Anxiety can be crippling. Where does it come from?
For me anxiety presents itself as thoughts that my body immediately reacts to with panic.
I was thinking today, what are the thoughts and memories that lead to anxiety? What are the main 3 ways it presents itself to me?
1) You’re doing it wrong. Don’t make a mistake. One of the most crippling things when I’m moving forward on a goal, is when my mind convinces me that “they” are not going to like it because it’s not good enough. As a kid who wasn’t celebrated for good grades, but always admonished for any variations in the straight A’s pattern, I knew that making mistakes was unacceptable. I soon learned that doing well was the expectation; it didn’t garner praise. I lived for praise. Perfection was the standard. So I learned that if I couldn’t do it perfectly, I might as well not try at all.
Now, as an adult in her 40’s, I still struggle with starting projects before I’m completely certain I can do it perfectly. I plan… and plan… and plan some more.
You can only imagine how many projects I don’t even start, and how many more I don’t finish.
I didn’t realize ‘til now that perfectionism is not only at the root of my projects that take forever to complete, but also the ones I start and stop.
2) Don’t ask for help, others have their own stuff to do. One of the most challenging parts of being neurodivergent is that I nearly always need help, but I’m conditioned not to ask for it.
I’m sure childhood stuff is at the root. It was a regular/daily occurrence that I’d ask for help and be told I “should have learned it in school with everyone else.” Or they told me they have their “own work to do” so I needed to “figure it out.”
To this day, I’m still trying to figure it out. And since my mind processes things so differently, and takes longer to do it, my figuring out typically leads to long seasons of not completing things, and frustrating moments of dealing with problems and not choosing the most obvious solution. When it comes to problem solving, what’s obvious to “most” people is rarely obvious to me.
3) They’re not gonna like it. It’s funny that I never thought about how that phrase (“like it”) has two meanings. I realize now that the current struggle was influenced by the original.
Let me explain. So I have always been creative and artistic. Yes, I would draw all the time as a kid, but I also would fix things and create things. I would build models of objects out of index cards. I remember I created a camera (the old school type where the back opens and you put the film in), with a button you could push down all out of index cards. I think it even had a zoom lens. I sat by myself working on it for hours. I also loved to draw. I would sketch all the time, but no matter how good my work was to me, my teachers, and classmates, I was never met with excitement or awe or encouragement at home. I just got a dry, “Oh,” and maybe a semi smile that implied my artwork wasn’t that fascinating.
But I continued to show the same people over the years, hoping for that moment of excitement, awe, or encouragement. I rarely, if ever, received it.
It doesn’t matter so much now, as I get to understand their personalities with adult eyes, but as a kid it mattered and definitely influenced my beliefs, behaviors, and expectations. It’s no wonder that on social media receiving likes and hearts (or not receiving them) had so much power over me, and regularly encouraged/derailed my progress.
So today, I took a little nap after doing some journaling. In my dream, I received some guidance.
“Don’t let your fear be stronger than your intentions.”
— Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
I woke up to these words, “Don’t let your fear be stronger than your intentions.” Those words led me to start writing this piece. I wasn’t sure if it would be a journal entry for me, or a blog post/podcast episode for you.
Earlier today, long before my nap, I was meditating and came to the awareness that I have been living for intentions that are outside of my control. Even if my original reason is for the joy of doing it, by the time I post it, those fears kick in and my intention becomes both for the joy and for some form of external reward. Of course, being honest about that feels icky but I’d rather just out it and do differently moving forward.
Here are some examples of doing things for an external reward:
If I buy my daughter something she’s been wanting forever, I picture her joy and big hugs and seeing her all but skipping away happily as I give it to her. That joyful expectation fuels me as I go to whatever lengths to supply her with the gift. But if she receives it and is grateful, but not overjoyed, my happiness drains from me and I’m back miserable again until the next idea comes to me.
As I create what I’m certain will be my most life-changing, trajectory-shifting post to date, I’m so joyfully eager to post it so people’s lives can be changed for the better. Then, I post it, and hear crickets, and the tumbleweeds go rolling by. The only ❤️ reaction on the post is mine. Let’s just say feeling deflated is a gross understatement.
Today, during that meditation time, it came to me that I need to set intentions differently. And one of those differences is that my intentions need to be within my control.
Just like I did as a kid, I offer what I’ve created and wait for a joyful response and often get nothing in return. But with the way social media is run by bots (human and manmade) that have their own intentions, I can’t even control who sees my posts, much less if they react to them. And that’s the whole point….
I have to stop creating with the expectation of a return. I know the business coaches may have a problem with this, but they aren’t about to work with me for free anyway so WHATEVER.
What I’m saying is that I need to focus on what’s within my control. I can have the desire and even an internal intention that this one day leads to expansion, abundance, being known around the world, etc. But my main intention needs to be pure, direct, and within my control.
Okay so “within my control” may make sense, but what do I mean by pure and direct? I mean that I can’t say my intentions are for one thing when they are really for another. Like if I say, I am sharing a post to make people smile, but I’m really sharing the post because I’m broke and want people to buy my products. I need to be clear within myself and aligned with my intentions as I put out content.
My new standard is that I: must be aware of the root of why I am doing what I am doing, and get aligned with my truest intentions (rather than my fears) before I put out content. No more panic posting. Truly aligned, intentional, and heart-centered posting is my new standard.
I guess that’s all I have for you, today. Thank you for being here!
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 