What if your fear of failure is really a fear of criticism? What if you procrastinate because criticism is too painful?

Have you ever met someone who is so full of talent that you can’t understand why they don’t move forward and make that thing their main focus, or source of income? Have you ever wondered why some people start, but don’t complete what they start? Have you ever wondered why you were once so excited about a fun project, but then left it alone for days, months, or even years?

Fear of criticism is one of the major causes of procrastination that I never hear people talk about. We hear about “fear of failure” and even “fear of success,” but what about the crippling fear that so many experience when they think, “What if I do it wrong?”

Let me say this. If you are a parent, teacher, or one who has children in your care, criticize less. Let them try things and feel the joy of it being good enough for them. Nitpicking about how the eyes on their drawing aren’t even or that they misspelled “grandma” on the card they made and the countless other times that you unnecessarily criticize them, is what creates that increasing distance between when they want to share their work and when they feel safe to.

I didn’t realize that the countless times that I was corrected about the stupidest things had such an impact on me until I was in meditation early. I would not be surprised if, for every time I was criticized, I added an additional minute to how long it would be before I felt my work was ready to show the world. It really feels possible that for every criticism I went more internal, that I came to feel it necessary to prepare a little longer before I show anyone what I’ve got. I needed to get it a little more right. I needed to like it a little more. I needed to shield myself from the criticism.

I believed that if I got everything right before I shared I was less likely to feel that gut punch. But after years and years of feeling it anyway, I delayed presentation longer and longer. I went from seconds, to minutes, to decades of preparation to avoid the sting.

I realized this morning during meditation that I am STILL dodging the words, “You’re doing it wrong,” and it’s twin, “You did it wrong.” These messages that I have heard since childhood—that I thought I overcame, mind you—are still finding new ways to delay my progress.

It’s possible that you can relate. It’s possible that you are a serial procrastinator and you don’t even know why. People delay progress for many reasons, but I want you to consider the possibility that it’s not because you’re lazy, and it’s not because you’re too busy, and it’s not because you’re afraid you’ll be too good at it to handle the success. What if the thing that you’re avoiding is criticism?

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

I feel like I’ll share more on this as it flows to me (possibly in my upcoming book, You’re Being Catfished). Just sharing my initial thoughts. Sending blessings and prayers, if you can relate, or if you are a teacher/parent who realizes you’ve been overly critical of your children. It’s not too late. Awareness is so key. It’s hard to continue doing something hurtful once you’re truly aware of the impact of what you’re doing. Just that awareness causes a decreased likelihood. Hugs to you and yours.

I believe I’ve found a key to unconditional self-love.

This morning, I realized that I redefine myself throughout my day. With each action I perform, I reevaluate myself, and honestly others, too.

I’m a good mom when my child is happy, a bad mom when she’s upset. I’m a good business woman when people are buying my offerings, a bad one when they’re not. I’m a good daughter when I can show up for my parents, a bad one when my priorities take precedence. I am a good wife when I greet him with a smile and dinner on the table, a bad one when I’m exhausted and he cooks dinner…

I realized as I journaled earlier, that my upbringing—not just my family, but the church, the school system, my culture, society, etc.—has taught me to judge myself by my performance, rather than my core values. But when who I am is based on performance, my perception of myself can shift many times in a day. No wonder so many of us are exhausted at the end of the day.

Our perceptions of ourselves come from the beliefs we were taught, and criticisms we’ve witnessed and experienced. We take those judgments in and no longer need others to judge us. We begin to judge ourselves.

This morning I woke up with an awareness of this habit and a commitment to letting it go. I am who I am, AND I do things. I am not the things I do. I get to drop the adjectives—the opinionated labels of good, bad, successful, etc. and just be who I am, and make decisions based on my priorities. I don’t need to keep shifting how I view myself all day, based on my decisions. “Good mom” in the morning because I got her to school on time, “bad mom” in the evening because I picked her up late. Every day, all day, I am a mom. Period. Not good, not bad, not exceptional, not lazy. A mom making choices throughout her day.

It’s freeing to drop that tendency to flip flop on how I view myself… to stop the self-abuse. It’s really about shining light on that internal voice that is evaluating every single thing we do. (I break this down further in my upcoming book, You’re Being Catfished.) We get to see that the punishment and rewards systems we experienced in childhood—with labels of “good girl” and “good boy” as additional rewards for our performance, and their opposites as punishments—taught us that who we are is based on what we do.

One way to know if this is still impacting you is to think of how you label yourself (in your mind or aloud) when you can buy whatever you want vs when you have to check your balance first, when you’re the top performer at work vs when you’ve been demoted, when your post goes viral vs when you get no response, or even when you’ve got your snatched body with your six pack abs vs the keg.

If you love yourself unconditionally, your choices don’t change that fact. You don’t beat yourself up when your performance isn’t at its peak. Your love remains, even when your choices shift.

Maybe you’ve already mastered unconditional self-love. That’s great! For me, this realization is new and eye-opening. I am now aware so I can actively stop judging myself and choose actions that best support my present intentions. I get to separate who I am from what I do. I can be a mom who served dinner at 9, instead of 5 without being a “bad” mom. I can take a day off to replenish, and not feel like a “bad” business owner. I can reply to a text message when it’s convenient for me, rather than interrupt my nap, without calling myself a “bad” friend. And I can extend that kindness to others.

When we are more loving and understanding toward ourselves, we are automatically more understanding and loving toward others. We can drop the opinion-based labels we place on ourselves, make aligned choices, and address ourselves, and others, with love.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

#Proud2BNaturalMe

You know in the movies—or maybe you’ve experienced it in real life—how people will take a person all over, seeming like they’ve forgotten their special day, only to allow others to set up the details and arrangements for their surprise?

What if this low time, this uncomfortable period, this odd stage of transition, that seems to be lasting forever, is just the redirect? What if it’s the distraction while the details are being worked out for one of the greatest seasons of our lives?

What if the delays aren’t because we’re doing it wrong, or because we’re out of alignment, or unworthy, but because what we’re seeking to manifest is being lined up and prepared?

What if we’re enough as we are? What if we’re doing enough for this moment? What if we are actually on our way to one of the greatest seasons of our lives?

Life can throw us some painful curve balls. I’m standing at the plate right now, so trust me, I know. It’s not easy when you’re in a tough season. Hugs to you if you can relate.

I’m sharing this perspective shift, because it just came to me. These words comforted me in a moment of sincere WTF. So I’m sharing it with you in case you need a shift, too.

If you’re in a low season, remember seasons are temporary. Even if the details can’t change, we can. We can shift how we view things. we can find a more empowering perspective.

Maybe winter felt extra long, but spring follows. If you’ve been going through for a while, it’s easy to stop expecting good news. Our expectations are powerful. It’s hard to get good flowing when we only expect the bad. Today, I decided good gets to come to me, too.

Let’s begin to look out for good, the way we’ve been conditioned to brace ourselves for bad. Let’s leave a little room for hope, and anticipate some good news for a change. I believe it’s coming. We’re definitely worthy of it. You are worthy and deserving of a good life.

Life gets to be good for all of us. Let’s begin to expect it.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist