Love Feels Like Love

Image of young lady with glasses and curly hair, appearing sad, sitting outdoors against a brick wall. Text states: Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist "Healthy relationships help you love yourself more. Pay attention when your relationship makes you feel bad about yourself." mdillondesigns.com

There’s a meme that’s been circulating around FB for a while that states, “If you see a woman that has everything going for herself and you’re not ready to add value to her life, just admire her from afar. Please don’t interrupt her greatness.” I’m not sure who wrote it (or I’d tag them and give them credit), but it really resonates with me and my experience.

When I saw the post, today, I was preparing to repost it with my own caption —”… that means you, narcissists”—but decided this was a great opportunity to share a bit of my own story and offer someone the opportunity to run for the hills if they can relate.

It took me over a decade to realize that one of my past relationships was not only unhealthy and “toxic,” it was actually emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and codependent.

I remember meeting this guy, he seemed to have a really great personality. I saw him as a colleague, and maybe a friend. I wasn’t focused on being in a relationship at that time, and I wasn’t attracted to him. He was just cool to hang out with and talk to.

I was focused on me when I met him. I had just gotten to a place of feeling comfortable with myself, and was at peace being single. I had just cleared up my credit and paid off my debts. I was doing well, but I didn’t realize it. I was too busy comparing myself to others. I was winning but really insecure.

In retrospect, I think he picked up on that. We connected very quickly as friends. I was new to the area and didn’t know a lot of people, so the time we spent together made me feel less lonely. We’d sit and chat, but I didn’t feel like he was hitting on me. We were getting closer, though. I started to ignore the fact that I wasn’t attracted to him and focused on how easy conversation was. He shared about his past and I developed compassion for him. I began to think, “He’s such a great guy. He just needs someone to love him.”

He rapidly fast tracked our friendship into a relationship by professing his love very early, followed by guilt-tripping me for not feeling the same. Being someone who prides herself in being nice, I didn’t want to keep hurting his feelings, so I pushed myself to catch up.

Before I knew it, I was fully in a relationship I never wanted, forgot about my plans, my goals, and my intentions. As soon as I was all in, the nice guy role disappeared and he began to tear down my self-esteem. I know this isn’t my typical upbeat post, but I feel it can empower someone to walk or run away before they end up deep in something that leaves them as a shell of who they were.

I had no idea. I just thought he was an “angry at the world” type, but that as long as that anger wasn’t turned toward me, I was okay. I didn’t realize that from the beginning I was being manipulated into giving up my hopes, dreams, personality, identity, autonomy, friends, and family. I was torn down constantly and didn’t even realize it was happening. The constant criticism and continuous demands for me to give and do more were my norm. The guilt-tripping and expectations for me to prove my loyalty was so constant that I didn’t even recognize what was happening. I just knew that I couldn’t get it right, I was never doing enough to make him happy. He constantly told me how he was wasting his time with me and that he could be with other people but was stuck with me, and I believed him. He fed me that narrative so much that I stopped seeing the truth.

This relationship ended a long time ago, but it was just months ago that I read this article on a website that described my relationship as if our years together had been recorded and transcribed. As I scrolled that page I realized our “relationship” was nothing more than the standard narcissist script.

I wrote this post for the person who is in a relationship that makes them feel bad. I’m not talking about the, “We’ve been together so long that we’ve lost our spark,” kind of feel bad. I’m talking about the kind of relationship where no matter what you do, you can’t seem to get it right. Where you walk on eggshells because you never know what will piss them off. The kind of relationship where they demean you in public. The kind of relationship where you feel worse about yourself the longer you’re in it. The kind of relationship where you feel relieved every time they leave the house.

If you remember nothing else from this post, remember that “love feels like love.” Love doesn’t feel like being bullied and it doesn’t feel like being afraid. It doesn’t feel like your belly constantly in knots. (Butterflies feel different.) Regardless of what you’ve been told, you are worthy of love. You are not a problem. You can be loved totally as you are by someone. You don’t have to be more, smarter, thinner, taller, shorter, more outgoing, quieter, or whatever else to be loved. You are worthy of love right now and you deserve to be in a situation that feels like love. True love causes you to love yourself more as you witness them seeing the beauty of who you are. We are ALL worthy of that kind of love.

I am leaving some links below (including the one that caused me to discover the nature of the relationship I was in). If you know someone who may benefit from this post, or the links, please share. Most people would never know that I went through this so don’t assume that there is no one you know who needs this post.

Sending you much love.

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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The Bigger Picture

It’s fair to say that life doesn’t always feel good. The last few years, honestly, have felt like one thing after another.

Image: a closeup shot of a chess board, one piece has fallen. Text states: Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist "Sometimes things have to fall apart to come together." mdillondesigns.com
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A few weeks ago, I received an intuitive hint, to periodically look at my life from a bird’s eye view. On the ground, it’s hard to see that things will soon improve. We see the traffic, we get frustrated, and feel like things will never get better, but from an aerial view appearances are different.

