Imposter syndrome is the belief that you don’t belong in the rooms you find yourself in. It’s the paranoia that at any given moment they’ll find out and call you a fraud.
Disclaimer: I need to do one more pass and edit, but if I don’t hit publish, it may be another full year before it’s released. So I will double back and edit at another time, if needed. Please be patient with me. ADHD is not always kind. I meant to post this a year ago, but paused to edit and forgot about it until a Facebook memory came up today.
Of all the things I’ve dealt with on my personal development journey, none has been as crippling as imposter syndrome.
The thing I realize about imposter syndrome is that it’s not a complete lack of confidence. Typically, on some level you know you belong in the room. But there’s a part of you—an annoying, doubtful whisper that worries you constantly. This nagging terrified voice incessantly warns you that others will soon see through your confidence act, discover you’re inferior, and banish you from the room.
So where does imposter syndrome come from?
Honestly, I’ve been dealing with this since at least since kindergarten. And based on my experiences and observations, I’d have to say that imposter syndrome is the uninvited “plus one” of trauma. It sneaks in under the trench coat of traumatic experiences.
Now, remember by my definition trauma is a moment in time when what you believed dramatically shifted because of an unexpected experience. Trauma—by my definition—can be anything from not getting the part in the school play to overhearing your mom tell her best friend you’re “too slow to catch on.” It can be something you experienced, something witnessed, or even something you saw on TV. The main thing is that trauma occurs when what you knew to be true was proved wrong—it’s the moment your foundation of certainty on that topic shifted.
I believe imposter syndrome sneaks into our lives alongside these uncomfortable moments. For me, it entered when I was eagerly telling a story to my older sibling, and they scoffed dramatically, while was midsentence, and said, “Oh my gawd. You know you’re using that word wrong, what do you think an “ottoman” is?” The disgust and superiority on their voice, mixed with the air in their voice that screamed, “How could you possibly be that dumb?” was the most jarring gut punch. I had used the word the same way in so many conversations because I was certain it meant what I thought it did. I felt embarrassed and confused. I just knew they had to be wrong. I argued my case, left the room, grabbed a dictionary, and discovered they were right. Webster confirmed that an “ottoman” is an “an upholstered often overstuffed seat or couch usually without a back,” not an unexpected obstacle you trip over. My use of context clues had failed me. My world was rocked. And I decided “I’m an idiot. Who knows what other words I’ve been using incorrectly?” And from that day forward I second guessed my correct usage of “big” words.
To this day, each time I’m brave enough to utilize my wide vocabulary, I wonder if I’ve chosen the correct word. If you listen to my podcast, you know I still do this. Since I have made my podcast my space to be free and imperfect, I’ll just say the word, wonder if I used it correctly, out myself for it and move on. However, in social settings, like when I’m hanging out with high school friends, I typically feel inferior. If the topic is deep and intellectual, I just sit back and listen. I attended a high school filled with the smartest students in my city. To this day, I still cannot make sense of how I got in. When I took the entrance exam, I felt like a kindergartener taking a statistics final. I KNEW I was out of my league. Despite being accepted to the school and graduating with a 3.3 GPA, I still felt like an idiot. I made great lifelong friends, but continued to feel intellectually inferior.
Imposter syndrome keeps us out of rooms we belong in. We have the intelligence, the skills, and the credentials. We absolutely belong in the room. But old doubts linger.
And that’s the thing about imposter syndrome. It causes transference. In a counseling relationship, transference is “when someone redirects their feelings about one person onto someone else.” It typically happens without even noticing. For example, let’s say you were bullied in grade school by a mean girl named Rachel. She always chewed gum with her mouth open, and did this annoying hair flip thing, and always rolled her eyes whenever she passed your desk. Thirty years later, you’re sitting in the boardroom scowling at Lisa from Accounting as she flip her hair over her shoulder while smacking on gum. Although Lisa has never been unkind toward you, you just don’t like her for some reason. That reason is transference.
Imposter syndrome works in a similar way. After that initial moment of trauma, it stays with you. It looks for people, places, and opportunities that could potentially replicate that uncomfortable moment. And when things feel familiar, it goes into high alert. It causes you to second guess yourself at work. It causes you to question the opportunities you currently have and to avoid new ones. In meetings, on Zoom calls, and during presentations, you find yourself thinking, and even asking your co-workers, “Did that make sense? Did I sound stupid?” Imposter syndrome convinces you not to go for the promotion, to not pitch your idea, and to just keep a low profile. It tells you to be careful whenever there’s a chance that you’re not the smartest, most qualified, or credentialed person in the room. It taps into that secret fear from your past trauma, and fills you with anxiety. Then, it offers suggestions to “help” you avoid impending doom.
Imposter syndrome is the residue left behind when “they” rocked your certainty. That seed was planted when they convinced you it’s possible that you don’t know what you think you know.
The problem with beliefs we develop in childhood is that we make rules out of individual moments. If one person is mean to us, we now think all people are mean. If we have one embarrassing moment we think that all moments can possibly end up being embarrassing. So that one instance where we got it wrong was simply a moment, and part of letting go of imposter syndrome is to recognize that.
