If I do something for you, I do it to be nice. I don’t do it as a down payment on your future servitude, or to ensure your only answer is, “Yes,” when I ask for anything in the future.

Over my years on this earth, I have encountered many people who love transactionally. Over time, I came to notice that their love for me changed when I didn’t do what they wanted. And I realize that their generosity at times of need were actually a gifts with strings.

Love is pure… or at least that’s the intention. In my opinion, expresses acknowledgment, acceptance, and appreciation of another. It is not a deposit on a future return.

Acts of kindness come from that pure space. They are given to the other person FOR the other person. They are not given secretly as future gifts toward ourselves. Acts of kindness are not meant to be deposits toward obligatory acts of service. It’s a one-way offer.

And, yes, it’s natural to hope, and/or desire reciprocity, but I don’t feel it should be demanded.

The unfortunate “gift” of being in an uncomfortable financial situation is that I’ve received numerous opportunities to witness transactional love. I’ve had people walk out of my life because I refused to do tasks for them that I didn’t have time to complete. These people felt that since they’d helped me in the past, it was offensive for me to tell them, “No.” Since they supported me in the past, they felt I needed to MAKE time to support them. 

So, in case you’re one of those people, let me explain something to you. For me, having ADHD (which I do not treat with medication) means that I am ALWAYS working. (Even my naps are so I can have energy to do more work.) I am in a constant state of trying to catch up with a continuously growing, out of control past-due-list. Even when I’m sitting “idle” my mind isn’t. When I’m randomly posting on Facebook, it’s not because I have free time. It’s because I am likely so overwhelmed that I can’t even figure out where to start.

So when people come to me with side projects that have NOTHING to do with what’s on my already overflowing, overdue to-do-list, and want me to make their request a priority, my VERY REAL response is, “I actually don’t have time for that.” And I mean it. It’s offensive to them, because how dare I tell them, “No,” after they did blah blah blah for me. But how dare YOU do blah blah blah for me, and the whole time feel like you just signed a secret deal with me? In your mind your somewhere you’ve decided this act comes with conditions, while out your mouth you’re saying, “it’s “no big deal,” “that’s what friends are for,” and “I’m just grateful I could help.”

You call that kindness, but I call that fake. You’re misrepresenting your intentions. That’s stuff narcissists do. Are you a narcissist? Because giving with the focus being on what you get out of it is…. Well…. I’ll just leave that alone.

“Transactional love” to me is a toxic and fake form of intimacy. Real love, in my opinion, is reasonably unconditional. (I say “reasonably” because, you shouldn’t be getting your ass beat, and sticking around excusing it, because love is unconditional. Ass whooping is a condition for leaving. Unconditionally love their abusive self with a few states between you.)

The thing is that when people are voluntarily kind to me, I receive that kindness and truly accept it as a gift…. not a transaction. I don’t say, “Thank you,” with the belief that now I am indebted. Even with the people who have shown me in the past, that’s what they’re on, I assume they’ve had a change of heart when the bless me again. I really want their words to be true. I think I’m finally being loved the way I love others and I’m so happy…. until they come to collect.

I know that’s what it is because of the level of disappointment and silence when I tell them, “No. I actually don’t have time for that.” I can see the way they internalize the, “How can you tell me, ‘No,’ after all I’ve done for you?” It’s in the silence and that initial blank facial expression. It’s in how their demeanor completely changes and they’re suddenly speechless. At no point did they think I could possibly say, “No,” because they bought my, “Yes.” Or so they thought, because I don’t play those games.

When I express my gratitude from the pure place where love resides…. I am grateful, but not obligated. If it’s a loan, or a direct request for a service, then I owe you, but if you tell me a gift, guess what I think it is….

Exactly.

Just because you gave me your cash does not now mean I owe you my time. Don’t call it a gift “from the kindness of your heart” and then act like you bought me.  Don’t bless me and then tie obligation strings to me. Just because you did whatever does not mean I have to be ready to jump whenever you ask for help.

I don’t give that way, so I don’t think that way when other give to me. If I do something for someone, they don’t owe me. It would be a nice bonus if they were there for me, treated me similarly, or offered reciprocity, but that’s OPTIONAL.

