certainty that this is my provision.

All I have to do is go get it, and I’m guaranteed to eat. According to nature the concept of a starving artist is a lie. The artist only starves as a result of believing that there is no provision for artists. But according to nature every species gets to eat.

It doesn’t matter what other creatures are eating, or how they got their food. All that matters is the meal before us.

And one last thing. As I was journaling, and this revelation was pouring out before me, I asked for an acronym for prey.

P.R.E.Y. stands for:
– Persistence
– Resolve
– Effort
– YOU

Persistence is self-explanatory. Resolve basically means I have to know it’s mine. I’m qualified and capable. I get to have it. Even though some effort is required (often lots), it’s going to be within my capabilities. And the final letter Y is for YOU. YOU have got to own it… in your mind. YOU have got to know it belongs to YOU… that this effort ends in success…. YOU are going to master this prey. YOU have to know that YOU are going to kill it and YOU are going to eat.

There’s no giving up… no letting it get away. If YOU give up, YOU don’t eat. Source… the universe… God provided. YOU have got to wrestle it to the ground, and take it for your meal.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Your Inner Child Needs You

Image of a mother/teacher and frustrated child, sitting with an open textbook, apparently doing school work. Text states: Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
"It wasn't your fault. I know you were trying. You were doing your best."
What does your inner child need to hear?
mdillondesigns.com

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Vulnerable Post:

Tryna shake some old messaging…

So I have this belief stuck in my mind that desire all I do, all I’ve done, and who I am, that… I’m not that smart, that others get to do it but not me, and people are never gonna value me/my work like they do others.

And that’s the work. I had no idea when I began this post, that I was being set up to publicly do my inner work. I thought I was about to get the fun out of asking you to tell me my worth. But it doesn’t work that way. (plus, I’ve done it before. It helps but it doesn’t internalize.) What I realize is that I have to tell myself. I cannot receive it (fully) secondhand. I have to undo this mess myself.

So here I go, publicly (hear the clenched teeth and grimace) clearing out the bullsh*t. Oh boy…

I am intelligent. Anybody who could go to school everyday, be in class completely lost, and go home and teach themselves every night so they could nearly understand enough to get through class the next day… then do it again that night, and all week, only to cram Thursday night and learn it so well she got a near perfect score on the quiz/test, is clearly highly intelligent. I mean, shit, I taught myself MULTIPLE subjects through grade school and middle school. No way I could do that if I was stupid.

And this is for my inner child…

I understand why you thought this meant you were stupid. You felt like, “I can’t keep up in class like everybody else. That means I’m stupid.” When I got home, everybody was able to do their homework on their own, but me. I’m stupid.” “Everyone understands the teacher, without needing help. I’m stupid.” But let me tell you something you didn’t know–something I’m just finding out, now. We have ADHD. It’s this thing that makes it hard for us sometimes to process information. Is that too big for you? Do you understand those words? Yes. I understand. Sometimes we don’t get it. Exactly. It’s because sometimes when people are talking–like the teacher at the front of the class–we get distracted because somebody moved, or if making noise, it because we’re afraid she’s going to call on us, so we stop listening and can only hear our fear thoughts while she’s talking. We miss a lot of information throughout the day because we drift and start daydreaming. And I want you to know it’s not your fault. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means that your brain is…special and needs more breaks, and sometimes it needs somebody to remind it that you were focused on something and have to pay attention. Sometimes we get distracted by a particular word that doesn’t make sense and then we miss the rest of the directions. And sometimes we just need someone to explain things to us differently and we’ll totally understand….

The hard part, and I’m so sorry this is what it’s been for you, is that sometimes people don’t understand this and they make you feel bad for not understanding or keeping up. And…can I tell you something? You’re so smart that people didn’t believe that you were struggling. Huh? Yeah, because you were so smart that you taught yourself, your grades were so good that no one even noticed. They just thought you were lazy and not trying. They didn’t even know how scared and exhausted you were from having to go through this daily, for all those years. I’m sorry that you had it so hard. I’m sorry you didn’t have support. I’m sorry that no one saw you were struggling. You’re very smart and you’re very worthy and you deserved better….

I don’t think anyone did it on purpose…that they saw you struggling and just didn’t care. Well, that’s not fully true. I think you know for sure who did…. But I mean at school. I don’t think your teachers knew. I think they assumed you just weren’t trying until you had to, but that wasn’t true. They probably saw you weren’t doing the homework but would pass the tests and assumed you were just being lazy, and didn’t want to do the work. And they probably thought you just didn’t want to be called on or go to the board because you were “shy.” They were wrong. I saw you trying every day in class to understand, to do the work, to focus, to stay alert, to hear what the teacher was saying through all the fog in your mind. And I was there as you sat in terror hoping they didn’t call on you because you couldn’t remember what they just said, and didn’t understand, and didn’t want to be embarrassed….

And you know what? I want to help other kids. I want to teach teachers to be more sensitive and aware of how they make kids feel when they aren’t catching on. And I want to help teachers recognize the signs of Inattentive ADHD, that’s the kind you have. A lot of girls have it and no one notices. They think you’re just daydreaming and that you’re not completing work because you’re “lazy,” or that your behavior doesn’t mean anything, that you’re “just being a girl.” Yeah, it’s sexist. And it’s unfair. And it leaves you (and a lot of girls, and probably some boys, too) feeling stupid and lazy and unable to do things, or understand things, when all you really needed was someone to see that you needed help, and for them to actually help you…. Remember when Shaun Little’s grandma would come to school, and she’d sit with you and help you understand? She’d take the time to explain the directions and show you what they wanted you to do, and then she’d show you a few more example problems, and soon you could do it by yourself? She really helped you and you appreciated her, and that’s all you really needed…. a kind, patient adult to sit with you and not make you feel bad for not getting it right away. You were smart, you could figure it out. You just needed a little more time and few more examples so your mind could process the rules, and catch on to the patterns….

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re smart. I wish they helped you. I wish they saw you needed help. You deserved support. Your mind is beautifully special. Your daydreaming and drifting is what allows you to be such an amazing artist, what helps you love and appreciate nature, and what helps you notice when someone else is hurting. It’s just that when you’re in school and need to pay attention, it can be a little tricky, but you got through it. You gave yourself what you needed. And now you have a master’s degree! You’re so smart that you taught yourself! You were your own teacher from kindergarten on! You’re amazing! You never have to question if you’re smart enough. You were doing the job of a grown up when you were a kid! Your brain just needs what it needs. And that’s okay. If you’re loving and kind and give it more time, and more information, and a few extra examples you usually catch on. So be kind to yourself. Be like Shaun Little’s grandma.

You’re very very smart. And I love you very much. You’re more capable than you know, and you’re going to help so many people…. You already are.

How about I explain the rest later? Okay. Thank you.

…. Thank you for listening.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Resource: Yay! I remembered! So here is the book that has been tremendously helpful to me in learning about inner child healing.

Recovery of Your Inner Child by Lucia Capacchione

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