You ever met a liar that’s so good they could convince you that you aren’t you?
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That happened to me—well, it’s been happening. This chick is so good that she even sounds like me. She had me confused so many times. I heard her voice and knew she was me.
To be totally honest, I’m not even sure how many years—well, decades—I’ve been catfished.
But don’t worry. Lately, she’s been getting sloppy. Her phrases are becoming repetitive. She’s developing a pattern. I can almost predict what she’ll do next. I know what she’ll say, and even when she’ll show up.
I am developing a portrait of my inner critic. Like a sketch artist with a little more information, I’m filling in the details. Soon she won’t be able to fool me anymore.
Sometimes when you’re sowing “ahead of your time,” you can burn out before harvest season.
I’ve known for a long time that I wanted my book, I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!, to be an enduring classic children’s book. Over the years, I have spoken to people of all cultures, colors, and countries and they all said the same thing, that the message of my book is for all children. The first ever feedback I received on my children’s book was from a blond haired, blue eyed friend in Scandinavia. She told me that the message was universal. And honestly she surprised me. I truly wrote the book with the thought of how underrepresented children who look like my daughter are in children’s books. I wanted children to see themselves in the pages. I wanted children to recognize the hairstyles and identify with the complexions of the characters.
I knew what it was to flip through a hundred cable channels and find just one show with a positive image of a Black person. I knew how many stores I would have to visit to find a Black Barbie. I remember how disappointing it was to search for party supplies when her birthdays were approaching. And I chose to intentionally be a part of the solution to the lack of representation problem.
So I worked for years designing products that celebrate natural hair and diverse complexions. I attended tons of natural hair events and book fairs. And I revised my book I’m Proud to Be Natural Me! at least 8 times. I have always known it is meant to be an enduring classic. And now boys and girls, children of various hair lengths and complexions, individuals with albinism, vitiligo, and every shade of melanin in between will have a book where they can see themselves. And this book doesn’t just display beautiful illustrations, it features an ongoing affirmation from cover to cover that helps children gain self-acceptance while they enjoy the story.
This book is a huge part of my legacy. Pretty much all my work to date evolved out of it. And as much as many have asked when I’m coming out with the next children’s book, I could never fully dedicate myself to the new ones because this one wasn’t established. I know what it is, and I know what it’s mean to be….
So today after my day nap, I had this really healing and inspiring epiphany. I realized that being a pioneer, as one of the first authors with a natural hair themed book, it was uphill and extremely niched. However, now, naturally curly hair is everywhere I look. I love seeing us freely embrace our hair, and witnessing the broad acceptance my generation didn’t experience.
This journey has been long, and it’s been hard emotionally, as I’ve had more conversations than I can count about how “it’s time to do another one.” I wanted to move on but I couldn’t. I wanted to see this one succeeding and selling. I wanted to see it in the hands of way more children. I wanted it to be as I envisioned, grand scale.
As I finish up the cover on this (hopefully final) version of I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!, I realize that all this time I’ve been looking at my book as a flower, wondering when it would bloom. Now, I realize I was planting a grand tree. And in my head I hear Donald Lawrence singing, “the wait is over, walk into your season.”
BTW I’m Proud to Be Natural Me! is available on Amazon. Link in comments. The new version will be released soon via Ingram Book Company making my book available for libraries, stores, bookstores, etc. Keep an eye out and ask your local library to for it.
“Occasionally an egg gets cracked. It’s all about what you choose to do with it.” — Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Sometimes unexpected problems arise. We don’t know what to do except fall out and ruminate over the problem. I think that the blessing of my life is that I’ve been through so many unexpected turns and twists that now I am trained to look for how I can use this new instance to my advantage.
I’m not saying that I don’t initially get derailed. Honestly, right now, life has me hanging off the rails and part of me wants to give in, and give up. But ultimately I’m not built like that. Maybe it’s the strength in my genes, or maybe it’s the fighters—my ancestors—surrounding me keeping me from giving up. All I know is something within me (or whispering around me) always finds another way to view the situation.