It may look to some like I’m winning, but few people post their losses. Honestly, my adult life has felt like one traffic jam after another. I’ve gone from struggle, to setback, to loss, to drama, with few moments of free flow in between. I just refuse to wait until all roads are clear to make an impact.

I don’t know about you, but for me traffic is a million times worse when I have complaining passengers. It’s easier to talk myself into being positive when no one else is affirming the negative. This is why my quiet, meditation time is so important for me. (I even just ordered some ear plugs on Amazon to drown out household noise. 🤫)

When I can get quiet and still, I am able to remember that despite appearances I’m still in route to my destination. If I don’t give up, and keep inching along, I’m going to arrive.

When I remember that the traffic is temporary, and that I get to find joy no matter where I am, I turn up my music and dance in my seat. Sometimes when I’m having a challenging day, I put on some music, lock my door and freely dance. And on days where it’s too much and too overwhelming, I take a break, or a nap. It’s just like I do in traffic. If it’s taking too long, I give myself grace, put the car in park and turn off the engine. I know eventually, we’ll get moving….

My perspective in challenging times is really important as well. I believe that life’s challenges prepare me to better understand the needs of those I will serve. I don’t necessarily believe that things have to be bad before they get good (or whatever that phrase is). I just believe that I have a purpose, and occasionally I go through things so I can fully understand the depth of the issues—the impact, the mindset, the hurts, the needs, and what counts as a triumph—for the people I am here to support.

Mindset is everything, especially in tough times. Despite the losses, struggles, and drama I’ve been through—including this year—I am still very clear that I’m not losing. It gets hard sometimes. My closest friends know the challenges I deal with on a daily basis, as well as the potholes I’ve swerved, and hit. Even so, I’m still moving forward.

As we go through life, it’s important to remember that we can’t see how the game ends because we’re in it. At times we feel like we’re losing left and right. Sometimes all our inner work is not yet reflected in outer change. We’re doing our best, but our lives still don’t look ideal.

Today, these words came to me, “Sometimes things have to fall apart to come together.”

These words are comforting. They help me remember to resist the temptation to assume my outcome based on today’s appearances.

It may appear that our lives are falling apart. The struggles, the setbacks, the losses, and the drama can be so consuming. Without a bird’s eye view, we have no idea what good could be around the corner. We may not be able to see it right now, but we could be one move away from winning.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

If you loved this post and want to support my work, please visit my Support Page.

Win or Lose?

Is your mind’s default setting toward winning or losing. I just realized that mine often sets me up for a lose-lose. Let me explain.

Image of pensive woman looking at her reflection in the mirror. Text states: Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist "Pay attention.... sometimes our thoughts set us up for a lose-lose." mdillondesigns.com

Sharing something that just happened to me because it may help you….

So I had a series of applications to work on lately. Super stressful for me because paperwork makes me anxious and requires a higher level of executive functioning than I typical employ.

After completing several multipage online applications, I just didn’t have it in me to do another one. It was the last one, but I kept putting it off assuming it was going to take forever.

I finally set my pomodoro timer today, sat down and got myself to work on it. Unlike the others, it took like 15 minutes. 😐

I was super excited when I realized I was at the “Submit” screen. Once I hit that button and saved the page for my records, that voice started in on me. “Wow. You could’ve submitted that paperwork a week ago. You could be getting your results this week rather than worrying about having waited so long.”

I was texting my AP about it when something clicked. The same inner critic that is telling me I could’ve completed it a week ago, is the same one that was talking me out of doing it all week.

Keep paying attention to that annoying—trying to be helpful—voice. Pay attention to the patterns. You’ll start recognizing that “catfish.”

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Follow my blog to learn more about the “catfish.” My upcoming book, “You’re Being Catfished: 7 Strategies for Overcoming Your Inner Critic” is set to release this November!

If you loved this post and want to support my work, please visit my Support Page.

Your Passions Are Calling

If you are over 40, or can recall the recent #canwetalkchallenge, you’re probably familiar with the amazing music artist, Tevin Campbell. I was his biggest fan in the 90’s. His posters were plastered all over my bedroom wall. My first time hearing his voice was when he sang lead on a song called “Tomorrow (A Better You, Better Me)” by Quincy Jones. To this day, whenever I hear that song it transports me to a pivotal moment, when I chose fear over self-trust.

Image of an old school chocolate brown and gold rotary phone. Text states Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist. "Your passion is calling... ... maybe this time you answer." mdillondesigns.com
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I don’t remember what grade I was in, but the teachers decided we would perform “Tomorrow” for the school assembly. As we stood on stage practicing, the teacher asked for a volunteer to lead the song. I expected the usual “pick me” students—the popular kids—to raise their hands and fight for the lead. No one raised their hand. The teacher asked again and no one volunteered. I knew the song. In my head, I was singing the entire solo, looking for notes I couldn’t hit, or might “crack” on, to confirm my intention to not raise my hand. She kept asking. Still no one volunteered. I went over the verse again in my head. I started to think maybe I could do it. I looked at her, but I knew someone else would speak up and I didn’t have the confidence to open my mouth.