Now, I don’t have all the answers because I still find myself hesitating before I use a word. Unfortunately misusing the word, “ottoman” in front of the one person on earth who meets all intellectual mistakes with complete shock and disgust, left me with a deep wound to my self-esteem. And each time after that when I was corrected by that person, or others, a deep groove was formed in my mind about my intelligence.
As unfortunate is this may be, it also gives me so much clarity about ways to heal this wound. Two major ways to impact childhood traumas is through inner child work and positive affirmations/mantras. And I decided to use both in order to heal this deep message. And I’m going to show you how.
First, let’s start with the inner child work.
It is likely that imposter syndrome regarding a particular thing is linked to an incident/incidents in childhood. For example, for me, I had older siblings who made a big deal of pointing out when I used a word incorrectly. It was very embarrassing and so exaggerated (and it happened multiple times) so it created a deep groove in my mind in regard to my ability to have no idea that I’m making a mistake.
As much as that sucks, I (we) can use this kind of knowledge to my (our) advantage. The same way the negative groove were created, can be utilized to create new positive grooves. We can create pathways in our minds that say we are qualified, capable, credentialed, and belong in the room.
How? We can choose to make a big deal of noticing when we get it right. Maybe we don’t do a full on endzone dance, like we just scored a touchdown, every time we use a word correctly. But we can make a mental note of it. We can do a little happy celebration in our minds with our inner child, thinking, “See, you are smart.” After a great presentation, or speech, or after passing an exam or a certification, after explaining something to our child that they didn’t understand priorafter teaching somebody something new, we can spend time with ourselves
Overcoming imposter syndrome is about recognizing the LIE and choosing to no longer align with it. It’s about making incremental decisions on what you’re going to focus on. Are you going to continue to listen to that voice from your childhood or from that significant traumatic event that taught you a rule that was meant to only be for that moment or are you going to begin to acknowledge that you are capable that you are ready that you are significant that you do belong at the front of the room. You have the power to overcome imposter syndrome and it comes from shifting your focus off of that nagging little annoying voice in your head to pay attention to the truth that you know about yourself. You begin to affirm the truth I am capable and here’s my evidence I’ve done this this and this I am talented and here’s my evidence I can do this this and this. I belong here I have this this and this I’ve done this this and this. You become your own lawyer and you argue that voice down combat it with the evidence and if you don’t have evidence yet start creating it. Start showing up as who you know you are and take note of it. Each time you succeed pause and take note of it take a mental note write it down create a list of your evidence that you belong, that you are capable, that you are credentialed, that you both are fully able ready and deserving. Combat that word that voice with the truth until it learns to shut up until you’re so convinced that you don’t need to listen to it anymore.
You have stop listening, and begin talking….
I am worthy.
I am deserving.
I am capable.
I am ready.
I am qualified.
I am called.
I am empowered.
I am determined to do what I came here to do,
to reach who I came here to reach,
to express what I came here to express,
to share what I came here to share,
to be who I came here to be.
I decided to make this my morning mantra. I’ll repeat these words, with power, first thing when I wake up. Instead of repeating the disempowering words that my mind offers, I highly recommend that you do the same. That’s how I’m overcoming imposter syndrome. Every morning I want you to say those same words or create a mantra of your own saying until you feel you’re in your power and say it again every time you feel out of your power repeated in your mind as you do those presentations repeat it in your mind as you go through the world as you walk into those rooms that others may feel that you don’t belong in but the more that you know that you belong there so will they.
There is no power on this Earth in heaven or hell and human or Spirit form that can keep you from being who you are meant to be but you. We have the power to choose our thoughts about how this plays out we have the power to take control of our lives and stop letting our minds convince us that we are not who we know we are that we don’t belong where we know we belong that we don’t get to do be or have what we know is ours to do be and have.
So from now on we talk back. It’s no longer an inner monologue. We’re turning that thing into a dialogue until our voice is the only one heard. We will affirm the truth every time that lie tries to sneak in even if we have to pause and leave the room and get ourselves together.
Yeah I meant to be here we are meant to do this we are far more capable than we have allowed ourselves to believe and it’s time for us to stand fully in our power and take control that from our minds. Let’s choose to focus on the truth and ignore that lie.
You know we are capable and now we are going to decide that we get to be do and have all this hours and we’re not letting anybody take it from us not even our own thoughts.
I don’t just leave here feeling a little empowered. Go right back up there and start repeating your mantra.
UPDATE: I mustered up the energy today to revise this and make it more empowering. Thank you for reading this original version. I am releasing the updated version as a two-part educational blog series.
Check out the updated version below:
– Part 1: Understanding Imposter Syndrome – Release date: 9/21/24
– Part 2: Releasing Imposter Syndrome – Release date: 9/22/24
** Links to each will be added for each. If ADHD causes me to forget please kindly comment and request the links and I’ll add them. Thank so much!
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 