I see so many posts saying, “Stop playing small,” as if people who aren’t showing up fully in their power are eagerly choosing a smaller life. As someone who has been “living small” as a result of many disempowering beliefs, I thought it might be helpful to provide some perspective. It may prove eye-opening for people like me who are the last to volunteer for leadership roles, and for those who eagerly “step up to the plate.”
From birth though the toddler years, we are typically very confident and feel we have a right to everything our soul desires. We’ll grab and take and cry for what we want until someone does our bidding. However, as we get older there many opportunities for us to learn that the world does not revolve around us, that people will not applaud everything we do, and that we can get in trouble for not following the rules everyone else seems to know.
These lessons can shift us from being naturally empowered, confident beings. Depending on the severity of the lessons, we may learn that it is not always safe to show up fully in our power.
This is why I believe “playing small” is a trauma response. I know that term is often overused, but it is true. If at some point in our lives (likely childhood) we were taught (directly or subliminally) that we don’t get to show up fully in our power, or that it’s not safe, we can develop a habit of choosing to take a back seat.
If you eagerly went out for the lead role in the school play, and not only did you not get the part, your classmates laughed at you for even considering yourself worthy to audition, it might leave a lesson in your mind that you don’t have the right to step into big roles. If you are the youngest of your siblings, and were constantly told “you’re not big enough” or “that’s too big for you” or “you’re too little,” you may still be holding that lesson in your mind and it will cause you to hold back and feel unworthy to step into bigger opportunities… until you address it. If your science project presentation in middle school went horribly, so horribly that even the teacher was giggling, you may have trouble speaking up in meetings at work. We often don’t realize that events in childhood, or at other significant intersections in life, are the reasons we don’t step fully into who we are meant to be.
Many, who don’t deal with these problems, can be less compassionate and say things like, “Oh, get over it. You’re grown, now. Let that go.” But for the mind, it’s not always that simple. We do the bulk of our learning between 0 and 7 years old. Then we spend the rest of our lives proving those lessons right. If you learned what a dog was at 2 years old and spent your entire life seeing dogs, and hearing people call these animals dogs, and noticing the difference between dogs and other animals, no one can come to you at 37 and tell you a dog is actually a cat. You’ve spent over 30 years solidifying that belief. The same goes for hard wired beliefs about who we are, what’s possible for us, and what we believe about how life works. We’ve been solidifying those beliefs for a long time.
However, if someone provides us with convincing evidence that what we believed is completely false, it’s possible to shift beliefs. We have to go back and override the lesson we received way back when. This is why I love inner child work. It may feel a little weird, but it is actually very effective. We can go back to those moments in our childhood where we learned a lesson that is not serving us, and reteach our inner child the new lesson. We don’t have to wait another 35 years to condition ourselves into a new belief. We can use the power of our imaginative mind, visualize having a conversation with our 6 year old self, explain the new lesson, and choose from that point forward to only affirm the new truth! Inner child work is fascinating.
When we use the term “trauma response,” people often think it’s too extreme. Trauma isn’t just a major death, abuse, a car accident, etc. To the mind #trauma can simply be the moment that what you once believed was dramatically shifted to another belief—possibly because of the actions or words of someone else. For the mind, traumatic moments are often simply the events that forever change the way we view a person, place, thing, or situation.
It is often through introspection—going back and healing these moments—that we find peace to move forward fully in our power. Inner child work is one of my favorite tools for #healing old beliefs, and figuring out what is holding us back. I highly recommend it, and if you need help with it, consider booking me for a 15-minute Empowerment Coaching Chat (Reach out to me on Facebook.) I hope this explanation has been helpful for you.
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!
I must admit, I didn’t want to write this post. Each time I approached it, I got too emotional. But, just as with any of my other posts, this is not about me. I never know who may be touched by my words. I openly share my experiences, with the hope that at least one person—and hopefully more—will find support, encouragement, guidance, acceptance, or just the sense that you’re not alone….
And before we go on, let me tell you, regardless of how lonely you may feel, “You are not alone.” The older I get the more opportunities I have to see that there are so many others who feel as I feel, who’ve been hurt as I’ve been hurt, who understand the isolation I experience. I pray that if you feel alone, as I have so many times (and still do, more often than not), that you will stick around and give life the opportunity to show you that there is a tribe that gets you. There are others who understand and can relate to the effed up stuff you’ve experienced. You can be loved as you are, and supported…. All these things are new discoveries for me, so I’m glad that I chose life on the many days that giving up felt like my only option.
