“Moving On Up: What’s Your Default Emotion?” by Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
I’m learning that my default emotion has a lot to do how I’m typically experiencing life. Using the Abraham-Hicks Emotional Guidance Scale (Google it), I am learning to identify my emotions and where they fall on the continuum.
As it is my intention to live a life of freedom, passion, and enthusiasm, I realize that I have to be more intentional about paying attention to how I feel. I can work my way up the emotional scale. And I can be intentional about spending most of my time in certain emotions that feel way better than the ones I have defaulted to for far too long.
I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I have a daily podcast on SoundCloud. If you enjoy my blog posts, you get to hear the voice behind these posts. I love doing the podcast because it’s a little freer and you get to hear more of my personality. The name of my podcast is Share & Let’s Live!
On today’s episode of Share & Let’s Live!, I tackle this topic, and share where I am on the emotional guidance scale and where I’d like to be. And I challenge you to move with me up the scale. Use the button below to check out my podcast.
If I do something for you, I do it to be nice. I don’t do it as a down payment on your future servitude, or to ensure your only answer is, “Yes,” when I ask for anything in the future.
Over my years on this earth, I have encountered many people who love transactionally. Over time, I came to notice that their love for me changed when I didn’t do what they wanted. And I realize that their generosity at times of need were actually a gifts with strings.
Love is pure… or at least that’s the intention. In my opinion, expresses acknowledgment, acceptance, and appreciation of another. It is not a deposit on a future return.
Acts of kindness come from that pure space. They are given to the other person FOR the other person. They are not given secretly as future gifts toward ourselves. Acts of kindness are not meant to be deposits toward obligatory acts of service. It’s a one-way offer.
And, yes, it’s natural to hope, and/or desire reciprocity, but I don’t feel it should be demanded.
The unfortunate “gift” of being in an uncomfortable financial situation is that I’ve received numerous opportunities to witness transactional love. I’ve had people walk out of my life because I refused to do tasks for them that I didn’t have time to complete. These people felt that since they’d helped me in the past, it was offensive for me to tell them, “No.” Since they supported me in the past, they felt I needed to MAKE time to support them.
So, in case you’re one of those people, let me explain something to you. For me, having ADHD (which I do not treat with medication) means that I am ALWAYS working. (Even my naps are so I can have energy to do more work.) I am in a constant state of trying to catch up with a continuously growing, out of control past-due-list. Even when I’m sitting “idle” my mind isn’t. When I’m randomly posting on Facebook, it’s not because I have free time. It’s because I am likely so overwhelmed that I can’t even figure out where to start.
So when people come to me with side projects that have NOTHING to do with what’s on my already overflowing, overdue to-do-list, and want me to make their request a priority, my VERY REAL response is, “I actually don’t have time for that.” And I mean it. It’s offensive to them, because how dare I tell them, “No,” after they did blah blah blah for me. But how dare YOU do blah blah blah for me, and the whole time feel like you just signed a secret deal with me? In your mind your somewhere you’ve decided this act comes with conditions, while out your mouth you’re saying, “it’s “no big deal,” “that’s what friends are for,” and “I’m just grateful I could help.”
You call that kindness, but I call that fake. You’re misrepresenting your intentions. That’s stuff narcissists do. Are you a narcissist? Because giving with the focus being on what you get out of it is…. Well…. I’ll just leave that alone.
“Transactional love” to me is a toxic and fake form of intimacy. Real love, in my opinion, is reasonably unconditional. (I say “reasonably” because, you shouldn’t be getting your ass beat, and sticking around excusing it, because love is unconditional. Ass whooping is a condition for leaving. Unconditionally love their abusive self with a few states between you.)
The thing is that when people are voluntarily kind to me, I receive that kindness and truly accept it as a gift…. not a transaction. I don’t say, “Thank you,” with the belief that now I am indebted. Even with the people who have shown me in the past, that’s what they’re on, I assume they’ve had a change of heart when the bless me again. I really want their words to be true. I think I’m finally being loved the way I love others and I’m so happy…. until they come to collect.
I know that’s what it is because of the level of disappointment and silence when I tell them, “No. I actually don’t have time for that.” I can see the way they internalize the, “How can you tell me, ‘No,’ after all I’ve done for you?” It’s in the silence and that initial blank facial expression. It’s in how their demeanor completely changes and they’re suddenly speechless. At no point did they think I could possibly say, “No,” because they bought my, “Yes.” Or so they thought, because I don’t play those games.
When I express my gratitude from the pure place where love resides…. I am grateful, but not obligated. If it’s a loan, or a direct request for a service, then I owe you, but if you tell me a gift, guess what I think it is….
Exactly.
