Sometimes we feel that healing is done when we release someone from blame. There’s a tendency to forgive someone and then feel that it’s over. But the reality is that although we may have new clarity about how and why things happened, we still have wounds and beliefs that need to be healed. I was finally able to put words to this. I hope this brings you healing.
As we grow and learn more about our pasts, it’s important that we prioritize our healing. We’re taught to be selfless, even to the point that we will show more empathy toward a person who hurt us than we do toward ourselves.
In understanding the circumstances that shaped the people who hurt us, it is important to not avoid blame so much that we stunt our own healing and growth.
As we get older and become parents, aunties, and uncles, we begin to learn more about our past. We hear stories we never heard, and learn new details that help us understand why the adults of our childhood did (or didn’t do) this or that. And with that awareness we often replace blame toward them with guilt toward us for how we’ve viewed them to this point.
It’s healthy to see life through different perspectives. It’s fair to reframe our stories as new information is added. And this new information we gain in adulthood does not automatically heal the pain and impact these experiences had on our inner child.
It is not supportive to our mental health to gain this new information and expect that the beliefs we developed about people, life, and ourselves are suddenly healed. You may understand why he left, but you’re still dealing with a fear of abandonment. You may now understand that she was a far better mom than her mother, but you still struggle with loving yourself. Just because we can empathize, does not mean we ignore the impact those experiences had on us.
We develop most of our core beliefs about ourselves, others, and how life works before we’re 8 years old. Those areas in our lives that we just can’t seem to get together are likely due to beliefs developed during this time in our development. If you grew up with a cruel or absent parent, and struggle with self-worth or maintaining healthy relationships, you may have a deep belief like, “If my own mother didn’t love me, who else will.” You may not even be aware of it, but it’s impacting your relationships. Understanding that your mom was abused as a child may help you meet her with more compassion, but it doesn’t heal your inner beliefs about loving yourself. That work still needs to be done.
The purpose me writing to you today is to tell you it’s okay to heal your perceptions of those around you, but don’t forget to heal the perception you developed about yourself. Don’t be so quick to empathize toward others, but never turn that empathy toward yourself. Don’t go around forgiving others, but never take the time to have healing conversations with yourself.
As we grow up, we come to learn parts of stories that we didn’t know before. We get to understand how people became who they did, and why they behaved as they did. Go ahead and forgive them, if that’s your next step. But don’t forget that your experience of them had impact.
You can empathize, forgive and all that. You can make sense of their behavior. AND your inner healing is not just about understanding their behavior. It’s about the messaging.
We internalize messages from how people treat us, especially during the developmental stages of birth to 7 years old. We can’t just forgive people and think, “Oh, now that I understand why she did that I can move on.” (Yes, if you weren’t deeply impacted, but if you are struggling in areas of your life because of these past hurts, your work is not done.)
We can be positive and understanding and empathize with everybody, AND we need to empathize with ourselves. We may still need to heal the messaging. We can forgive them, AND we still need to heal from the impact of who they were, how they behaved, and how they treated us.
Whether we acknowledge it or not, the messaging is running our lives. The beliefs we developed about what their behavior means is running the show. We may get why dad was cruel. Maybe he was nice by comparison to what you learned about his mother. AND maybe you don’t “blame” him because you now understand how he became who he was. AND your inner child is still cowering in fear of being treated that way again. Maybe she’s pushing away healthy relationships for fear of being hurt. Maybe he’s engaged in self-destructive habits because he never felt valued. Maybe they are not going after opportunities because they were discouraged from dreaming….
Go on. Heal your relationships. Just don’t forget to also heal yourself.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
#growth#growthmindset#empowerment#positivevibes
Owner/CEO MDillon Designs & Publishing
Author/Designer I’m Proud to Be Natural Me!
(Children’s books Personalized gifts #naturalhair#birthdaygirl#birthdayboy)
Podcaster/Visionary/Creator Share and Let’s Live!
#Udemy Instructor, Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship (Course for parents #parenting#parentinggoals#communication#healing#online)
MDillon Designs & Publishing 