Interaction I just had with my teen daughter….
Me: Do you want to pick that stuff up off the floor?
Her: No. Actually I don’t.
Me: Can you please pick those things up off the floor?
Her: Sure. See. It’s all in how you ask.

The difference between me and many parents is I don’t get offended by her honesty. I don’t mind rephrasing the question. I don’t mind asking rather than telling. I respect her right to not feel like doing something. I don’t walk in telling her to do things. I walk in and connect with her first. We had a full conversation with me noticing, but not staring at, the things on the floor. And I waited until right before I was leaving, when we were in a good place, to comment on it, and respectfully asked her to pick the things up. I trust that when I go back in there, they will be picked up. And if they are not, I don’t have to fly off the handle and accuse her of ignoring a direct order. I don’t have to get offended. I can just remind her to do it and ask her to get it done by _______.

As our children get older, they are more aware of their likes and dislikes, and their desire for autonomy grows. They are more aware of their right to do things they want to do and not do things they don’t. It’s not a reason to be offended.

As we age, our desire to choose for ourselves is kinda automatic. It’s a natural part of growing up. For many parents, the “it’s my way or the highway” style is the go-to. But given how advanced this new generation is regarding their human rights and emotional intelligence, “because I said so” is a bit antiquated.

These teens want to understand our reasoning behind our requests. They want to know why it needs to be done exactly now and not later, and why it’s important at all. Our willingness to give more information is a huge tool for improving communication between us and our teens. Their pushback is merely a natural part of getting older. It doesn’t have to be seen as disrespect.

What you can get a 20 year old to do, a 30 year old will at least have questions first. What you can get a 30 year old to agree to, a 40 year old will politely decline. If you ask a 50 year old to do something they’re not interested in, they’ll tell you straight up. And when they hit 60 and above, just brace yourself. #straightnochaser

It’s not personal. It’s growth. We can teach them, through communication, how to respond/question respectfully. They are growing, and if we want peace in our homes (and healthy relationships with our teens), we have to be willing to grow, too.

I really just want to help families heal. If this made sense to you, or gave you another perspective, you’ll love my online parent communication course, Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship. It’s available on Udemy. You might even catch it on sale if you hurry.

---

For more information about Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship, check out this great informational video!

Those aren’t decorations. When you see a red flag, don’t ignore it. Trust your gut.

When I look back on my past hurts and embarrassing moments (relationally), I see MANY moments where I saw, or felt, something was off but I ignored obvious signs. After the fact, the indicators are numerous, but the part that hurts is that I saw them and chose to overlook them.

I don’t like repeating the same mistakes. I prefer to learn. One lesson that I am finally accepting is that I get to trust my instincts. I have greater discernment that I’ve previously acknowledged. As I review past decisions, I can see so many times that I felt something was off, or an incident occurred that made me uneasy, or I saw something that didn’t sit well with me. Because I wanted to believe in whatever dream I was being sold at the time, I overlooked what I saw, accepted whatever excuse I was given, and stored that red flag in the back of my mind.

It’s challenging accepting when we’ve been fooled. What makes it harder is when the multitude of red flags we stored in that storage closet at the back of our minds. We see the many moments that our inner guidance warned us and we ignore it. We realize that the hurt we’re experiencing is in part due to our own negligence.

Lately, I’ve been really thinking about how I can better honor myself in future relationships. It is so common for me to notice a “red flag,” feel guilty for being “too picky,” and then allow that red flag to slip on by. However, now, as I look back on the many moments that I saw and felt things were not lining up, I realize how many times I knew before the devastation that I was not aligned… and I ignore it.

I’m writing this today to encourage you to pay attention to what you observe. It’s not about nitpicking and expecting perfection. It’s about having a standard, recognizing our priorities and deal breakers, and separating the truth from the bullsh*t.

Do the words line up with actions? Does this feel aligned or make me feel uneasy? Am I honoring my core values, ethics, and beliefs?

Sometimes we don’t want to make waves by speaking our truths. We don’t want to experience conflict by acknowledging the red flags we observe. But by doing so we don’t honor our truth. Then, when things fall apart later, we have guilt and regret.

I’m over wishing I had paid attention to red flags. I am over playing mind games with myself—pretending to not see what I’ve clearly observed. And most of all, I’m done being manipulated by others to see things they way the want me to see them, as if I don’t have discernment.

I intend to go through the rest of my life with my eyes open. I want to live my life, and engage with others, with awareness. I plan to take my time to observe and act accordingly. I will see pressure to rush my process as a red flag.

Of course, we get to have some preferences that we are flexible on, but when it comes down to our core values, priorities, and deal breakers, we need to pay attention when we begin to drift from what really matters to us.

We get to be more intentional with our vetting. We get to stop being “nice” to avoid conflict, and stand guard to our hearts. We get to stop overlooking what we observe and be honest with ourselves when we see red flags.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist