I am the first to say how happily single I am, but let the right person cross my path, and enough coincidences occur, and I’m thinking, “Hmmm…. I wonder if you’re the one.” I watch way too many romantic comedies to not get nipped by the love bug periodically.
What I have learned over time is that I tend to ignore red flags. I am so accepting of others that I put ribbons and bows on red flags. It starts out as, “I can understand how they became the way they are, look at their story.” Before long it’s, “Everyone else has walked away, I have to be the one who shows them someone cares enough not to leave.” It’s a bit of a toxic pattern.
Over the last few years, I have been a bit more aware of this tendency and adjusted to only dressing up red flags that aren’t that serious. For example, an anger issue is a definite “No,” but a fear of commitment might get a bow.
As I’ve been doing so much introspection lately, I discovered that regardless of my comfort with being single, I am honestly wired to be a wife. I don’t really know how to be a girlfriend. I go from “we met” to full on “wifey.” Before long I’m learning likes and dislikes, memorizing important stories and their characters, and figuring out how to support his dreams. (Honestly, it’s a little embarrassing to share, but if my openness empowers you, it’s worth it.)
About a week ago, I had an epiphany about not having a middle ground. I was deep in thought about my history of making faux husbands of red flag bearers, when I recalled a T. D. Jakes sermon I heard many years ago. Bishop Jakes said, “We’re building houses where we should be pitching tents.” Those words hit me like an openhanded slap!
I claim to live by the idea that, “People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” But when enough key elements line up, I start hiding red flags behind my back and start digging a foundation. As I was processing the T.D. Jakes quote, I heard these words within, “Can’t you just go camping?” I literally laughed out loud!
Regardless of how I’ve operated in the past, going zero to sixty in relationships is a crash waiting to happen. I don’t have to pull out the blueprints to a house every time I meet someone. I can just pitch a tent and give myself time to see if they are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
I’m not sure who I wrote this for, but ever since that quote came back to me, I’ve been thinking I need to share it in a post. This can apply to friendships, as well as intimate relationships. It’s okay to connect with people AND give it some time to see who and how they are. We can also allow relationships to complete, without viewing it as a failure. We can appreciate the good times we’ve had, and be willing to loosen our grip when we are no longer aligned. Not all relationships are meant to last forever. We don’t need to keep building houses where we should be pitching tents. We can just go camping.
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Many years ago I worked in a nursing home. One of the residents I worked with had a condition that caused her to only say four phrases repeatedly throughout the day. I had never seen anything like it and when I first started working there no one warned me.
Our first direct interaction went something like this.
Her: What’s your name?
Me: Oh, I’m Marlene. Are you ready to head to bed?
Her: How’re we gonna do it?
Me: Well, I’ll push you in your wheelchair to your room and get you cleaned up for bed.
Her: I need a job.
Me: Well, you’ve probably worked your whole life. It’s your time to relax.
Her: Shut up.
I was a little offended, but figured maybe she really wanted to get a job.
As my days at the nursing home continued, I noticed that no matter what conversation was taking place, and even when this sweet woman was sitting by herself, she ONLY repeated the same phrases. “What’s your name?” “How’re we gonna do it?” “I need a job.” “Shut up.” It was purely coincidence that our first conversation made sense.
This morning, before I rolled out of bed, I decided to stay a while and do a little stretching and some strength exercises. I got excited at the thought of making this a daily routine. Then an inner monologue began. It sounded something like this. “That’s not gonna work.” “That’s a waste of time.” “You’re not gonna be consistent.” “You’re doing it wrong.”
For the last week or more I’ve been paying attention to these thoughts. Today, I realized that these same discouraging phrases repeat in my thoughts no matter what I attempt. This is when I remembered that sweet elderly lady who only said the same four phrases all day.
When I worked with her, at first I took each thing she said seriously and responded to it. However, after a few days, I recognized her communication was purely on loop. The only communication from her that had value was her body language. She literally ONLY said those four things. Never a “yes” or “no,” or even an “I’m hungry.”
In a similar way, our negative and discouraging thoughts tend to just habitually repeat. They don’t offer any true value. Once we recognize the loop, we can begin to ignore it. We get to train ourselves to stop listening to thoughts that don’t serve us. They are simply on loop habitually. Instead we can focus our attention on the communication of value, which is how we feel.
When we pay attention to our emotions, we can take notice of the thoughts that caused us to feel that way. It may seem that it is an experience that caused our emotions, but typically it’s our thoughts about the experience. Just like when we see someone respond in gratitude to a situation that would devastate us. That occurs because their thoughts about what they experienced are different than the thoughts we would have. Somebody loses a job and thinks, “Oh, gawd, my life is over. How will I be able to pay my bills?” Somebody else loses a job and thinks, “Well, now I have time to spend with my family while I look for something that feels better for me.” Same situation, different perspective. And our perspective is simply how we choose to view a situation—how we choose to THINK about it.
