Today, I wrote my inner child a letter. I acknowledged all the effort she’s made to hold on to the title of “good girl.”

It was interesting because the journal exercise didn’t start out that way. As I was writing, the epiphany hit me. I suddenly understood the reason why my number one deal breaker in all relationships is noticing they don’t view me as a “good person.”

Today, I realized that a major reason why being seen as a good person matters so much to me is because of the reward system attached to being a “good girl.” I was a “nerd” and “shy” in school so acceptance from peers wasn’t high on my priority list. However, being seen as “good” by teachers and other authority figures was very important. For one, my mom told my homeroom teachers at every report card pickup that they had her permission to whoop me, if I got out of line. That fear alone ensured I never got in trouble. I didn’t even talk when I was supposed to in school.

It wasn’t just the fear of corporal punishment that kept me in line. I liked the favor I was bestowed by being “good.” Adults were extra kind to me because I was a good girl. I was the one they could rely on. I was the one they didn’t have to worry about. Because I was good, I didn’t have to endure the isolation of the playground—for not fitting in, for not having friends, and for not knowing how to jump (or turn) double dutch. I got to stay inside and help the teachers, because I was good. I got to bypass the playground and enter the school early—while the teachers were just regular people, having fun conversations, laughing and drinking their morning coffee, because I was good. I got to sit in the teacher’s lounge and watch All My Children during the lunch period, with no one objecting, because I was good. And when I had struggles with standardized testing and my scores didn’t correlate with my regular grades, my teacher wrote a personal recommendation letter for me, because I was good.

As I wrote that letter to my inner child, I realized how I went from being a “good girl” as a child, to needing to be a “good” everything throughout my life. When I was religious, I needed to be a “good Christian.” When I was coupled, I needed to be a “good girlfriend” and a “good wife.” In this stage, I need to be a “good parent” and “good mom.” Everywhere I turn, this good label follows me.

Today, I realized that it is just that…. a label. And labels can be removed. I can be seen as a good mom because I have a phenomenal relationship with my daughter, but if she acts out in school, or with her friends, someone can come and snatch that label. I can cook three meals a day for my husband, but if my house isn’t clean, I’m no longer labeled a “good wife.” I could never miss a Sunday, feed the poor, clothe the naked, but get caught coming out of a bar, or strip club, and I’m no longer a “good Christian.”

And that’s just thinking of how others can snatch my label. That doesn’t even include the long list of reasons that I internally remove and replace that label throughout my day, because of unrealistic expectations I put on myself.

Today, I said, “Eff that ‘good’ label.” Let that bish blow in the wind. I don’t want to be “good” or “bad.” I just want to be me. I just want to live the rest of my life being my most authentic self in every moment.

I don’t want to run myself down to nothing in an effort to prove I’m a good mom, or a good business owner. I don’t want to let someone run over me, and give everything regardless of what I get in return, just to say I was a good woman, good girlfriend, or good wife. I’m over trying to live up to unrealistic expectations that many leaders aren’t living up to so I can claim I am a good (insert religion here).

I’m done. I don’t care if you think I’m good. I don’t care if I think I’m good. I’m going to do my fluctuating best in every given moment. Some days I’m going to match the description of a good __________, and some days I won’t. And I don’t care either way.

What I am going to do is just be. Of course, I will have some standards. I have values and core beliefs that I abide by. I have moral standards and such, AND I am giving myself permission to just be. Authenticity is my goal. My best gets to fluctuate. I no longer need to meet some external standard of what qualifies me as doing it right. I get to set that standard… in the moment.

I’m done trying to live up to unrealistic standards based on comparison. I am my standard. I get to choose in any given moment what is best for me. And I hope that as you read this you begin to give yourself permission to drop some labels, too. It doesn’t mean that you have to stop pushing yourself, or no longer excel and achieve. It doesn’t mean you have to drop your standards. It just means that we get to set them.

