A True Apology

One of my biggest pet peeves is the way many adults teach children to apologize. It’s usually something like this. Well-meaning adult says, “Say you’re sorry.” Offending kid while looking down at the ground grudgingly says, “Sorry.” Offended child looks at them and says, “It’s okay.” Well-meaning adult says, “Now hug and y’all play nice.” Both kids grudgingly hug and say, “Okay.” Then, I roll my eyes at the whole exchange….

Image of a closeup of a person holding a pen with the word Sorry and a heart on the paper. Text states: Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist A true apology comes from the heart. It is vulnerable, remorseful, and sincere. mdillondesigns.com Share.

Side note….. One of the “gifts” of executive dysfunction associated with ADHD is being too easily distracted to focus and complete tasks—regardless of their importance. One of the other gifts of ADHD is random, unpredictable moments of “hyperfocus,” where I can work extended hours without fatigue. It’s REALLY important to take full advantage of those moments and get tons of work done, and I did, BIG TIME….. Okay, here’s the point of the side note….

I may, or may not have pulled a 36+ hours all-nighter yesterday. So I was just sitting here feeling all kinds of rundown after waking from a much needed, “how long was I asleep?,” “What year is this?”, responsibility-ignoring nap. In my mind, I was apologizing to my inner child for not taking better care of myself, and I began to think about the components of a true apology.

So here’s my take on what’s necessary in a true apology. Whenever I really feel sorry, I am:

– Aware (of what I did wrong),

– Willing to Acknowledge (say what I did wrong),

– Compassionate (I care that I did it and it’s impact),

– Remorseful (I am not pleased with myself that I did it),

– Willing to be Vulnerable (I am open to their response),

– Committed to change.

I don’t want an apology where the person flares up and defends their actions. Come back to me when you can make the apology about me and not you. In my opinion, if a person is still defending themselves during an apology, they are not ready to apologize. Whether we had good reason or not, the apology is about allowing the other person to process the offer. We don’t get to bully a person into accepting saying, “It’s okay.” It’s not okay. There would be nothing to apologize for if it was okay.

So here’s an example of a true apology, in my opinion.

“Hey, I was thinking about when I said ____________. I was wrong. That was mean and I can only imagine how that hurt your feelings. I never want to do or say anything to hurt you and I truly apologize. I am asking for your forgiveness, in your own time. From now on, I am committed to being more loving and intentional with my words.” It’s not a perfect apology, but it’s sincere.

Now, just because we are ready to put an incident behind us doesn’t mean that the other person is. We had time to process it, but if we just brought it to them, we need to be patient and allow them to process our words and offer. This is one of the things that irks me when I see the way many couples process things after one person has cheated. So often the person who cheated apologizes but is not humble, vulnerable and patient with their partner by allowing them the time, conversations, questions, etc. necessary to process the offense. I think it’s less than loving to demand acceptance of an apology. I feel like more couples would survive trust breeches, if there was more compassion, patience, and vulnerability from the ones who committed the act of infidelity….

One last thing. I feel that an apology is an offer to the person we’ve offended to take this new information we are offering to process the offense. It bothers me when I see coaches tell the offended party to accept the apology in the same moment it was offered. Just like the person who apologized had time to process what happened, what it meant, and what things will look like moving forward, the person receiving the apology should be given an opportunity to process the offer. They should not be guilted for not immediately hugging you and saying, “It’s okay.” I believe that’s the reason why after an apology is accepted that couples end up having the conversation come up and more questions surface. The person didn’t take adequate time to process through the meanings and the stories and the conclusions. If vulnerability, patience and humility are offered on the front end, then enough time to process is offered so most of the questions get answered and the conversation can truly be settled.

I hope my thoughts on this helps someone. So many of our families and relationships are sitting on shaky foundations because we are not having true conversations. We’re afraid to be vulnerable and constantly defending ourselves, rather than sit through the discomfort of allowing our loved ones to process their hurt. I believe that uncomfortable conversations handled with love are so necessary toward the healing of our families. I just wanted to share my thoughts and I pray that you or someone you share this with will read these words and reconsider what a true apology looks like and see opportunities to offer a little more love.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

#SISTAMoms#healingourfamilies#talktomeandsee#Proud2BNaturalMe#family#communication#apologize#love#community#communitysupport#ADHD#hyperfocus#neurodiversity#neurodivergent

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Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!

Check out our new collaborative venture SISTAMoms Global™, LLC! Yvonne Monique Livingston LLC and Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist have joined forces to bring more love to our world. We are two single moms committed to healing our communities by healing families. We are visiting schools and community organizations teaching the art of healthy communication between peers, parents, and children.

Invite us to facilitate workshops and trainings for students and parents, or find out how you can support our mission below.