Gifts are gifts. They are not transactions. They do not buy you the rights to a person’s time, attention, and service. And if you feel they do, then realize those are not gifts. You are bartering. And the other person has the right to know they have entered into a bartering agreement with you by accepting your conditional benevolence. #ISaidWhatISaid

BTW, I feel the same way about parents who take great care of their children, “because I’m gonna need them to take care of me when I get old.” That’s transactional, too. Can’t you just take care of your children because they are your children… and you love them… and want the best for them? Honestly, they’ll be more likely to do these things in the future, if you they receive your love from a pure place.

Don’t call it a gift from the kindness of your heart, and then act like you’ve bought rights to a person’s time, attention, and service. Don’t bless me and then tie obligation strings to me. Don’t expect me to jump whenever you ask for help. I may CHOOSE to go out of my way when you need me, because I appreciate what you did AND I’m able to show up for you in that moment. But if it was truly a gift, I don’t owe you. Because you gave me your cash does not mean I owe you my time….

My lack of time for you has nothing to do with a lack of appreciation. I barely have enough time to sleep or shower. I am YEARS behind on projects that are actually important to me… projects some of you have been waiting for me to publish.

I get so bogged down with work that I often forget to cook. I’ll be making dinner at 9 pm. I hate when people help me out and think now whenever they need something done they can call me and my answer is supposed to automatically be, “Yes.”

Don’t make unspoken contracts with me. I don’t honor them. If you say it’s a gift, that’s exactly what it is. If I thought it was a down payment, I might’ve declined your offer.

I’d rather you be straight up and say, “Hey. I’m giving you this and from on, when I say, “Jump,” I expect you to say, “How high?” Give me the right to opt out. Don’t just be acting funny when I tell you, “No.” 

Yes, this is related to something that happened recently. No, I’m not going to tell you what it was.  Yes, I believe people who do this feel completely justified. No, I’m not going to do what they asked of me. Yes, I’m likely to have a real conversation with them about thinking when they give a “gift” that they are buying my time.

No, I’m not letting them get away with it. Yes, I can be grateful without being obligated.

Point? YOU CAN BE GRATEFUL WITHOUT BEING OBLIGATED. Stop locking people into invisible contracts you made up in your mind. Stop holding grudges and being offended by people thinking your gifts are just that, gifts. Start using your words and if you have expectations attached to your benevolence, say so. Continue giving from the kindness of your heart with NO expectations.

Like Pastor Clay Evans and my Fellowship family would say, “It’s just nice to be nice.”

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Sometimes we feel that healing is done when we release someone from blame. There’s a tendency to forgive someone and then feel that it’s over. But the reality is that although we may have new clarity about how and why things happened, we still have wounds and beliefs that need to be healed. I was finally able to put words to this. I hope this brings you healing.

As we grow and learn more about our pasts, it’s important that we prioritize our healing. We’re taught to be selfless, even to the point that we will show more empathy toward a person who hurt us than we do toward ourselves.

In understanding the circumstances that shaped the people who hurt us, it is important to not avoid blame so much that we stunt our own healing and growth.

As we get older and become parents, aunties, and uncles, we begin to learn more about our past. We hear stories we never heard, and learn new details that help us understand why the adults of our childhood did (or didn’t do) this or that. And with that awareness we often replace blame toward them with guilt toward us for how we’ve viewed them to this point.

It’s healthy to see life through different perspectives. It’s fair to reframe our stories as new information is added. And this new information we gain in adulthood does not automatically heal the pain and impact these experiences had on our inner child.

It is not supportive to our mental health to gain this new information and expect that the beliefs we developed about people, life, and ourselves are suddenly healed. You may understand why he left, but you’re still dealing with a fear of abandonment. You may now understand that she was a far better mom than her mother, but you still struggle with loving yourself. Just because we can empathize, does not mean we ignore the impact those experiences had on us.

We develop most of our core beliefs about ourselves, others, and how life works before we’re 8 years old. Those areas in our lives that we just can’t seem to get together are likely due to beliefs developed during this time in our development. If you grew up with a cruel or absent parent, and struggle with self-worth or maintaining healthy relationships, you may have a deep belief like, “If my own mother didn’t love me, who else will.” You may not even be aware of it, but it’s impacting your relationships. Understanding that your mom was abused as a child may help you meet her with more compassion, but it doesn’t heal your inner beliefs about loving yourself. That work still needs to be done.