By now, most people have heard of the devastating news about Twitch. I hesitated to write this post because I didn’t want to seem like another person jumping on social media to talk about this to capitalize on this tremendous loss. I refused to take his death as an opportunity to ride the wave of a trending topic. A Black man is dead, his wife is a widow, his children are fatherless, and his loved ones and fans are devastated. Empty posts for likes at this time are heartless. I wanted to write a post of substance.….
I also hesitated to write this post because it’s an emotional trigger for me. I battled with depression (including suicidal depression) for decades. I’ve gotten one step away from taking my life several times. My family had no idea about the suicidal thoughts. Many will find out as they read this post.
I’m writing this blog post to offer some clarity regarding things I hear people say each time we receive similar jarring, devastating news about a celebrity….
“They were always uplifting everyone else.” “Just hours ago, they seemed so happy.” “We couldn’t even tell.” As someone who has MANY times, been in a horrible emotional state, but still took a call, or had a text convo, cracked a couple jokes, uplifted the person, ended the chat with a laugh, and then immediately went back to my pre-conversation depression, I can tell you that if a person doesn’t want you to know, you won’t. Pain can be compartmentalized.
“They are so selfish.” “People looked up to them.” “What about their family and their friends?” When a person is struggling with suicidal ideation (thinking about or planning #suicide), more often than not, the person’s intentions are the complete opposite of selfish. Often that person feels they are doing the world a favor. They are convinced (typically irrationally) that they are: the issue, the cause of an insolvable problem, and through their death the problem will be solved, and everyone will be “better off.” The person feels certain that there are no other viable solutions to the problem that they’ve been ruminating over. It’s not true, but in this altered state of mind the person’s access to other options is limited and they begin to see leaving as the only way out. To them, suicide is not an act of selfishness; it’s an act of desperation. And for some, they honestly believe, it’s an act of ultimate sacrifice.
When news like this hits, it’s jarring. AND we must realize that our commentary matters. In the moment, we may think that no one we know would ever be contemplating something like this. Unfortunately, there may be someone in your household who secretly is having similar thoughts right now. If they hear you commenting about incidents like this in a way that is not supportive, you can guarantee that they are not coming to you to talk. If your child, spouse, friend, or parent hears you saying, “committing suicide is so stupid and selfish,” or that “people who do that are weak,” or “What’s wrong with people? They need to go pray and stop letting the devil use them,” or all the other things people tend to say, you can guarantee that you just missed an opportunity to save the life of that loved one.
Just because you wouldn’t do it, doesn’t mean that those around you haven’t contemplated it. Unsupportive commentary by people who lack empathy creates a greater sense of isolation for those struggling with suicidal thoughts. What if your loved one saw this as an opportunity to finally tell you that they’ve been struggling with these thoughts secretly, but they heard you call the newly deceased every negative term that came to mind? They’re not going to talk to you. You just shut that door.
You may read this and say to yourself, “No one I know would do something like that,” but how many thought Twitch was going to do it? Who thought Anthony Bourdain, Ray Combs (host of Family Feud), Don Cornelius (host of Soul Train), or Robin Williams (beloved hilarious actor) would do it? We saw the video Twitch posted. He was smiling, dancing, and interacting with his family that morning!
One of the most jarring things, when we lose someone to suicide, is that we didn’t see it coming. It’s one thing when the person is constantly moping around, and “seems depressed,” but when you just spoke to the person a week ago, or saw them post on Facebook a day ago, or just shared a laugh with them an hour ago, it can flip your world upside down.
I’m writing this post for numerous reasons. The main thing is that we need to talk about it. I admit that I am uncomfortable talking about it. When people I care about tell me that they are feeling depressed or even that they don’t want to be here, I deflect. It’s too overwhelming to think that someone we love could choose to exit prematurely. And I accept that I am not helping by not being available to them. I refuse to let his death be in vain. I am seeing myself and how I can make different choices moving forward.
When people need to talk, it may be outside our comfort zone, or even our emotional capacity, but we need to figure out what we CAN do, and what IS within our capacity. Maybe we can’t be the person they call and give the details every night, but we CAN tell them we love them and help them feel wanted, liked, and appreciated. Maybe we can’t support them to come over whenever they’re feeling down, but we CAN help them Google therapists that can support them in respect to their budget. Maybe we can’t sit through all the details of why they hate their life for hours every day, but maybe we CAN afford to pay for their first few sessions with a therapist, find them a support group, or give them an hour, to vent, today.