We’re no longer seeking to prove ourselves to society. We are doing it for us. And maybe in some areas the standard is set, like at work, or in school. And in those areas we may continue to base our standards on those external rubrics. However, there are definitely areas in our lives where we get to choose how we define ourselves. There are definitely areas where we can show ourselves more grace.

Because when I’m not feeling well, my best is different from when I’m feeling 100%. When you’re dealing with grief or loss, your best can be different than the days where all is well in your world.

If “good” is meeting the external standard, then I give myself permission to be “bad.” I get to my own standards for what matters to me, what I prioritize, what gets my attention, and how I choose to show up in any given moment. I am done with living up to the labels. I’m done being “good.” I choose to be me, and I hope you give yourself permission to be you.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Co-Founder of SISTAMoms with Yvonne Monique Livingston LLC

Owner/Chief Empowerment Officer of MDillon Designs & Publishing Visionary/Podcaster at Share and Let’s Live!

Author/Illustrator/Designer of I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!

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Before I sat down to the computer tonight, I thought, “I’m just going to grab an old post to share.” But when I actually sat down and followed guidance to interlace my finger and take some deep cleansing breaths, I knew that new words would come from my heart.

Today was a day of epiphanies and growth, struggles and triumphs, frustrations and blessings. I am in a dance of letting go of the old and launching into the new.

It’s funny how habits that don’t serve us can be the hardest ones to release, while new practices are hard to…. practice. I would think that the thing that brings me what I want would be the easy choice, but the grooves we’ve made by walking that other path makes it real easy for our wheels to take us down the old route.

Let me tell you something I learned about ADHD, from my therapist. When I was in school (undergrad intro Psych class), I learned about “object permanence.” It’s the reason why you can play peekaboo with a toddler but not a newborn. Once you cover your face, you’re gone to that infant. Well, the same “out of sight, out of mind” happens with some people with ADHD.

I don’t know enough about it (because it’s still new to me) to know how common it is percentage-wise, but I know for me, it’s a big challenge. When I have an exciting new project I’m working on, it has my focus up until it becomes too challenging. Once I hit a wall, I pivot and do something else. My intention is to get back to it. I’m just taking a little break. But what happens is I completely forget that I was working on it at all. Weeks and months can go by and then I’m looking through the files on my computer for an image and then I find the designs I created for that project. Sometimes I laugh at myself. Sometimes I do the Homer Simpson facepalm (“Doh!”). And other times I get really down on myself for failing to complete yet another project.

The same thing happens with my workouts and healthy eating plans. I’m going strong until something shifts in my schedule that causes me not to do the new practice and then it’s “out of sight, out of mind.” By the time I remember, I have to start all over from scratch, or just lack the same level of drive I had when I began originally.

With that said, I am trying to gather myself to complete outstanding projects, while I pivot toward my next chapter. I’m doing this while navigating life, raising a teen, building a business, doing a ton of inner healing, and stepping into what I feel is most natural to me, while stepping over all the insecurities it brings up.

I’m in a place of feeling extremely excited and extremely burned out simultaneously. If I shared with you all I’ve navigated while showing up here, you’d never believe me, but the thing is that I love doing this. I love sharing insights and uplifting posts. I love making sense of the circus that aspects of my life can be. AND I need a vacation. If I actually believed people would give, I’d start a GoFundMe to send myself and my daughter on a vacation, cuz boy do we need it. It’s been a rough year or two. And we keep rolling….

I looked at myself on my phone this evening and even the SnapChat filters couldn’t hide the fatigue. It’s like my eyes have started packing bags for our vacay.

I need a breakthrough. I need a blessing. I need some time away by the water. I need to remember what ease feels like. I need rest and relaxation to reset my mind so I can keep doing this work, and the other important work I really want to get to…. #songwriting

And in the meantime, I need to figure out how to consistently show up, despite how my brain works, and despite the fatigue. Or…. better yet… maybe I need to figure out how to rest without guilt.