And I don’t mean literal cracked egg situations, although I do it with those, too… most times. I mean, stay-at-home mom with no money of my own, husband doesn’t come home, about to be evicted, makes a plan and cries later type of situations. I mean, school is starting, can’t live in the dorms, can’t afford an apartment, and haven’t applied for one, sleep on an air mattress on friends’ living room floor for months type problems.
Life has not always been kind to me. Most days I think I’m the butt of life’s inside joke. However, I find a way to use life and all it’s bull for good.
If I didn’t, I would have never started blogging. It’s the spins on life situations that come to me that I share here. It’s the alternate perspective of what to do with the mess that falls that has created my blog and podcast.
Things are far from beautiful on my end. At least once a day it feels downright unbearable. But somehow I always get an idea of what to do with the bullsh*t that falls before me. Somehow I am gifted another way to see it. Somehow I find a way to make a meal from life’s cracked eggs. And I hope that you will, too.
It’s okay to get frustrated, sad, angry…. to cry over the parts of life that are unexpected and inconvenient. That’s a human thing to do. And there is value in learning to take the lessons, and blessings, and possibilities from those moments. Honestly, for me, sometimes that’s the only way I can get through them. I have to hold to my core belief that “God loves me too much to make me go through for no reason.” I learned that from my Pastor many years ago and it has kept me to this day. I have seen how some of the most how-is-this-my-life awful down moments have come back to mind to help me support someone else. It’s not always about me, sometimes my testimony is to give encouragement to someone else. I accept that life isn’t always about me and sometimes my lessons are to help someone else. So no matter what happens, I can’t help but find value in it.
Anyway, these words just came to me fresh from a nap. I’m not sure who this is for, and maybe it’s just for me. But I wanted to be honoring of the gift that was placed before me. Blessings to you and yours.
BuyMeaCoffee is a simple and secure way to support your favorite artists. It’s the equivalent of saying, “That was awesome! Here’s $5. Buy yourself a cup of coffee.” Since Marlene loves to drink matcha, you can use the button below to send her a cup of matcha and a note of appreciation. She’ll be so excited!
Last month, I posted a blog every day. It was an awesome challenge for me because it is EXTREMELY difficult for me to do something consistently for a WEEK, much less a month. I am super proud of myself for sticking with it, even when I didn’t feel like it. I am proud of myself for writing quite a few new blog posts during the 30 days, when I gave myself the out to post old ones. And I am proud of myself for keeping my word… to myself… which mattered most of all.
For the month of May, I gave myself a new challenge. And when I say a “challenge,” I mean a what-the-heck-was-I-thinking-this-is-bananas-and-way-too-scary-O-M-G kinda challenge.
So I’ve alluded to this thing for years, here and there in blog posts and an occasional random IG post that I am songwriter…. well a closet songwriter. I receives songs in my dreams. I wake up, record the hooks, verses, choruses, melodies, etc. then I go back to sleep. I typically don’t double back to even listen to them because hearing my own voice is awkward and weird and I tend to over critique myself.
Anywho, during my April of daily blogging I began to wonder what I would do when May arrived. A fleeting thought of sharing my music daily crossed my mind, but I quickly batted that thought away, because I would never do that.
However, I am also trying to dramatically change the results I’m getting in my life so doing something I’d never do sounded like the thing to do.
For the longest time, I’d have an idea, put myself out there, not get the “right” feedback, and then put myself back into hiding and stick with what I’m known for or just something safer. I think that each time I kinda stuck my toe in the water, I was hoping for someone to say or do something that gave me permission to step fully into my gift(s). What I realized recently is that everyone is doing their own thing and really committed to following their path and that although some people do get saved (not the Christian way), that to date I am not one of those people. I am a person who has to carve my own path, pull myself up and out of life’s wells. I have to find my own way back home. No matter how many times it’s looked like it, no one is coming to save me. (Real empowering, Marlene. ) ijs
Sooo…. one of my dreams has been to be a songwriter. I have tried over the years to learn software and learn to play the keyboard, learn to use recording apps and so on. And it’s been a really uphill waste of time. I still can’t do that crap well. And people with an income different that mine would say, “Just hire someone to do it.” Yeah. That’s not in the budget… AND I am tired of not making progress on my dream.