We can tell them the truth and support how we can:
– “I don’t know how serious you are right now, but know that it would gut me, and I’d never be the same if you left this earth. I love you and I want you here.”
– “I am struggling to hold myself together right now with all that’s going on, and I hear that you’re hurting and that matters to me.”
– “I’m so grateful you told me. I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. I just want to be honest, I’m afraid to say the wrong thing. I’m not good at this, but I love you and I’m willing to try.”
– “I hate that you’re hurting right now. I really think that talking to a therapist is a great idea. Let’s see if we can find one that matches your needs because I hear that there are free therapists available through many hospitals and clinics.”
We need to focus on what we can do, rather than on what’s outside our capacity. We need to pay attention to the messages we are sending our friends and loved ones. We need to grow up and stop thinking that being sensitive to others means we can’t be free. Being free to be a jerk, should not be our top priority.
We need to pay attention to how we talk about circumstances like this when we see them on the news. We need to use these opportunities to let the people we love know that sometimes life does suck, and if they’re ever at a point where they feel life is not worth living, to let us know because we are here for them and want them around.
I reached out to a dear friend of mine, yesterday, and created a plan. I have plenty to live for and love my daughter with all I’ve got. AND I know that in the past I dealt with suicidal depression. So I reached out to my dear friend and told her that we need to have a symbol or emoji or something that lets her know that this time when I’m saying “life sucks,” it’s not just PMS. Call me immediately, or the second you can. (The emoji I chose is this symbol.) So she knows that if I send this emoji, or use it as a reaction on a voice message, that I’m not just having a bad day. And she knows that I will never use it as a manipulation tool to get her to call me any other time. It’s not for “crying wolf.” If she sees that, she knows I’m in distress and reaching out for support. We also discussed that she may not reach out for 45 minutes as she puts her life in order to be available for me. She has a child and husband that depend on her, and a busy schedule. It’s a realistic plan. I have no intentions of leaving this earth early, AND I know that life can come with a BS combo that could knock me back into feeling hopeless. I’m not waiting ‘til I’m in that kind of state, when I’m not fully capable of asking for help, to have this conversation. I’m establishing it right now. And if you’ve ever dealt with suicidal depression or have been really depressed lately, it might be a great idea to meditate on who your safe person is, and consider having this conversation.
Know that someone can be in that level of distress in one area of their life, and still show up as expected in so many others. Just because a person doesn’t seem depressed, doesn’t mean they are not dealing with depression. I write empowering posts, and have primarily uplifting content, and I am presently dealing with moderate depression (according to my doctor who just evaluated me two days ago). If Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist can be struggling, anybody can.
I’m going to end with my story—my personal reason for sharing this. A few days before 911 I was really depressed. I had been struggling to bring in enough money to move out of a situation that was toxic. I was tired of being frustrated with my life. I called one of my closest friends and told her that I was planning to take my life that night. I told her how I was going to do it and that I was just calling her first. She blew me off and rushed me off the phone with a, “Girl, just call me tomorrow.”
When I called her, I was probably only 85% certain that I was going to do it. When she brushed me off, I was so pissed that I grabbed my paper and pen and wrote my suicide note. I wrote an extra special P.S. to ensure she was aware that how she handled that phone call solidified my decision.
I don’t remember exactly what crossed my mind that caused me to not take that drive that night. I just remember that something “told me” to reach out to my former counselor in the morning, as a last resort. I called her, and she made room in her schedule. I drove an hour and a half to see her, and thankfully she helped me make sense of my struggles. She gave me hope. She’s the reason I’m still here, today.
Not everyone will listen to that inner voice. Some people will hear those dismissive words from a loved one and let that be the nail in their coffin. I am writing to encourage you to be mindful of your words and how you deal with people who say they are depressed. Take as many opportunities as you can to let the people you love know that their presence matters. Use my words above to find ways to introduce this conversation. It is an awkward one, but I believe we’d rather deal with discomfort now, than devastation later.
I don’t have all the answers. And you could do everything right and a person could still make that choice. Please know that if you have been left behind by someone under these circumstances, that none of what I’ve said means it was your fault. The choice belongs to the person. My intention here is to help you understand ways that you and I can be supportive to the people who are still with us.
Sometimes we think people know how we feel about them, or that we are here for them, but they need to hear the words. Suicide is on the rise, and our children and seniors are the most vulnerable. We have to have these talks. We have to be more careful about how we discuss this topic. We need to let our loved ones know that we want them here.