Just because you gave me your cash does not now mean I owe you my time. Don’t call it a gift “from the kindness of your heart” and then act like you bought me. Don’t bless me and then tie obligation strings to me. Just because you did whatever does not mean I have to be ready to jump whenever you ask for help.
I don’t give that way, so I don’t think that way when other give to me. If I do something for someone, they don’t owe me. It would be a nice bonus if they were there for me, treated me similarly, or offered reciprocity, but that’s OPTIONAL.
Gifts are gifts. They are not transactions. They do not buy you the rights to a person’s time, attention, and service. And if you feel they do, then realize those are not gifts. You are bartering. And the other person has the right to know they have entered into a bartering agreement with you by accepting your conditional benevolence. #ISaidWhatISaid
BTW, I feel the same way about parents who take great care of their children, “because I’m gonna need them to take care of me when I get old.” That’s transactional, too. Can’t you just take care of your children because they are your children… and you love them… and want the best for them? Honestly, they’ll be more likely to do these things in the future, if you they receive your love from a pure place.
Don’t call it a gift from the kindness of your heart, and then act like you’ve bought rights to a person’s time, attention, and service. Don’t bless me and then tie obligation strings to me. Don’t expect me to jump whenever you ask for help. I may CHOOSE to go out of my way when you need me, because I appreciate what you did AND I’m able to show up for you in that moment. But if it was truly a gift, I don’t owe you. Because you gave me your cash does not mean I owe you my time….
My lack of time for you has nothing to do with a lack of appreciation. I barely have enough time to sleep or shower. I am YEARS behind on projects that are actually important to me… projects some of you have been waiting for me to publish.
I get so bogged down with work that I often forget to cook. I’ll be making dinner at 9 pm. I hate when people help me out and think now whenever they need something done they can call me and my answer is supposed to automatically be, “Yes.”
Don’t make unspoken contracts with me. I don’t honor them. If you say it’s a gift, that’s exactly what it is. If I thought it was a down payment, I might’ve declined your offer.
I’d rather you be straight up and say, “Hey. I’m giving you this and from on, when I say, “Jump,” I expect you to say, “How high?” Give me the right to opt out. Don’t just be acting funny when I tell you, “No.”
Yes, this is related to something that happened recently. No, I’m not going to tell you what it was. Yes, I believe people who do this feel completely justified. No, I’m not going to do what they asked of me. Yes, I’m likely to have a real conversation with them about thinking when they give a “gift” that they are buying my time.
No, I’m not letting them get away with it. Yes, I can be grateful without being obligated.
Point? YOU CAN BE GRATEFUL WITHOUT BEING OBLIGATED. Stop locking people into invisible contracts you made up in your mind. Stop holding grudges and being offended by people thinking your gifts are just that, gifts. Start using your words and if you have expectations attached to your benevolence, say so. Continue giving from the kindness of your heart with NO expectations.
Like Pastor Clay Evans and my Fellowship family would say, “It’s just nice to be nice.”
Sometimes we feel that healing is done when we release someone from blame. There’s a tendency to forgive someone and then feel that it’s over. But the reality is that although we may have new clarity about how and why things happened, we still have wounds and beliefs that need to be healed. I was finally able to put words to this. I hope this brings you healing.
As we grow and learn more about our pasts, it’s important that we prioritize our healing. We’re taught to be selfless, even to the point that we will show more empathy toward a person who hurt us than we do toward ourselves.
In understanding the circumstances that shaped the people who hurt us, it is important to not avoid blame so much that we stunt our own healing and growth.
As we get older and become parents, aunties, and uncles, we begin to learn more about our past. We hear stories we never heard, and learn new details that help us understand why the adults of our childhood did (or didn’t do) this or that. And with that awareness we often replace blame toward them with guilt toward us for how we’ve viewed them to this point.
It’s healthy to see life through different perspectives. It’s fair to reframe our stories as new information is added. And this new information we gain in adulthood does not automatically heal the pain and impact these experiences had on our inner child.
It is not supportive to our mental health to gain this new information and expect that the beliefs we developed about people, life, and ourselves are suddenly healed. You may understand why he left, but you’re still dealing with a fear of abandonment. You may now understand that she was a far better mom than her mother, but you still struggle with loving yourself. Just because we can empathize, does not mean we ignore the impact those experiences had on us.
We develop most of our core beliefs about ourselves, others, and how life works before we’re 8 years old. Those areas in our lives that we just can’t seem to get together are likely due to beliefs developed during this time in our development. If you grew up with a cruel or absent parent, and struggle with self-worth or maintaining healthy relationships, you may have a deep belief like, “If my own mother didn’t love me, who else will.” You may not even be aware of it, but it’s impacting your relationships. Understanding that your mom was abused as a child may help you meet her with more compassion, but it doesn’t heal your inner beliefs about loving yourself. That work still needs to be done.
