Let me tell you… This is likely the hardest season I’ve ever been through. This is beyond the sleeping in the car, the soup kitchen, and even being in an emotionally abusive relationship. This season has been like putting a lightweight in the ring with a heavy weight. No breaks. No rest. No reprieve. Just one thing after another. In short, life has been whoopin’ my ass.
And, of course, since I’m me, I can’t help but see the good, glean the lessons, acknowledge the blessings.
I was sitting here thinking about how the devastating emotional blows of this week have given me: clarity, insights, answers, and a new understanding of the deep and long-lasting impact of childhood trauma.
This week I got to see how being neurodivergent has presented itself throughout my life. I’ve become painfully aware of all the ways I have gone without support. I have had gut-wrenching conversations. I have pushed myself to do more, show up more, engage more, risk rejection more in the last 3 days than I probably have in the last 3 years. I have been “forced” to make decisions I would never voluntarily make, and I’ve had to accept the unacceptable.
And with all of that, I cannot help but see my growth, my resilience, and all my lessons. I see how the extensive, crushing experiences of this week helped me process some deep trauma. I got to see how moments in my life came together to create messages that still affect me. I got to see how having neurodivergent challenges coupled with a belief that I “no one will help me” have created tremendous strain in my life and many missed opportunities.
This week has been by far one of the hardest and most emotionally devastating weeks for me. (And it’s only Wednesday.) What I’ve experienced however has caused me to come to some conclusions about myself, and others, that are freeing me from a lot of the pressure I put on myself.
I got to see people show up for me, and I got to see who didn’t. I got to witness how I want to be loved, and the standard for what that looks like. I got to see how my top tier people are the ones who show up for me the way I show up for others. I want to be loved the way I love. And I accept that not everyone will love me that way, but I do expect it from my top tier people.
I realized how blessed I am. I realized what struggles I deal with. And I found out who I can call on to support me. I came to realize that the little girl who no one would help is now a grown woman who has people in her corner. I realize that the little girl who did all she could, in vain, to be seen, now has so many who see the truth of who she is. I realized that the effort I put into convincing people of who I am is pointless… that people see what they want to see, what they expect to see, and what they’ve been told to see. And I no longer compete with their view of me. They can believe whatever the hell they want, and that goes for everybody.
I grew so much this week, and I’m grateful. The process damn near killed me, but I’m grateful that I am still here to tell the story.
Have an amazing whatever time of day it is for you.
Blessings.
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
If you haven’t checked out my podcast, please just watch/listen to one episode. You can pick the one with the best title, the best meme, the shortest length, or the highest views. I just ask that you check it out. No one wants to put their all into something and have no one give it a chance. You can press play and do something else. It’s a podcast. You don’t have to sit and watch. And I ask you to watch not just so I can have more views. I created this podcast because I believe it can give you insights that can change your life. I don’t want you to miss out.
If you love my blog posts, my podcast is even more me, more honest, more raw, more engaging, and more empowering. (Plus you get to hear my sexy sultry voice. lol)
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