Our thoughts are fueled by questions that we often don’t even notice have been asked. Usually when we feel upset, our thoughts ask us “What happened to make you feel this way?” Then, we reenact the whole scene in our minds, and feel the experience all over again. And if our thoughts are free to go on uninterrupted, our minds may hit us with a follow-up question, “What/who else has made you feel this way in the past?” Suddenly we’re on a trip down effed up memory lane, sinking deeper into an emotion we didn’t consciously choose. However, we do have a choice.
What I am training myself to do is to ask myself more empowering questions. When the automatic thought, “How do you feel?” arises, I follow it with, “What was I just thinking about?” I bypass the reenactment of whatever got me upset and trace it back to the THOUGHT that shifted my mood. Then, I choose an empowering follow-up question, “Is it possible that there’s another way I can view this situation?” (Yes. I really do this. No. It’s not automatic. Yes. It takes practice. Yes. It’s sooo worth it.) What I’ve noticed is that the second I think of a more empowering way to view the situation, I instantaneously feel better. Our thoughts guide our emotions.
No matter what is going on around us, there are multiple ways to view the situation. I’ve done this with everything from the loss of a loved one, to the loss of an intimate relationship. I am not saying it isn’t valid to experience the gamut of emotions. However we choose to experience life is valid for us. The less pleasant emotions are not bad or wrong. They are an essential part of being human. I choose, however, to allow my emotions to be more like traffic signals on my journey, rather than destinations. They communicate messages about where I am and where I’m going. If I’m feeling happy, that communicates that I am doing (or thinking) in a way that is aligned with my values. I should probably continue down that path and do more of that. If I’m feeling angry, I likely have just experienced, or thought about, a situation where my values/boundaries were compromised. I should probably take note of the situation that rubbed me the wrong way. I likely need to establish a stronger boundary in this regard and possibly address the issue if that’s best. I don’t need to sit in anger. I can use it.
We can do more with emotions than just feel them. We can use them….
I am grateful that I recognized the phrases that loop in my mind. Now, I know not to take them seriously.
If you tend to procrastinate, or act in ways that don’t line up with your true desires, likely there is an automatic loop of thought(s) playing in your mind. The next time you set out to do that thing, notice what thoughts come up that deter you from it. Write them down somewhere safe. Notice if they come up again later, maybe in a different situation.
When you start to feel unhappy, especially if just minutes ago you were fine, notice what you are thinking about. Start to pay attention to the thoughts that cross your mind. You may be surprised that what’s keeping you stuck isn’t your actions, but your thoughts.
A lot of times we find ourselves feeling down when things aren’t going as we believe they should. We are convinced our plan is best. It feels amazing to travel through life with no detours or delays. I’m not so sure how realistic that is though.
What I am learning is that the ebb and flow is part of the journey. One comfort that I have gained recently is to realize that I see my life from the ground level—the street view. I can only see what’s directly in front of me, not what’s coming down the road. That’s not the comforting part, lol. The comfort is that I get to remember in any given situation that there is an aerial, or bird’s eye, view that I cannot see. From that perspective, every traffic jam and reroute makes perfect sense. From that perspective it is apparent that no matter how it seems on the ground, I am on the best route.
For people, like me, it’s challenging to surrender control. When life throws us the unexpected detour, and the journey doesn’t look the way we thought it would, we easily lose faith. We know the route we planned. We want to stick to it, because it makes us feel safe. Being in control feels safe.
Lately, I’ve been experimenting with giving up control. In moments when my GPS refuses to cooperate, I just toss my phone aside and say, “Hey, you know my intentions and you probably know a better way. Guide me.” I honestly can’t tell you specifically who I’m speaking to. It could be Jesus, the angels, guides, ancestors… it doesn’t matter to me. I just know they help when I ask. Within in seconds, I feel calm and inspired to turn here, then there, then cross over that bridge, and suddenly I’m looking at the upgraded version of my vision.
Even when I’m having a moment of contrast—when I’m feeling frustrated that things aren’t as I desire—I remember that I have support surrounding me, and surrender. I relax into that knowing that there is a way for things to work out even though I can’t see it. And somehow things shift. Even when the situation can’t change, my view of it suddenly changes.
With these recent shifts, I am realizing daily that control is overrated. Honestly, as much as I’ve tried to manipulate every detail of every second of my life, it’s far from ideal. I’ve still been thrown so many curve balls that it’s a wonder I am still sane. But I’m still here. Despite all of it. When think of all the things I worry about on a daily basis, and then look at all I’ve survived, worry seems so silly.