The purpose me writing to you today is to tell you it’s okay to heal your perceptions of those around you, but don’t forget to heal the perception you developed about yourself. Don’t be so quick to empathize toward others, but never turn that empathy toward yourself. Don’t go around forgiving others, but never take the time to have healing conversations with yourself.
As we grow up, we come to learn parts of stories that we didn’t know before. We get to understand how people became who they did, and why they behaved as they did. Go ahead and forgive them, if that’s your next step. But don’t forget that your experience of them had impact.
You can empathize, forgive and all that. You can make sense of their behavior. AND your inner healing is not just about understanding their behavior. It’s about the messaging.
We internalize messages from how people treat us, especially during the developmental stages of birth to 7 years old. We can’t just forgive people and think, “Oh, now that I understand why she did that I can move on.” (Yes, if you weren’t deeply impacted, but if you are struggling in areas of your life because of these past hurts, your work is not done.)
We can be positive and understanding and empathize with everybody, AND we need to empathize with ourselves. We may still need to heal the messaging. We can forgive them, AND we still need to heal from the impact of who they were, how they behaved, and how they treated us.
Whether we acknowledge it or not, the messaging is running our lives. The beliefs we developed about what their behavior means is running the show. We may get why dad was cruel. Maybe he was nice by comparison to what you learned about his mother. AND maybe you don’t “blame” him because you now understand how he became who he was. AND your inner child is still cowering in fear of being treated that way again. Maybe she’s pushing away healthy relationships for fear of being hurt. Maybe he’s engaged in self-destructive habits because he never felt valued. Maybe they are not going after opportunities because they were discouraged from dreaming….
Go on. Heal your relationships. Just don’t forget to also heal yourself.
Let me tell you… This is likely the hardest season I’ve ever been through. This is beyond the sleeping in the car, the soup kitchen, and even being in an emotionally abusive relationship. This season has been like putting a lightweight in the ring with a heavy weight. No breaks. No rest. No reprieve. Just one thing after another. In short, life has been whoopin’ my ass.
And, of course, since I’m me, I can’t help but see the good, glean the lessons, acknowledge the blessings.
I was sitting here thinking about how the devastating emotional blows of this week have given me: clarity, insights, answers, and a new understanding of the deep and long-lasting impact of childhood trauma.
This week I got to see how being neurodivergent has presented itself throughout my life. I’ve become painfully aware of all the ways I have gone without support. I have had gut-wrenching conversations. I have pushed myself to do more, show up more, engage more, risk rejection more in the last 3 days than I probably have in the last 3 years. I have been “forced” to make decisions I would never voluntarily make, and I’ve had to accept the unacceptable.
And with all of that, I cannot help but see my growth, my resilience, and all my lessons. I see how the extensive, crushing experiences of this week helped me process some deep trauma. I got to see how moments in my life came together to create messages that still affect me. I got to see how having neurodivergent challenges coupled with a belief that I “no one will help me” have created tremendous strain in my life and many missed opportunities.
This week has been by far one of the hardest and most emotionally devastating weeks for me. (And it’s only Wednesday.) What I’ve experienced however has caused me to come to some conclusions about myself, and others, that are freeing me from a lot of the pressure I put on myself.
I got to see people show up for me, and I got to see who didn’t. I got to witness how I want to be loved, and the standard for what that looks like. I got to see how my top tier people are the ones who show up for me the way I show up for others. I want to be loved the way I love. And I accept that not everyone will love me that way, but I do expect it from my top tier people.
I realized how blessed I am. I realized what struggles I deal with. And I found out who I can call on to support me. I came to realize that the little girl who no one would help is now a grown woman who has people in her corner. I realize that the little girl who did all she could, in vain, to be seen, now has so many who see the truth of who she is. I realized that the effort I put into convincing people of who I am is pointless… that people see what they want to see, what they expect to see, and what they’ve been told to see. And I no longer compete with their view of me. They can believe whatever the hell they want, and that goes for everybody.
I grew so much this week, and I’m grateful. The process damn near killed me, but I’m grateful that I am still here to tell the story.
Have an amazing whatever time of day it is for you.
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If you love my blog posts, my podcast is even more me, more honest, more raw, more engaging, and more empowering. (Plus you get to hear my sexy sultry voice. lol)
Don’t bless me and then tie obligation strings to me. Just because you did whatever does not mean I have to be ready to jump whenever you ask for help.
Yes, I believe people who do this feel completely justified. No, I’m not going to do what they asked of me. Yes, I’m likely to have a real conversation with them about thinking when they give a “gift” that they are buying my time.
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