The purpose me writing to you today is to tell you it’s okay to heal your perceptions of those around you, but don’t forget to heal the perception you developed about yourself. Don’t be so quick to empathize toward others, but never turn that empathy toward yourself. Don’t go around forgiving others, but never take the time to have healing conversations with yourself.

As we grow up, we come to learn parts of stories that we didn’t know before. We get to understand how people became who they did, and why they behaved as they did. Go ahead and forgive them, if that’s your next step. But don’t forget that your experience of them had impact.

You can empathize, forgive and all that. You can make sense of their behavior. AND your inner healing is not just about understanding their behavior. It’s about the messaging.

We internalize messages from how people treat us, especially during the developmental stages of birth to 7 years old. We can’t just forgive people and think, “Oh, now that I understand why she did that I can move on.” (Yes, if you weren’t deeply impacted, but if you are struggling in areas of your life because of these past hurts, your work is not done.)

We can be positive and understanding and empathize with everybody, AND we need to empathize with ourselves. We may still need to heal the messaging. We can forgive them, AND we still need to heal from the impact of who they were, how they behaved, and how they treated us.

Whether we acknowledge it or not, the messaging is running our lives. The beliefs we developed about what their behavior means is running the show. We may get why dad was cruel. Maybe he was nice by comparison to what you learned about his mother. AND maybe you don’t “blame” him because you now understand how he became who he was. AND your inner child is still cowering in fear of being treated that way again. Maybe she’s pushing away healthy relationships for fear of being hurt. Maybe he’s engaged in self-destructive habits because he never felt valued. Maybe they are not going after opportunities because they were discouraged from dreaming….

Go on. Heal your relationships. Just don’t forget to also heal yourself.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

#growth#growthmindset#empowerment#positivevibes

Owner/CEO MDillon Designs & Publishing

Author/Designer I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!

(Children’s books Personalized gifts #naturalhair#birthdaygirl#birthdayboy)

Podcaster/Visionary/Creator Share and Let’s Live!

#Udemy Instructor, Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship (Course for parents #parenting#parentinggoals#communication#healing#online)

Let me tell you… This is likely the hardest season I’ve ever been through. This is beyond the sleeping in the car, the soup kitchen, and even being in an emotionally abusive relationship. This season has been like putting a lightweight in the ring with a heavy weight. No breaks. No rest. No reprieve. Just one thing after another. In short, life has been whoopin’ my ass.

And, of course, since I’m me, I can’t help but see the good, glean the lessons, acknowledge the blessings.

I was sitting here thinking about how the devastating emotional blows of this week have given me: clarity, insights, answers, and a new understanding of the deep and long-lasting impact of childhood trauma.

This week I got to see how being neurodivergent has presented itself throughout my life. I’ve become painfully aware of all the ways I have gone without support. I have had gut-wrenching conversations. I have pushed myself to do more, show up more, engage more, risk rejection more in the last 3 days than I probably have in the last 3 years. I have been “forced” to make decisions I would never voluntarily make, and I’ve had to accept the unacceptable.

And with all of that, I cannot help but see my growth, my resilience, and all my lessons. I see how the extensive, crushing experiences of this week helped me process some deep trauma. I got to see how moments in my life came together to create messages that still affect me. I got to see how having neurodivergent challenges coupled with a belief that I “no one will help me” have created tremendous strain in my life and many missed opportunities.

This week has been by far one of the hardest and most emotionally devastating weeks for me. (And it’s only Wednesday.) What I’ve experienced however has caused me to come to some conclusions about myself, and others, that are freeing me from a lot of the pressure I put on myself.

I got to see people show up for me, and I got to see who didn’t. I got to witness how I want to be loved, and the standard for what that looks like. I got to see how my top tier people are the ones who show up for me the way I show up for others. I want to be loved the way I love. And I accept that not everyone will love me that way, but I do expect it from my top tier people.