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!
In the future, I see myself creating a school (eventually a school system) with a primary focus on creating an environment where all students feel emotionally, physically, psychologically, socially, and academically safe.
I want to create an environment where #neurodivergent students know they are supported and never shamed for processing, interacting, and learning differently…. A system that models a true zero tolerance bullying policy and has a hands on approach in regard to #restorativejustice. An environment where bullying is not tolerated in any form, on any level…. that means cruel narcissistic teachers, shame based classroom management, and the culture of excusing the behavior of a minority of acting out students that creates an emotionally and physically unsafe environment for the rest of the students will not be tolerated. A system where teachers feel appreciated and safe to bring their own flavor to their work, so they are excited about their jobs rather than burned out. A system that recognizes the need for empirical data, but is not structured around standardized testing. A place where assessment takes into account the whole child, their learning style, their natural interests and anxieties. A system that utilizes children’s strengths, passions, and interests to cultivate and maintain their love for learning. A system that encourages children to dream and support each others dreaming. I see a school that feels like a utopia for students, educators, admins, and parents. It’s so possible.
We spend so much time talking about problems that solutions are rarely created. We place bandages on deep festering wounds, and treat symptoms rather than get to the root and address it. I see differently and think differently for a reason. Tired of watching our kids suffer and struggle and want to leave this earth because they don’t feel safe in our schools. There are teachers that make them feel dumb. Admins do all they can to not provide the services and supports they need. I am tired of hearing the same problems from all over the nation. The children who are being bullied are receiving the same advice, “Tell a teacher,” and the children’s response is, “I did. They don’t do anything,” or “The teacher was right there. He didn’t say anything.” Parents who are advocating for the child to receive services to help them succeed in school are told, “Expect some pushback. They’re probably going to deny you the first time, but keep advocating for your child.”
I’m tired of everyone seeing the problem and doing nothing to change the system to support our children. Children are dropping out of school earlier and earlier. They are having anxiety attacks and are physically shutting down, school refusals are on the rise where a child would rather take any punishment, and even their own lives, than enter a school building. When are we going to do something?
I’m tired of sitting by wondering when someone is going to do something so I’m going to start writing the vision of what I want to see. I’m using all these stories I’ve heard and lived to create a plan for schools who are willing to shift. SEL is now a forced part of the learning experience in our schools, but teachers and admins need social emotional learning too. Sometimes they’re the worst ones in the building, and their behavior and indifference trickles down to the teachers, and that trickles down to the students. If teachers are roasting students in front of the class, why wouldn’t students do it? If admins give out minimal disciplinary actions to children who are creating a toxic environment, because “they’ve got stuff going on at home,” how is that supportive to the majority of children? What lesson does it teach? So all the other children have to struggle and feel unsafe while we excuse inappropriate behavior. How is that okay? Why is that the norm?
I could go on and on, but rather than complain about the problem, I’ll be adding to this vision, and creating what I believe it should look like. It’s gotten so out of hand. I want our children’s joy back. I believe I can be a part of the solution.
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!
So… I’m ready… well, almost ready… to start #dating again. I’ve been thinking about it… a lot… for a while now, but it’s getting worse because my dear friends (who were on this #singlemomlife journey with me ) are rapidly finding love…. like the forever kind… and it’s just making more aware that I don’t have a person.
I’ll be honest. I chose to remain single. When my “marriage” ended, I gave my whole focus to #motherhood and building my brand. Over the years, I’ve split my attention when I experienced mutual interest with a beautiful, kind, intelligent, loving, supportive, Black man, but it never turned into that forever #love I know I deserve, and that my daughter deserves. I’ve been so busy with life, raising her, creating, sharing my gifts, deep diving into personal development, and attempting try every trick any coach, guru, or business leader said would work to create a sustainable business. That left little time for anything else—or anyone else—so I just continued with life and let being coupled not matter.
However, lately, it’s been on my mind. I want a person to witness life with me. I want to show up to functions with a plus one that isn’t my daughter, or my cellphone (as I work through the whole event). I want my daughter to experience seeing her mother in love, to know what it is to have a loving father in the home she’s being raised in before she’s too old to appreciate it. I want her to know what it’s like to have a “traditional” family. I want her to experience the unconditional love a father. I want to feel like I’m not in this world by myself, that I have a companion and witness to my experiences. I want to go out on dates. I want a dance partner. I want someone sitting by my side at school events. When the time comes, I want her to have her “dad” and mom drop her off at college. I want someone by my side to squeeze my hand as her waving image gets smaller in the rearview mirror.