She asked again, staring right at me. She could see on my face that I wanted to raise my hand, but all I could do was run through the verse one more time in my head, just to make sure I wouldn’t embarrass myself. I got through it. There were no hard notes. I began to raise my hand, and someone volunteered. I quickly put my hand down, hoping no one noticed. I could tell she didn’t really want to do it, but she was confident and I wasn’t so she volunteered. I was disappointed, and relieved. Singing lead felt too big for me. That’s for popular kids. She was a popular kid. I was a “shy” kid, and shy kids don’t sing lead.

Now, several decades later, every time I hear that song, I think of that moment and wonder, “What if I volunteered?” What if I had the courage and raised my hand? What if I blurted out, “I’ll do it!,” walked to that mic, and did a phenomenal job? What if the teacher saw the look on my face, and said, “Marlene, would you like to try it?,” and I said, “Yes,” how would my life have been different?

Not all decisions are trajectory-shifting, but I believe that decision was important. Part of me thinks that if I volunteered that day, and sang that solo, I would be a professional singer, or songwriter, now. I believe that I would have heard the feedback from my classmates and teachers and gained confidence. I would have recognized my love for singing, and pursued more opportunities to sing. Granted, it might’ve gone differently. My voice may have cracked at that practice, or at the assembly, causing such embarrassment that I never sang publicly, again. Honestly, I’ll never know.

All I know is there’s a part of me that truly believes that if I had taken that chance and slowly slipped my trembling hand up, and volunteered, I would’ve rocked that song. I would be Beyonce’, now. 😆 (Okay, clearly not, but) I would’ve embraced one of my strongest passions as a child, and spent the rest of my life doing the thing I love the most….

Some months ago, I saw a post from a PHENOMENAL artist, Dee Lionezz, LLC. She has artistic skills that I cannot begin to describe!** In her post, she shared her excitement about getting back to a project that she was eager to work on, after having just completed another exciting project! The idea of doing something that I love so much that I am eager to do another one, rather than exhausted at the mere thought of having to do it again was so next level to me. I thought about all I do and wondered which gave me that kind of endless excitement. Which of my gifts would have me thinking about the next project while working on the current project?

To my surprise, my answer was songwriting. It’s the gift I give the least amount of effort toward, but music is the one thing I am most passionate about—even more than dance. I love music. I study music. I pay attention to the subtle changes and how they impact the listeners, the patterns, the way intensity is built, the details of riffs and runs. I listen to every genre of music (except 80’s rock and heavy metal—sorry I just can’t.) I make up songs all day, without even realizing it. When I’m at the sink, doing dishes, or when I’m prepping food, and especially when I’m near the washing machine (it’s got the perfect rhythm), I’m writing songs. If I hear music playing in the distance, and can’t fully make out the lyrics—or the details of the melody—I make them up. I sing all day. I have hundreds of hooks, verses, melodies, and baselines saved in my phones, the cloud, and on drives because for at least a decade, I have received fully composed, original songs in my dreams!

With all that said, I’m still not songwriting. I wake up, record what I heard in my dreams, and do nothing with them. I have started and stopped songwriting so many times. Each time I get back to it, I remember it’s hard, or that I don’t have the help I feel I need, life gets busy, and I put it back on the shelf.

I have multiple songwriting apps on my phone. I joined a songwriting meetup group years ago. I got a keyboard. I’ve invested in expensive music software. I created a SoundCloud account (separate from my podcast). I’ve shared my songs with phenomenal musician friends. I wrote a song for Helen Baylor and tweeted it to Helen Baylor. I even began this post many months ago. AND, I have continued to put songwriting on the backburner—to see it as this thing I do… but not well enough to do for real.

This morning, I had an epiphany. It’s time to do the thing that lights me up more than anything. It’s time to stop hiding and being scared. It’s time to stop worrying about how much work it’ll take and what resources and help I don’t have. It’s time to stop feeling unworthy of my passion. It’s time to stop seeing myself as that shy little girl, on stage, who thinks, “This is too big for me.”

It’s time for me to do the inner child work to heal that messaging. It’s time to take that “shy” label off of me and stand in who I truly am. It’s time for me to know that nothing that means this much to me can not be for me. It’s time to know I’m worthy and capable. It’s time to stir up my courage, raise my hand, and say, “I’ll do it!”

The cool thing about passions is that when they belong to you, they keep calling. Even when you don’t realize that you’re being called, you are drawn to them. That thing that you love learning about…. That thing that you watch endless documentaries about…. That topic you know so well that you could teach a course on it…. That topic you talk everyone’s ear off about….

Start to pay attention to what you collect and obsess over…. where you invest your time and your money…. what you love to study. It’s possible you are receiving a call from your passion. Maybe it’s time we both answer.

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist #Proud2BNaturalMe

If you loved this post and want to support my work, please visit my Support Page.