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Sheep And Wolves

My ex calls me a “mental midget.” Odd way to start an empowering blog post, but trust me, I’m going somewhere.

Image of a pink and brown hued beach front sunset with words: Healing Our Families, What if, "This is just who I am," is actually your trauma response masquerading as personality?" — Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist, SISTAMoms Logo, #SISTAMOMS #HEALINGOURFAMILIES #

I woke up this morning with a strong urge to get to my computer and just type. Occasionally, I engage in a form of writing that some call a “brain dump,” but I prefer to call stream of consciousness journaling. Essentially, you just grab a pen and paper, sit down at your computer, or grab the voice notes app on your phone and just let whatever is on your mind flow out. You don’t think. You just let whatever words come up flow out freely. It’s a great way to release the feeling of overwhelm.

Anyway, this morning I decided to get up and just type freely. I was amazed, when I came to the discovery that the difference between my ex and myself is our individual choices of a trauma response. My response to an unpredictable, often angry environment was to become reserved and observant. His response was to become loud and domineering. Both are merely responses to trauma.

As I typed this morning, I realized that so much of what we call our personalities is actually just individual trauma responses masquerading as who we are. We walk around in masks we picked up over time to become who we needed to be to survive environments. The loud, angry types, who are always ready for a fight are perceived as strong and scary, while the reserved, sheepish types are viewed as weak and scared. My ex calls me a “mental midget” because my response to exposure to constant anger and criticism was to become socially anxious and shrink back from confrontation. This discovery is huge because I realize that my way of being is not a character flaw, but merely an attempt at self-preservation.

I’m sharing this with you because I feel that my discovery presents an opportunity for you to look at your own “personality” and see how much of that is really you. Are you who you are because that is truly yourself, or are some of your characteristics ones you picked up to deal with your environment? Now, if you are happy with the traits you put on, carry on with your life. However, if some of these traits cause you distress, or create drama in your life, cause you to hurt those you care about, or cause you to shrink back from opportunities that really matter to you, maybe it’s time to address these attributes that don’t belong to us.

I am a huge advocate of great therapy. I have a master’s in counseling. I know for a fact that there are amazing therapists out there who can help us see what we don’t see because it has become a part of us. There are trained, licensed, well-referred professionals out there who can help us observe tendencies and patterns that no longer serve us. There are also intuitive, spiritual healers who are able to support us to move forward with our lives in healthier ways. If it feels aligned for you at this time to work on these tendencies, meditate on finding the right support for you. Who knows? Maybe you’ll even work with me.

I hope my sharing supports you in being more of the truest version of yourself. This is my primary intention in writing these blog posts.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

I am committed to personal development. As much as I love to share a good story, I truly do this because I believe that our individual growth has a ripple effect. As we heal ourselves, we heal our families. As we heal our individual families, we heal our communities. As we heal our communities, we heal our society. As we heal our societies, we heal our world. It all starts with us. This is the work my partner Yvonne Monique Livingston LLC The Art of Black Psychology and I are committed to with our new organization #SISTAMoms.

We are two single moms using our gifts for communication to heal our families and those around us. My parenting communication course on #Udemy, Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship, is an example of the kind of quality work we are doing to promote healthy families.

Keep an eye out for opportunities for us as we are seeking speaking opportunities in schools, libraries, churches, and community organizations. (We are willing to travel.) We are also currently seeking opportunities for funding to support us in expanding our ripple. For more information, reach out to my business partner Yvonne Livingston, message me on my page Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist, or leave a comment below.

Thank you so much! Blessings!

#SISTAMoms#healingourfamilies#talktomeandsee#Proud2BNaturalMe#family#community#communication

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Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!

Tap the pic below to learn more about my course Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship on Udemy.com!

Raise Your Standards

Can I be honest? Lately, life has been whooping my a$$. I’ve been having the most awkward and uncomfortable, vulnerable conversations. I’ve had to out myself about shortcomings and secrets I’ve been hiding for years.

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It’s one thing to share your truth with a friend, or even a random—like a bartender or the unfortunate stranger next to you on a flight. 😆 It’s a WHOLE ‘nother thing to share your truths with your offspring. To expose your most vulnerable secrets to the one person whose opinion matters most… is terrifying.

Well, I did that about a week ago. My daughter is a bit more mature than most her age, and we have a really close relationship. There are boundaries, of course, but we talk. And as much as we talk, there are some things that we hadn’t talked about, because I was afraid of how she’d view me if she knew. Little by little throughout the year (especially after Easter’s grand event 🙄), I’ve been telling her bits and pieces of my past, but this issue is in my present.

I came clean because my secrets were impacting our relationship, and she deserved to know the truth. I came clean because I know there is one person who would love to kick the legs from under our connection, by telling her something I had not shared. I came clean because our relationship matters to me more than any other relationship on this earth and her trust matters.