It’s exhausting trying to manage and manipulate every one of life’s detail. And it’s pointless. So I’m going to keep experimenting with remembering I’m supported, setting an intention, and surrendering to guidance. No matter how big or small, I get to trust that I am supported.
If you’re one, like me, who is exhausted from micromanaging the details, maybe consider giving up a little control. Try it on something small. Maybe instead of ordering from the same restaurant, you try the one your friend recommended. Maybe you watch that Netflix show that keeps showing up. It could be your new favorite. Maybe you intentionally make a wrong turn and let the GPS reroute you, and take the scenic route for a change.
Maybe you’ll join me in saying my new affirmation, “Despite life’s detours and delays, I choose to believe I am on the best route.”
I have envisioned this painting for YEARS. Each time the idea came to me, I got super excited, thought it was a brilliant idea, and seconds later my mind was filled with reasons why it wouldn’t work. Every reason, from my artistic abilities, to concerns about time, money, and supplies, the weather, or if I felt “up to it,” came rushing in and choked out my excitement. Before I knew it, years had gone by and I hadn’t painted a thing.I let the reasons talk me out of doing the thing I so passionately wanted to do.
Lately, what’s been coming up for me are the concepts of permission and congruence. I’m in a season of my life where I am painfully aware that I want to do far more than I have ever allowed myself. I have reasoned my way out of living a full life, and I’m over it.
A few Sundays ago, a dear friend texted me and said it was a nice day and I should get out the house. Immediately, I knew what I wanted to do. I was going to drive to the lake, find a great spot, and do my painting! And, just as before, my excitement was soon followed by a flood of reasons to stay home. But this time, I decided that the only reason that mattered was that I wanted to paint at the lake. I ignored all the discouraging reasons that came to mind and did something different.
Instead of allowing my thoughts to control me, I chose to take control of my thoughts. I blocked out the discouraging questions, and asked myself empowering questions. “What do I want to do, today?” “What do I need to bring with me?” “What do I need to get on the way to ensure I enjoy my time?” I answered these questions, packed my paints, brushes, etc. and got myself to the lake. I gave myself permission to do the thing that I let my thoughts talk me out of countless times. It felt great!
The other thing I am working on right now is congruence. You ever wanted something, but also believed you can’t have it? Well, I have been dealing with this opposing energy in a few areas. I have been aware of it for a while, but I decided that knowing it is no longer enough. I am ready to do something about it. I think it was Jim Rohn who said that knowledge isn’t power. Knowledge is potential power. What we know only empowers us if we do something with it.
Imagine being the engineer on a train that’s supposed to be heading south, but every few stops you run down to the other end and drive the train north for a little while. That’s kinda what we do with our goals sometimes. We get an idea, get excited about it, do a little planning, and maybe we start talking about it. Someone brings up a less than positive point and we start to think of all the reasons it might not work out. Opportunities come, but we don’t feel ready so we put them on the shelf. I know I have done plenty of this in the past. I’m ready to move my train in one direction….FORWARD toward my goals.
I have to get real honest with myself and stop ignoring those things that cause me to retreat from my forward steps. It’s time to work through, heal, get over, and in some cases ignore what I need to in order be fully congruent with my intentions….
Maybe you have no desire to paint, but have been contemplating writing a book. Maybe you’re not interested in writing a novel, but have a classic car in the garage you haven’t worked on in years. Maybe you’re ready to start a blog, become a mentor, or look for a new job. Maybe you’re ready to date again, clean out the attic, or find a summer activity for your child. I just thought I’d share this with you, because I realized when I took control of my thoughts and began to ask more empowering questions, I was able to do something I’ve been putting off for over a decade!
If there’s something you’ve been wanting to do, take a few minutes and ask yourself more empowering questions. Imagine that you got it done. Walk backwards, mentally, through the steps that you took to complete it. If your vision wasn’t possible, you probably wouldn’t feel pulled to do it, right? So believe it’s possible and start moving toward it. Remember our minds aren’t trying to ruin our lives. They just want to keep us safe, by giving us reasons to avoid potential failure. However, often, it’s the avoidance of potential failure that’s keeping us stuck.
Let’s stop doing the Cha Cha with our goals. Let’s approach them differently, ask ourselves more empowering questions, and give ourselves permission to do the thing.
By the way, I took the photos above that Sunday at the lake. The last is the finished painting. If you’d like to own it, check out my Handmade page for purchasing details (if it’s still available).
MDillon Designs & Publishing 