I realized how blessed I am. I realized what struggles I deal with. And I found out who I can call on to support me. I came to realize that the little girl who no one would help is now a grown woman who has people in her corner. I realize that the little girl who did all she could, in vain, to be seen, now has so many who see the truth of who she is. I realized that the effort I put into convincing people of who I am is pointless… that people see what they want to see, what they expect to see, and what they’ve been told to see. And I no longer compete with their view of me. They can believe whatever the hell they want, and that goes for everybody.

I grew so much this week, and I’m grateful. The process damn near killed me, but I’m grateful that I am still here to tell the story.

Have an amazing whatever time of day it is for you.

Blessings.

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

---

If you haven’t checked out my podcast, please just watch/listen to one episode. You can pick the one with the best title, the best meme, the shortest length, or the highest views. I just ask that you check it out. No one wants to put their all into something and have no one give it a chance. You can press play and do something else. It’s a podcast. You don’t have to sit and watch. And I ask you to watch not just so I can have more views. I created this podcast because I believe it can give you insights that can change your life. I don’t want you to miss out.

If you love my blog posts, my podcast is even more me, more honest, more raw, more engaging, and more empowering. (Plus you get to hear my sexy sultry voice. lol)

Anywho, check me out. Links below.

Watch on YouTube!

https://www.youtube.com/@marlenedillonempowerment

Listen on SoundCloud!

There’s a scripture that says, “Love (charity) doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.”

As we’re on this journey of loving ourselves more, by shifting what we’re imagining, I realized that one habit I have is drifting off in thought as I make lists of offenses.

It’s like if you walk into the bathroom and see the cap off the toothpaste, or someone left one swallow in the bottle of orange juice in the fridge, or they used the car and left it with no gas.

We have a tendency to get heated in those moments, then immediately drift into thought about all the other times they (or others) did similar irritating things. Or maybe it’s not a specific incident that has upset you, but an ongoing circumstance. Maybe your card got declined at the register, despite having your fingers crossed, and as you hurriedly left the store in embarrassment, you found yourself recalling every other embarrassing moment regarding money—every time you came up short and just didn’t have enough. And before long, you’re deep in a daydream of lack, convinced that things will never get better.

Well, the reason I can write this is because I can relate to it. And I know that we can’t have the lives we want when we’re constantly daydreaming about what we don’t want. Focus is a powerful thing—maybe the most powerful thing. So if we want to turn the tide toward having more of what we desire, we have to stop flowing our focus toward what brings us pain.

If we begin to look at our focus as a prayer to the universe, saying, “More of this please,” maybe we’ll be more committed to keeping our focus on what we want. Focus expands things because our attention is a sign to the universe that we’re interested and a signal to send us more.

You can notice this phenomenon when you have a certain car or color that you love. The more you focus on it, the more you begin to see it everywhere. Maybe you’re into royal blue sports cars. Once you start excitedly noticing them on the road, it’ll soon seem that everybody has one. Maybe there’s a certain headboard you’ve been considering buying. Now, on every tv show and movie you see a similar headboard in every bedroom scene. It’s because our focus causes us to notice more opportunities to repeat the experience. The rub is that it it doesn’t matter if you’re focused with intense joy or disdain. Our intense focus, filled with intense emotions will produce results.

I personally hate this fact—just being honest. Since I have ADHD, intentional focus is challenging for me. I have to work really hard to choose what I focus on. It’s easier to focus on what I’m used to ruminating on because those neuropathways are well-worn. The grooves in my mind that lead toward having not enough money are paths my thoughts have traveled MANY times. That groove is deep and traveling that path of thought is automatic. It takes intentional effort for me to choose more empowering thoughts, and to focus exclusively in ways that lead to what I want.

I woke up today and the first thought I had was of something annoying. Without any effort, another similar memory rushed in, then another. And that’s when my inner guidance kicked in and offered the suggestion that I stop the stream of annoying thoughts by listing memories I love.

It made me think of my recent podcast episode where I talked about a concept I called “piggybacking.” Let me explain. When we want to create a new habit, a helpful hack is to attach the new practice to one we do every day automatically. For example, if you’re trying to start saying positive affirmations, and you do your makeup every day, you can make a commitment to yourself to say your affirmations while you do your makeup. You can visualize your dream life while you drink your first cup of coffee/tea. You can make your gratitude list while you workout, or at night as you remove the decorative throw pillows from your bed.