I have never liked for anyone to have power over me because of a secret. When I was a little girl, one of my siblings (I won’t say which 🙄) threatened to tell on me so they had me working as their personal butler. I was tired of running around following orders, so I went to my mom. I told on myself, THEN I told on them for using it to control me. They got in trouble. 😆 So as far back as I can remember, I never tolerated being controlled by a secret.

I’m still that way. I like to be in control of my narrative, as much as possible. If you read my other blog about my ex, you understand why it’s so important for me to tell my stories myself. I learned the hard way, that when other people tell our stories, they subtract and add….

One beautiful gift my amazing daughter gave me this year is unconditional love. I was used to giving it, but not necessarily receiving it. However, no matter what stories I shared with her, she has loved me anyway. Our relationship has grown closer.

It might seem like a “duh” moment to you, but it was a surprise for me. My greatest terror for years was that if she knew all about me, like really knew me, she would reject me. But she didn’t. A few days ago, I revealed my deepest shame and she loved me anyway.

Through her response, she helped me raise my standard. She offered me unconditional love and I was moved. It healed me. And then I realized, that’s what I offer to others. I deserve to get that in return.

I offer unconditional love and that’s what I expect in return. I believe the people in my life have good intentions, and that’s what I expect in return. If someone I care about is struggling, and I’m able to help, that’s exactly what I’m going to do, and that’s what I expect in return….

I am now at a point in my life where I am acknowledging my worth. My standard now is to receive the love I give. This is no longer an area where I settle and say, “opposites attract.” I’m attracted to reciprocity.

I offer love that feels like love and that’s all I’ll accept in return. I’m done chasing people. I’m done with one-sided friendships and relationships. I’m done being confused on where I stand. “Love feels like love” is my test for evaluating if what I’m doing, and who I’m doing it with, is worth my time, effort, and presence….

This season of life has been challenging AND I’ve learned so many lessons. I still believe “all things have purpose.” I still believe that “God” loves me too much to have me go through for no reason. I still believe that things happen for me, not to me. And I believe to my core that “love feels like love.” That’s my standard, and I’m sticking to it.

Maybe it’s time to raise your standards. Maybe it’s time to accept that you KNOW you deserve better and choose that you get to have it. Maybe it’s time to give to yourself what you desire from others.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!

Give It to Yourself

A few days ago, I wrote on my bathroom mirror, “Love yourself the way you want to be loved. Give it to yourself.”

Image of a woman smiling at herself in the mirror. Text states "Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist 'Give yourself the love you so abundantly give to them. Love yourself the way you want them to love you. You deserve it.' mdillondesigns.com"

The idea came to me after some deep reflection about a love I once had that was so beautiful. I remembered the many times that as I was talking to him, I’d notice the love beaming from him. I could see it in his eyes that he adored me. The intensity was distracting and would make me forget my words and smile back at him. As I thought of the beauty of that, I became sad for a second that he’s no longer in my life. That’s when my inner knowing reminded me that during that relationship I received guidance that the relationship would not last, and that I should treat the experience as a “tutorial in self-love.”

As I thought about how he loved me, I realized that I can give those things to myself. I am worthy of radiating that kind of love to myself. So I wrote the words on my bathroom mirror, to remind myself to use my mirror to love myself. I get to give myself the love I periodically miss as I remember what has been. I get to look in my own eyes with that deep adoring love. I get to see every inch of me as beautiful. I get to see my weirdness and awkwardness as adorable. I get to see the beauty of my scars, my resilience, my mind….

And then I get to add another layer of love. I get to love myself the way I love my loved ones. I get to show up for myself the way I show up for others. I get to believe in myself the way I believe in others. I get to go hard for myself the way I go hard for others….

We deserve the love we so readily give to others. When we long for connection externally, it’s an awesome time to check in with ourselves and see if we are giving ourselves that love. We get to connect with ourselves. We get to tap into the core of what we desire, ask ourselves, “What do I want to feel?” and find ways to give that to ourselves. In doing so we radiate the energy that we desire to draw to us.

Have you ever been in a really great mood and noticed that people were extra kind? They hold the elevator for you, they smile and say, “Good morning,” you get all the green lights, and the up front parking spaces. It’s the vibe. Your vibe attracts like energy.

Similarly, it has been my experience that when I am loving myself sincerely, when I’m feeling great about myself, when I’m enjoying my own company, that’s when aligned relationships float into my life… effortlessly. So rather than miss the love I once had, I choose to remember it, and find ways to give it to myself. As I love me, I radiate the vibe that will draw an even better love into my life. 🥰

Love yourself the way you want to be loved. Give it to yourself.

Know that you deserve it.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

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Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!

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