Vulnerable Post:

Tryna shake some old messaging…

So I have this belief stuck in my mind that desire all I do, all I’ve done, and who I am, that… I’m not that smart, that others get to do it but not me, and people are never gonna value me/my work like they do others.

And that’s the work. I had no idea when I began this post, that I was being set up to publicly do my inner work. I thought I was about to get the fun out of asking you to tell me my worth. But it doesn’t work that way. (plus, I’ve done it before. It helps but it doesn’t internalize.) What I realize is that I have to tell myself. I cannot receive it (fully) secondhand. I have to undo this mess myself.

So here I go, publicly (hear the clenched teeth and grimace) clearing out the bullsh*t. Oh boy…

I am intelligent. Anybody who could go to school everyday, be in class completely lost, and go home and teach themselves every night so they could nearly understand enough to get through class the next day… then do it again that night, and all week, only to cram Thursday night and learn it so well she got a near perfect score on the quiz/test, is clearly highly intelligent. I mean, shit, I taught myself MULTIPLE subjects through grade school and middle school. No way I could do that if I was stupid.

And this is for my inner child…

I understand why you thought this meant you were stupid. You felt like, “I can’t keep up in class like everybody else. That means I’m stupid.” When I got home, everybody was able to do their homework on their own, but me. I’m stupid.” “Everyone understands the teacher, without needing help. I’m stupid.” But let me tell you something you didn’t know–something I’m just finding out, now. We have ADHD. It’s this thing that makes it hard for us sometimes to process information. Is that too big for you? Do you understand those words? Yes. I understand. Sometimes we don’t get it. Exactly. It’s because sometimes when people are talking–like the teacher at the front of the class–we get distracted because somebody moved, or if making noise, it because we’re afraid she’s going to call on us, so we stop listening and can only hear our fear thoughts while she’s talking. We miss a lot of information throughout the day because we drift and start daydreaming. And I want you to know it’s not your fault. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means that your brain is…special and needs more breaks, and sometimes it needs somebody to remind it that you were focused on something and have to pay attention. Sometimes we get distracted by a particular word that doesn’t make sense and then we miss the rest of the directions. And sometimes we just need someone to explain things to us differently and we’ll totally understand….

The hard part, and I’m so sorry this is what it’s been for you, is that sometimes people don’t understand this and they make you feel bad for not understanding or keeping up. And…can I tell you something? You’re so smart that people didn’t believe that you were struggling. Huh? Yeah, because you were so smart that you taught yourself, your grades were so good that no one even noticed. They just thought you were lazy and not trying. They didn’t even know how scared and exhausted you were from having to go through this daily, for all those years. I’m sorry that you had it so hard. I’m sorry you didn’t have support. I’m sorry that no one saw you were struggling. You’re very smart and you’re very worthy and you deserved better….

I don’t think anyone did it on purpose…that they saw you struggling and just didn’t care. Well, that’s not fully true. I think you know for sure who did…. But I mean at school. I don’t think your teachers knew. I think they assumed you just weren’t trying until you had to, but that wasn’t true. They probably saw you weren’t doing the homework but would pass the tests and assumed you were just being lazy, and didn’t want to do the work. And they probably thought you just didn’t want to be called on or go to the board because you were “shy.” They were wrong. I saw you trying every day in class to understand, to do the work, to focus, to stay alert, to hear what the teacher was saying through all the fog in your mind. And I was there as you sat in terror hoping they didn’t call on you because you couldn’t remember what they just said, and didn’t understand, and didn’t want to be embarrassed….

And you know what? I want to help other kids. I want to teach teachers to be more sensitive and aware of how they make kids feel when they aren’t catching on. And I want to help teachers recognize the signs of Inattentive ADHD, that’s the kind you have. A lot of girls have it and no one notices. They think you’re just daydreaming and that you’re not completing work because you’re “lazy,” or that your behavior doesn’t mean anything, that you’re “just being a girl.” Yeah, it’s sexist. And it’s unfair. And it leaves you (and a lot of girls, and probably some boys, too) feeling stupid and lazy and unable to do things, or understand things, when all you really needed was someone to see that you needed help, and for them to actually help you…. Remember when Shaun Little’s grandma would come to school, and she’d sit with you and help you understand? She’d take the time to explain the directions and show you what they wanted you to do, and then she’d show you a few more example problems, and soon you could do it by yourself? She really helped you and you appreciated her, and that’s all you really needed…. a kind, patient adult to sit with you and not make you feel bad for not getting it right away. You were smart, you could figure it out. You just needed a little more time and few more examples so your mind could process the rules, and catch on to the patterns….

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re smart. I wish they helped you. I wish they saw you needed help. You deserved support. Your mind is beautifully special. Your daydreaming and drifting is what allows you to be such an amazing artist, what helps you love and appreciate nature, and what helps you notice when someone else is hurting. It’s just that when you’re in school and need to pay attention, it can be a little tricky, but you got through it. You gave yourself what you needed. And now you have a master’s degree! You’re so smart that you taught yourself! You were your own teacher from kindergarten on! You’re amazing! You never have to question if you’re smart enough. You were doing the job of a grown up when you were a kid! Your brain just needs what it needs. And that’s okay. If you’re loving and kind and give it more time, and more information, and a few extra examples you usually catch on. So be kind to yourself. Be like Shaun Little’s grandma.

You’re very very smart. And I love you very much. You’re more capable than you know, and you’re going to help so many people…. You already are.

How about I explain the rest later? Okay. Thank you.

…. Thank you for listening.

Blessings,

Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist

Resource: Yay! I remembered! So here is the book that has been tremendously helpful to me in learning about inner child healing.

• Recovery of Your Inner Child by Lucia Capacchione