So I decided to start where I can. One of my biggest obstacles to being a songwriter is that I’m terrified to let people hear me sing or hear the rough recordings that I’ve made. That’s something I can work on. That’s where my “I May” Challenge was born.
Like I stated before, I have been waiting (in vain) for someone to give me permission to step into my role as a songwriter. It was as if I was putting out a little something here and there with the question, “May I please share my gift?” So I decided for the month of may to stop asking and give myself permission. So I labeled this month “I May” as in “I may share my gift.” I’m no longer waiting for permission.
So for the entire month of may I am challenging myself to share my music EVERY DAY. I have been writing snippets and pieces of songs for years—a chorus here, a verse there, some lyrics one day, a melody the next. I have been recording these snippets for years. I know that I have enough song fragments to post something every single day. And the challenge for me will be to: actually do it, overcome the self-criticism to hit “Post,” and to re-record any pieces that I feel I need to in order to ensure I have a daily post this whole month.
I’m not sharing these for critique. I’m sharing these as an act of bravery. And I’m sharing these to honor myself… my gift… that I have been wanting to do something with for over a decade. I’m tired of waiting for the perfect time to start, for the perfect support to help me, and for the fully completed compositions to magically be created before I grant myself permission to feel safe to share.
I’m doing it without feeling safe. I’m doing it because I cannot take it any more that I am still not sharing my music. I sing ALL DAY. I write songs ALL DAY. There is absolutely no reason for me to not be consistently and intentionally creating music. It matters too much to me.
So there you have it. Every day this month, I will post a song snippet…. whatever I have done so far on that piece. It will be vocals only because I’m not waiting til I have the skills. I’m putting it out as is and if you come across one of those posts, please give me a for the bravery alone. If you don’t like the song or have nothing positive to say (as always) please move along. When someone is trying, let’s be encouraging or silent.
So although I already (grudgingly) shared my I May Challenge Day 3 song in a separate post, I will leave the link below. Again, positive comments or silence. Thank you so much.
Geez, why I do this to myself. I guess that’s what it means to live a #LifeofYes.
BTW Maybe there’s something you’ve been wanting to do forever but never granted yourself permission. If it’s not hurting anybody else and it is a way to show love and honor to yourself and your dreams, maybe you want to join me with your own “I May” Challenge. I’d love to hear about it. We’re only 3 days in. You could even do it for just a week or 2 or 21 days. You can add the tag #IMAYCHALLENGE if you choose to join in.
Here’s to giving ourselves permission to be all we desire to be.
At some point, the daily posts changed from being just songs to a beautiful new podcast! I chose to name it simply #IMAYCHALLENGE Songwriting Journey w/ Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist. It’s about being my witness as I overcome fears and pasts beliefs and become more authentically me. It’s a conversation between me and you, as I share my stories and song for the day. I believe you’ll find it entertaining and empowering. A great companion for your commute.
Use the button below to check out the rest of the posts from this awesome challenge! I’m so proud of myself for doing this. Thank you for your support.
BuyMeaCoffee is a simple and secure way to support your favorite artists. It’s the equivalent of saying, “That was awesome! Here’s $5. Buy yourself a cup of coffee.” Since Marlene loves to drink matcha, you can use the button below to send her a cup of matcha and a note of appreciation. She’ll be so excited!
) ijs
for the bravery alone. If you don’t like the song or have nothing positive to say (as always) please move along. When someone is trying, let’s be encouraging or silent.
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