I wanted to be available for her and I didn’t want anyone to take my attention from the two most important “things” in my life—my daughter and my business. And now I feel like I’m nearly ready to focus on 3 things, and fear is coming up…..
I think I’m venting because I realize that the idea of returning to dating makes me feel nervous…. I know that I am a great woman, that I’m loving and kind, that I’m supportive and encouraging, and that I can cook exceptionally well in whatever room you think I’m talking about. And, I know that there are some areas I struggle with as a result of being #neurodivergent, and from overcoming life experiences that impacted me deeply. I deal with social anxiety and need to be with someone who understands how that effects my presence and behavior. I have #ADHD and the way it presents in my life is that most executive functioning tasks very challenging. I need someone who understands that and that impacts every aspect of my life—someone who’ll see how hard I’m trying and never shame me for not doing more…. someone who’ll be supportive and loving, especially toward the parts of me that are challenges….
…. And I honestly wonder if I have it in me to allow that in…. to believe I get to have that. My desire is for unconditional love and I wonder if my life experiences will allow me to trust again that it’s possible for me. I feel like I deserve it, but I, honestly, still wonder if I get to have it. I wonder if my way of being, and my struggles, will be too much for Mr. Next. I don’t want to meet someone and fall in love, only to find out that they don’t really accept me as I am… again. I want to meet someone who loves me unconditionally, who sees my struggles, accepts me, and wants to help. I’ve seen couples like that—couples who know their love forgets things so they leave reminder love notes for their partner. It’s so inspiring….
I feel like it’s my work now to believe that’s possible for me. I want to experience the kind of unconditional love that will be an example for my daughter of what it looks and feels like to be loved right. I want her to experience the beauty of seeing her mom in love and to know that this same man loves her with the innocent and beautiful protective, supportive, and encouraging love of a father. I want to have adventures, to learn to swim and ride a bike and try new foods. I want a companion as I travel, explore, and experience success. I want a dance partner, who enjoys the arts, so I won’t feel like I’m dragging him to cultural events. Better yet, I want him dragging me out the house to do the things he knows I’d love to do but probably won’t voluntarily do because of social anxiety. For him to be so present with me through it that I have the best time and feel so supported and loved and safe to be myself.
I want to feel safe…. emotionally, physically, psychologically, and even financially. I want someone who will stretch my awareness of what love gets to be for me farther than I’ve ever known. I want someone to give me what I give to others—full acceptance. And right now I feel that the distance between being fully ready and being almost ready is my ability to trust that exists for me, that I get to have that, that I get to be loved unconditionally.
Thank you for reading and taking this journey with me. I am ready to be ready for love. Please hold space with me to believe for my Mr. Right to come stepping in at the right time…. and for me to believe he’ll stay. Thank you.
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist is a single mom who lovingly shares her insights here for free. BuyMeACoffee offers readers a great way to support her work. You can securely send her a gift (a cup of matcha) as a thank you for this post. Simply tap the photo. Then, to the right of the screen, choose “Support” (to send her a one-time gift) or “Membership” (to give monthly). You can even add a thank you message! Blessings!
As someone who has been “living small” as a result of many disempowering beliefs, I thought it might be helpful to provide some perspective. It may prove eye-opening for people like me who are the last to volunteer for leadership roles, and for those who eagerly “step up to the plate.”
symbol.) So she knows that if I send this emoji, or use it as a reaction on a voice message, that I’m not just having a bad day. And she knows that I will never use it as a manipulation tool to get her to call me any other time. It’s not for “crying wolf.” If she sees that, she knows I’m in distress and reaching out for support. We also discussed that she may not reach out for 45 minutes as she puts her life in order to be available for me. She has a child and husband that depend on her, and a busy schedule. It’s a realistic plan. I have no intentions of leaving this earth early, AND I know that life can come with a BS combo that could knock me back into feeling hopeless. I’m not waiting ‘til I’m in that kind of state, when I’m not fully capable of asking for help, to have this conversation. I’m establishing it right now. And if you’ve ever dealt with suicidal depression or have been really depressed lately, it might be a great idea to meditate on who your safe person is, and consider having this conversation.
I’ve been thinking about it… a lot… for a while now, but it’s getting worse because my dear friends (who were on this 
) are rapidly finding love…. like the forever kind… and it’s just making more aware that I don’t have a person. 
And, I know that there are some areas I struggle with as a result of being 
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