Similarly, we can use “piggybacking” to shift unsupportive habits. If you have a tendency toward drifting off into negative daydreams, as I do, we can attach our new intentions to that old habit. We all have moments where we mindlessly find ourselves thinking of all that’s wrong with life, listing all the bills and things we can’t afford, and remembering each person who did us wrong. We can use those automatic b*tch sessions to trigger our minds to recall thoughts that fill us with love, peace, and joy.

I’ll use myself for an example. Since my desire is to bring in more money, I need to shift from thinking about lack. I recognize that this is challenging for me, since I’ve been doing it since CHILDHOOD. However, even long-held habits can be dissolved by replacing them with new habits.

As I’m writing this, I accept that the way I’ve been doing things is not getting me what I want. I can’t keep complaining about it and not doing what I know I need to do to shift the tendency. So today I acknowledge that I’m over being broke, and giving broke thoughts so much airplay in my mind. I am now committed to using this hack of “piggybacking” to shift from “lack-bombing” my mind.

So when I find myself in a stream of broke, lack-filled thoughts, I will yell out loud or in my mind, “PIVOT!” (just like Ross on Friends) and begin to recall moments of walking into the bank to deposit checks, moments of receiving cash from numerous ATMs, and moments of opening birthday cards and Christmas cards and seeing cash fall out. I’ll recall the days of picking up my check stubs from the office, and the relief of knowing direct deposits had been made. I’ll recall the times at the register when I was filled with relief as I saw the word “APPROVED” on the screen, or heard the sound of my receipt being printed, alerting me that my payment went through.

And I won’t just remember those moments. I will relive them. I won’t just stand back in my thoughts and watch myself like it’s a TV show. I will zoom in and be fully present in those moments. I will feel the coolness of the metal counter at the bank as I wait patiently for my check to be deposited, and I’ll feel the paper and weight of the envelope as she hands me my cash. In my mind I’ll embellish the memories and ask for mystery flavored lollypop. I will feel the envelope and receipt in my hands, as I stuff them in my purse quickly before reentering the parking lot. I’ll hear the door close behind me. I will feel the relief of checking my PayPal balance and seeing a new deposit from Udemy because new students purchased my online parenting communication course (Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship). I will feel myself well up with gratitude and surprise as I notice a new deposit in my Venmo—a random act of kindness from a supporter who appreciates my blog, podcasts, and positive presence on social media. I’ll relive the excitement of receiving a deposit from Amazon, and new funds in my CashApp account, because someone purchased multiple copies of my children’s book I’m Proud to Be Natural Me! I will both recall and recreate memories of having enough money and saying, “Yes, we can go,” to my daughter when asks for custard from Andy’s, sushi from our favorite restaurant, or for us to take a vacation. I’ll rehearse holding my phone steady and adjusting my newly endorsed check just right on the dark surface for my mobile deposit. I’ll see the green checkmark appear on my screen, letting me know I did a good job and it’s time to photograph the other side. I will relive and revise each of those beautiful moments with the same intensity that I have habitually relived and created the many memories that brought me anxiety and pain.

If we think about it, we likely have some memories that we can recall where life matched the blueprint of how it’s supposed to be. We may have a few moments, here and there, when it felt like life was on track. Even if there weren’t that many, we can begin to relive them so often that our mind is convinced that there were tons of them and evidence to support our focus will become readily available. I honestly believe that just in the focus I gave as I wrote this post that I have reminded my mind that my life is meant to be abundant. I definitely created new grooves and deeper pathways toward the life that I want. It really is that simple.

We can use our unsupportive tendencies to create new supportive habits of thought. We can use our avalanches of negative thoughts to trigger us to PIVOT! We can intentionally shift our focus to memories that feel good and empowering. We can use our imaginations to support our dreams and desires.

Make a commitment with me today to do your best to PIVOT! and choose thoughts that serve you. Observe your tendencies lovingly. You’re on your team. You’re not trying to catch yourself doing something “bad” so you can guilt trip yourself. This is an act of loving awareness. A moment of, “Oops. I was doing that thing again. Time to PIVOT!” Make it fun. Laugh at your mind and lovingly move into your pleasant memories.

Let’s create some new grooves—new pathways in our brains—that lead to more of what we desire.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist