One thing my family believes about me is that I easily kick friends to the curb. It’s not actually true, though. It just seems that way because over the years I have released quite a few relationships that were no longer aligned.
I don’t just wake up in the morning and say, “Hmmm… who’s getting kicked out today?” It’s just that once I realize that a relationship is unhealthy for me, I release it. And, I think, most people just hold on to people, even if the relationship is toxic. That’s unacceptable for me. If I’m not good for them, or they’re no longer good for me, I let people go.
Maybe you’ve heard the phrase “relationships are here for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” This statement implies that some relationships are not meant to last forever. Some just come along for a purpose (maybe a life lesson, maybe to introduce you to a place, concept, person, etc.). And occasionally some get to be with you for the rest of your life.
I believe that far too often we offer lifetime memberships to reason and season people.
I heard a minister once say that sometimes we are “building houses where we should be pitching tents.” Not everybody is meant to stay forever… and their behavior and the way they make us feel is often an indication of that…. in my opinion.
So whether it’s a friendship, business partnership, intimate relationship, or even situationship, it’s important for us to recognize when the relationship has reached it’s expiration date.
When we have a gallon of milk, a rotisserie chicken, a fruit or vegetable, there comes a time when if we continue to consume it, it’s probably gonna make us sick. An onion or potato that’s started to grow it’s own plant, is not gonna taste the same as a fresh one. Fruit with fuzz that wasn’t there before, is probably not a piece you want to eat. And I won’t even talk about the chicken or milk. Consuming foods after their expiration likely isn’t gonna make us feel well. But when our friendships start to stink, and unpleasant things begin showing up, we tend to just try to muscle through, ignore that gag reflex and keep on chomping. But whyyyy???
Still stuck on “gag reflex?” So am I. Try to focus. I’m going somewhere. 😂
Sooo…. on today’s podcast, I’m gonna tell you a story about someone I kept around too long. Not an intimate relationship, but someone who’s been like family to me. It’s not easy letting those kinds of relationships go. However, when a relationship feels more bad than good, it’s a sign that it possibly has reached it’s expiration.
I don’t cut people off right away. It’s like back when I used to drink whole (cow’s) milk, occasionally, I’d pause to sniff that gallon of milk because something seemed a bit off. Then, if it seems okay, I might give it a try, but it’s in my mind now so I’m on high alert. I might pour a little in the sink to see if there are any solids in it. But I’m definitely paying attention to see if there are any other signs that it’s no longer safe for consumption.
The same happens with me in relationships. When I notice something is off, I start to pay attention. I watch to see if that thing happens again. I notice how words and actions match up. I think about past statements and moments, that seemed off, that I ignored. I think about how I feel when I interact with them, how their words and behavior impact me. I assess if we are actually aligned, or if I’ve just been kinda floating along.
If I am consistently getting my feelings hurt, feeling offended, insecure, disrespected, etc. I take notice. I sit with it a minute to gather my words. And when I’m clear, I let them know how I am feeling, and how their words/behavior are impacting me.
Let me add a quick communication sidebar…
I am a strong believer in communicating: dealbreakers ahead of time, what my needs are, how I’m interpreting another person’s behavior, what my boundaries are, what the consequences are when my needs aren’t met/my boundaries are disrespected. When I reach a point in a relationship where the other person is doing something that makes me uncomfortable, or feel bad, I let them know as early as I can respectfully communicate how I’m feeling.
As tempting as it is to say, “You are doing….” “You are making me feel…,” I try my best to communicate in a non-accusing way (just in case I’m wrong 😂) and I tell them how I am interpreting their behavior. So I’ll say, “I told you _______, and you said you would/wouldn’t _______, but you did it anyway. And that made me feel _________.” OR “When ______ happened, I felt _______. It made me think you must feel/believe _________. But I could be wrong.” And then I let them respond. And I actually listen to what they have to say.
This non-accusing approach has many times prevented real arguments, because how I was interpreting things was actually way off. And it gave the other person the opportunity to clear things up and share from their perspective. Other times, the person said, “You’re absolutely right. That’s exactly what happened and I see why you responded as you did.” Choosing to not accuse, is a great way to clear the air, because maybe your relationship hasn’t expired, you’re just viewing each other through the lens of misunderstandings. (This happens A LOT.) So communicating how you’re interpreting their behavior, words, etc. WITHOUT ACCUSING is really a great communication practice. Could save a great relationship.
But enough the communication sidebar. We’re talking about breaking up, today. 😂
So when I’ve noticed, observed, and communicated. When I’ve had an understanding with a person about my boundaries, they agreed to respect them, and then broke the agreement…. When I’ve shared what my needs are, what hurts me, or what causes me to lose trust and the person continues to ignore what we’ve discussed—especially repeatedly—yeah, for me, those are signs we’ve reached our expiration.
So here are some phrases I believe are empowering for you to embrace (and use) if it’s time to release a relationship:
- “I realize our relationship is no longer healthy for me.”
- “I’ve been observing for a while, and now acknowledge that our relationship has reached it’s expiration date.”
- “I know it’s time for me to release this relationship because I no longer feel good about you or myself.”
- “I’ve observed your behavior for a while and acknowledge that you do not respect my boundaries.”
- “As a rule, I do not remain in relationship with people who disrespect me/my boundaries.”
- “I love myself too much to remain in relationship with someone who repeatedly hurts me.”
- “I feel I am disrespecting myself by remaining in our relationship, because your words and actions communicate that you do not value me.”
- “Although I value what we had, our current situation is unacceptable for me.”
- “I honestly don’t like how it feels to be in relationship with you.” (Possible addition: “Because when it’s good, it’s great, but when it’s bad, it’s unbearable. And I know the bad is coming. It always does.”
- “I wish we could get back to where we were, but too much has transpired. I’ll never be able to see you the same. And I won’t settle for less than what we were.”
- “I don’t believe you value me enough for this to continue.”
Now, some of these can really sting. And you are responsible for your words, so don’t blame me if these don’t land well. 😂 You have to know your situation. I don’t recommend using these, for example, if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist or in any form of abusive relationship.
This post is actually about releasing unhealthy non-intimate relationships, although these could apply to intimate relationships, going-nowhere-situationships, etc. Maybe you’ve had enough of that dude you friend zoned continuing to try to date you, or you realize it’s time to kick a negative, hating ass long-term friend to the curb…. That’s more what this is about. Please do not use these in caustic relationships. Maybe work through that with a therapist….
Anywho, I hope this helpful for you. I say A LOT of valuable stuff on the podcast episode (listen above). Please overlook the many interruptions. ADHD was having a time since so much was going on outside today as I was recording. But do check it out. (And don’t forget, I cuss. 😂)
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 