A thought came to me this evening about that cliché, “You snooze, you lose.” I realized how often there are societal messages that warn us against ease and relaxation, in favor of being constantly alert, vigilant, and busy. If you take a midday nap after 9 years old, you’re “lazy.” If you’re up working ’til late, “burning the midnight oil,” you get congratulated and inducted into “Team No Sleep.” And if you’re a mom and share the week’s worth of tasks you completed today before bed, you’re called “such a good mom.”

I’m exhausted of being exhausted. I want to rest without the guilt. It’s hard enough managing this squirrels-juggling-while-riding-unicycles mind of mine without adding massive levels of sleep deprivation.

The times when I’ve been kind to myself and taken a guiltless, midday nap, I’ve seen MIRACULOUS things occur. Some of my greatest triumphs have occurred while I was knocked out sleeping. I remember being just overwhelmed and frustrated one day, so I took a nap to get the ugh off of me. I woke up, checked my email, and had a message that my children’s book I’m Proud to Be Natural Me! was now in multiple libraries in the Chicago Public Library system. I had been trying forever to do it on my own, but it seemed like I was just getting in the way. One librarian and one phone call and I was asleep while it was happening. I have so many stories of having major shifts occur while I was resting. And I believe that sometimes our angst is what’s blocking the flow of what’s already ours. (And given that angst is my most prominent emotion…. I probably need to be sleeping way more.

Even though I know this about myself… that I gain clarity, I reset my focus, I shift out of negative emotions, and I approach my work with a vibrant second wind, I still force myself to stay up all day and night because I don’t want people looking at me like I’m lazy. But today, I really thought about how much I’m probably getting in my own way. If I’m not focused, I’m not doing quality work. I’m staring at the computer.

It’s time to let all that go and just stop caring so much about other people’s opinions. I’m at point where I people can just think what they want. My family can call me “lazy.” They can assume that I’m not trying. They can believe whatever they want. I’m gonna let myself sleep when I’m tired. I’m going to challenge myself to go to bed when I feel I haven’t done enough to earn sleep. I’m going to gift myself rest so I can have the clarity of mind to be productive when I’m awake. I’m gonna let people’s opinions be theirs… so rest can be mine. And I’m gonna start tonight.

I’m going to bed as soon as I post this. If you see me up, tell me to go to bed.

If you’ve been running your body down “burning the candle at both ends,” maybe it’s time to check in with yourself, or meditate on how often you allow yourself that level of deprivation. For me, it’s become a lifestyle, and I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m getting some rest. Maybe you should, too.

Goodnight…. I mean, Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Co-Founder of SISTAMoms with Yvonne Monique Livingston LLC
Owner Chief Empowerment Officer of MDillon Designs & Publishing

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Today, I woke up and was guided to go for a walk in a historic district I frequent. I love being in the area because the architecture is so fascinating.

Some years ago, I did some research on the area because I was so intrigued. The more I learned the more I wanted to know. More recently I’ve noticed what appeared to be guided tours and I longed for being in a position to afford a ticket to go. I assumed they must be expensive.

A few days ago, I saw a post on social media about national parks offering free entry. I forgot the reason why. I checked to see if any national parks were near me thinking I could visit one day with my daughter. As I did my quick search, I was so excited to see that the area that I am so fascinated with was on the list as a national park! I went to their site and made note of the days and times I could visit for a tour.

Fast forward to today. I felt a really strong leading to get dressed and get to the area for an early morning walk. I haven’t had uninterrupted “quiet time,” to reflect and introspect. So I shook off the urge to stay in bed, followed that internal guidance, hopped in my car and got there. I parked and walked, and sat and reflected, and walked some more. It just felt like a really guided time of “time to sit,” “time to get walking, again.” I just kept following that “voice.”

At the end of my walk, I decided to take the long way back to my car so I could view a few of the amazing houses a block over from where I parked. As I stopped on the corner in front of one of the largest houses, I saw a little display with information cards. As I reached in to grab one, a lady approached who was walking her dog. She greeted me and told me that they were offering two tours today, and both were free! She said that I should come back later for one of the tours.

