If I do something for you, I do it to be nice. I don’t do it as a down payment on your future servitude, or to ensure your only answer is, “Yes,” when I ask for anything in the future.
Over my years on this earth, I have encountered many people who love transactionally. Over time, I came to notice that their love for me changed when I didn’t do what they wanted. And I realize that their generosity at times of need were actually a gifts with strings.
Love is pure… or at least that’s the intention. In my opinion, expresses acknowledgment, acceptance, and appreciation of another. It is not a deposit on a future return.
Acts of kindness come from that pure space. They are given to the other person FOR the other person. They are not given secretly as future gifts toward ourselves. Acts of kindness are not meant to be deposits toward obligatory acts of service. It’s a one-way offer.
And, yes, it’s natural to hope, and/or desire reciprocity, but I don’t feel it should be demanded.
The unfortunate “gift” of being in an uncomfortable financial situation is that I’ve received numerous opportunities to witness transactional love. I’ve had people walk out of my life because I refused to do tasks for them that I didn’t have time to complete. These people felt that since they’d helped me in the past, it was offensive for me to tell them, “No.” Since they supported me in the past, they felt I needed to MAKE time to support them. 
So, in case you’re one of those people, let me explain something to you. For me, having ADHD (which I do not treat with medication) means that I am ALWAYS working. (Even my naps are so I can have energy to do more work.) I am in a constant state of trying to catch up with a continuously growing, out of control past-due-list. Even when I’m sitting “idle” my mind isn’t. When I’m randomly posting on Facebook, it’s not because I have free time. It’s because I am likely so overwhelmed that I can’t even figure out where to start.
So when people come to me with side projects that have NOTHING to do with what’s on my already overflowing, overdue to-do-list, and want me to make their request a priority, my VERY REAL response is, “I actually don’t have time for that.” And I mean it. It’s offensive to them, because how dare I tell them, “No,” after they did blah blah blah for me. But how dare YOU do blah blah blah for me, and the whole time feel like you just signed a secret deal with me? In your mind your somewhere you’ve decided this act comes with conditions, while out your mouth you’re saying, “it’s “no big deal,” “that’s what friends are for,” and “I’m just grateful I could help.”
You call that kindness, but I call that fake. You’re misrepresenting your intentions. That’s stuff narcissists do. Are you a narcissist? Because giving with the focus being on what you get out of it is…. Well…. I’ll just leave that alone.
“Transactional love” to me is a toxic and fake form of intimacy. Real love, in my opinion, is reasonably unconditional. (I say “reasonably” because, you shouldn’t be getting your ass beat, and sticking around excusing it, because love is unconditional. Ass whooping is a condition for leaving. Unconditionally love their abusive self with a few states between you.)
The thing is that when people are voluntarily kind to me, I receive that kindness and truly accept it as a gift…. not a transaction. I don’t say, “Thank you,” with the belief that now I am indebted. Even with the people who have shown me in the past, that’s what they’re on, I assume they’ve had a change of heart when the bless me again. I really want their words to be true. I think I’m finally being loved the way I love others and I’m so happy…. until they come to collect.
I know that’s what it is because of the level of disappointment and silence when I tell them, “No. I actually don’t have time for that.” I can see the way they internalize the, “How can you tell me, ‘No,’ after all I’ve done for you?” It’s in the silence and that initial blank facial expression. It’s in how their demeanor completely changes and they’re suddenly speechless. At no point did they think I could possibly say, “No,” because they bought my, “Yes.” Or so they thought, because I don’t play those games.
When I express my gratitude from the pure place where love resides…. I am grateful, but not obligated. If it’s a loan, or a direct request for a service, then I owe you, but if you tell me a gift, guess what I think it is….
Exactly.
Just because you gave me your cash does not now mean I owe you my time. Don’t call it a gift “from the kindness of your heart” and then act like you bought me. 
Don’t bless me and then tie obligation strings to me. Just because you did whatever does not mean I have to be ready to jump whenever you ask for help.
I don’t give that way, so I don’t think that way when other give to me. If I do something for someone, they don’t owe me. It would be a nice bonus if they were there for me, treated me similarly, or offered reciprocity, but that’s OPTIONAL.
Gifts are gifts. They are not transactions. They do not buy you the rights to a person’s time, attention, and service. And if you feel they do, then realize those are not gifts. You are bartering. And the other person has the right to know they have entered into a bartering agreement with you by accepting your conditional benevolence. #ISaidWhatISaid
BTW, I feel the same way about parents who take great care of their children, “because I’m gonna need them to take care of me when I get old.” That’s transactional, too. Can’t you just take care of your children because they are your children… and you love them… and want the best for them? Honestly, they’ll be more likely to do these things in the future, if you they receive your love from a pure place.
Don’t call it a gift from the kindness of your heart, and then act like you’ve bought rights to a person’s time, attention, and service. Don’t bless me and then tie obligation strings to me. Don’t expect me to jump whenever you ask for help. I may CHOOSE to go out of my way when you need me, because I appreciate what you did AND I’m able to show up for you in that moment. But if it was truly a gift, I don’t owe you. Because you gave me your cash does not mean I owe you my time….
My lack of time for you has nothing to do with a lack of appreciation. I barely have enough time to sleep or shower. I am YEARS behind on projects that are actually important to me… projects some of you have been waiting for me to publish.
I get so bogged down with work that I often forget to cook. I’ll be making dinner at 9 pm. I hate when people help me out and think now whenever they need something done they can call me and my answer is supposed to automatically be, “Yes.”
Don’t make unspoken contracts with me. I don’t honor them. If you say it’s a gift, that’s exactly what it is. If I thought it was a down payment, I might’ve declined your offer.
I’d rather you be straight up and say, “Hey. I’m giving you this and from on, when I say, “Jump,” I expect you to say, “How high?” Give me the right to opt out. Don’t just be acting funny when I tell you, “No.”
Yes, this is related to something that happened recently. No, I’m not going to tell you what it was. 
Yes, I believe people who do this feel completely justified. No, I’m not going to do what they asked of me. Yes, I’m likely to have a real conversation with them about thinking when they give a “gift” that they are buying my time.
No, I’m not letting them get away with it. Yes, I can be grateful without being obligated.
Point? YOU CAN BE GRATEFUL WITHOUT BEING OBLIGATED. Stop locking people into invisible contracts you made up in your mind. Stop holding grudges and being offended by people thinking your gifts are just that, gifts. Start using your words and if you have expectations attached to your benevolence, say so. Continue giving from the kindness of your heart with NO expectations.
Like Pastor Clay Evans and my Fellowship family would say, “It’s just nice to be nice.”
Blessings,
MDillon Designs & Publishing 