You’re not supposed to say this, but I will. You don’t say things like this because people will think that you’re jealous of their success and their good news, but I’m not.
I’m actually at a point in my life where I’m legitimately happy for people. I definitely have had seasons in my life where I was a complete hater. Seeing other people successful, or happy, or moving into a new home, or whatever, would make me sad and angry that it wasn’t happening to me. Now, I’m in a new season.
I’m in a season where I am so happy for you I love that you are having you’ve experienced WHILE I’m sad that I’m not. It’s not that you’re happiness makes me sad. I was already sad. And dealing with the seasonal affective disorder does not help.
Everything is heightened. My awareness of what isn’t right in my life is bigger. It feels bigger. And the ticking clock in my mind…. The goals that I wanted to reach before my daughter is a certain age. The challenges that I believe she wouldn’t experience, if I had more, could do more, and didn’t deal with the challenges I deal with.
I wanted to see her experience Christmas morning in our own home, while she’s a child and can still be excited about Christmas morning. I wanted to give her a dog and a cat and her own room where she had space to create and dance and have friends over. I wanted her to experience having a dad in the home, a good father who showed her what it’s supposed to look like.
Sometimes I don’t know where the neurodivergent part begins and where lack of confidence ends. I don’t know where my relationship with my parents impacts my present, or wear my past relationships fall in my current situation. I just know that it’s not how I wanted to be and somedays that’s hard to deal with than others.
One of the hardest parts of dealing with anxiety and depression on a regular basis is knowing when to pivot my thoughts. Sometimes things are worth contemplating. Sometimes thinking sends you down a rabbit hole of deep despair. Sometimes it’s good to acknowledge what’s not right so you can work on it. Sometimes when you don’t have the answers it’s the absolute worst thing you can do.
As I navigate the season, one of the biggest challenges for me is seeing everybody overcome their sh*t while I’m still in mine. Seeing people who I counseled come out of their sh*t, while I’m still in mine. Seeing people I coached to believe in their gifts and their business, continuously adding a zero while I’m making no money at mine. Coming to recognize how talented, multi-gifted, and anointed I am to inspire, uplift, support, and empower people and feeling handicapped to book, sell, or monetize any of it.
It’s challenging how hard it is for me to do simple things. It’s harder to think of the people who’ve come in my life and promise they would support, when they’re full intention was just to use me and move on.
Sometimes, a look at people enjoying their lives: buying houses, traveling, getting a new family pet, finding lasting love, and while I’m so happy for them, I think to myself, “Will this ever happened for me? Do I get to give my child this kind of life? Are the challenges that I deal with too big for me to overcome alone? Will I ever have help? Will I experience love again, the real kind that lasts? Was I chosen for a life that only gives to others but never truly gets to experience what others do?”
And as those questions file in, find that old, reliable depression start to creep back in. And most days, I pivot and find something uplifting to do. Another days I lean into it until I’m exhausted and just go to bed. And today, I did a little bit of both. When it got too much for me I started to listen to one of my favorite songs, that’s amazing at getting me out of that vibration. And then when I stopped playing it, and all the thoughts rushed back in, I decided to write this post.
If you deal with depression, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Do what works for shifting your mood and keep doing it. I don’t care if you have to have that song on repeat for 3 days. If you have to listen to that motivational speech in your earbuds while you work, do it. If you have to go back to your roots, and put on some old school gospel music, do it. Or if you need to have a little treat to shake the mood, if it’s not going to cause you major illness or something, do it.
I’m about to turn that song back on. It works for me. And I’m going to grab my canvas and finish working on this painting that I’ve been starting and stopping for weeks. And if I don’t feel like listening to that song I’ll probably put on a Christmas movie, a funny one not the sad ones or sentimental ones. I need to bring joy in. I’m going to layer it, for all my senses by lighting a scented candle. I’m going to focus off of the stuff that makes me sad and focus on my music, my movie and my art.
And I just want to say thank you for reading this. Thank you for being here. And if you are struggling please know that I am sending you love right now. We’re going to get through this. You’re not alone no matter how it may seem. We are all connected, and that’s why I was led to write this for you and for me. You are so loved that I was moved to share this, something that I would normally keep to myself. Our world is better with you in it, and thank you for being here.
I have plenty of blog posts and podcast episodes that you can listen to here. If you feel alone, definitely check out my podcast because I am talking directly to you. It’s my own cure for loneliness. It makes me feel more connected to share my stories with you. So if you are feeling alone please check out my podcast, you can find the newest episodes on my blog page.
And as always…
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 