It was the coolest thing because I have been wanting to go on architectural tours my entire adult life. I AM FASCINATED BY ARCHITECTURE. But, unfortunately, whenever tours were going on, I was unable to attend for one reason or another (typically money related). Every year, as the summer came to a close, I would be so disappointed that I once again hadn’t done a single tour. To find out that one of the areas I’m fascinated with was offering a tour that was my perfect price (free), and it was close enough that money couldn’t interfere in another way (i.e. not enough gas), AND it was early enough in the day that other responsibilities wouldn’t get in the way, I was beyond elated….

So, I did go back later, and I attended the tour! I nearly backed out because I was running a little late, but I made myself not worry about that. I went in and sat down to listen to the brief lecture and joined the group to walk over to one of the houses…. IT WAS BLISS! It was what I always hoped a tour like that would be. I got to go inside the home and hear stories about the family that lived there. I got to observe all the cool interior details: like the original hardwood floors, an old school sewing machine, and an ice chest! It was so cool experiencing this structure that has been there since the 1800’s. I was in there walking up the creaky winding staircase of a home I’ve passed for so many times with curiosity about what I was like inside.

After the tour was over and I reflected on my time, I got to see how following guidance early this morning led me to experience one of my dreams. I realized that spirituality isn’t always about sacrifice, struggle, and going without. Sometimes spirituality is about following an inspired thought, that leads to another, and another that leads to an experience you’ve always wanted.

Today, I was inspired to love myself enough to get up early while the world was peaceful, to take a walk in a neighborhood I adore. By doing something so simple, I walked right in to an opportunity I’ve wanted for so long. I can’t help but wonder if life gets to be this simple…. that all the striving is unnecessary. Maybe I get to just glide from one inspired thought to next and without real effort—at least not the kind I’m used to—I can experience everything I’ve ever desired.

My experience today combined with some other amazing experiences I’ve had over the last few days has me thinking so differently. During my walk I was inspired to start looking for the good in my life, to start intentionally observing the beautiful things. I’m convinced that is why I was in the right place at the right time today. As I was walking and resting, admiring and observing, I was so at peace. I was appreciating the architecture and beauty I could see, and then an opportunity to see more opened up to me.

I followed what brought me joy and more joy came to me. I looked for what made me smile and gained more smiles. I paused to appreciate what was beautiful and I got to see so many beautiful things.

This was one of my best days of my life. I really savored my experiences. And it all began with simply appreciating the beauty around me.

I am ready to shift in my life. I want to experience more peace, joy, and ease. Maybe that starts by shifting what I focus on. I’ve heard it a million times, and even said it (“where focus goes, energy flows” and all that).

I feel like today offered me an opportunity to pivot. I loved today and as I focused on the beautiful things more beauty unfolded. As I parked in front of my house, I noticed a robin by my bushes trying to pull a string with its beak. I knew that string was tied and the robin was going to need help. I grabbed my scissors and slowly walked over, allowing the robin to move safely out of my reach, but still close enough to observe. I cut the string, left it on the side by the bush, and went to grab my things. It brought me so much joy to know that I got to play a role in helping a robin build its nest. Instant bliss.

Today, I learned I can control my focus….

My day was full of blissful moments, because all day I focused on beautiful things. The outcome taught me how much focus really does matter. Instead of trying not to focus on what’s wrong in my life, or worse, focusing on it directly, I simply intentionally noticed and enjoyed the beauty around me.

I’m going to do more of what makes me smile. I’m going to notice more of what’s beautiful. I’m going to remind myself to expect things to work out. I’m going to appreciate what I can appreciate. I’m going to follow my bliss. And I hope you will, too.

Blessings!

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Did you find this post inspiring?

Marlene would love to hear from you! If this post inspired you, comment below.
You can also send Marlene a secure gift online via BuyMeaCoffee.

BuyMeaCoffee is a simple and secure way to support your favorite artists. It’s the equivalent of saying, “That was awesome! Here’s $5. Buy yourself a cup of coffee.” Since Marlene loves to drink matcha, you can use the button below to send her a cup of matcha and a note of appreciation. She’ll be so excited!