There’s a scripture that says, “Love (charity) doesn’t keep a record of wrongs.”
As we’re on this journey of loving ourselves more, by shifting what we’re imagining, I realized that one habit I have is drifting off in thought as I make lists of offenses.
It’s like if you walk into the bathroom and see the cap off the toothpaste, or someone left one swallow in the bottle of orange juice in the fridge, or they used the car and left it with no gas.
We have a tendency to get heated in those moments, then immediately drift into thought about all the other times they (or others) did similar irritating things. Or maybe it’s not a specific incident that has upset you, but an ongoing circumstance. Maybe your card got declined at the register, despite having your fingers crossed, and as you hurriedly left the store in embarrassment, you found yourself recalling every other embarrassing moment regarding money—every time you came up short and just didn’t have enough. And before long, you’re deep in a daydream of lack, convinced that things will never get better.
Well, the reason I can write this is because I can relate to it. And I know that we can’t have the lives we want when we’re constantly daydreaming about what we don’t want. Focus is a powerful thing—maybe the most powerful thing. So if we want to turn the tide toward having more of what we desire, we have to stop flowing our focus toward what brings us pain.
If we begin to look at our focus as a prayer to the universe, saying, “More of this please,” maybe we’ll be more committed to keeping our focus on what we want. Focus expands things because our attention is a sign to the universe that we’re interested and a signal to send us more.
You can notice this phenomenon when you have a certain car or color that you love. The more you focus on it, the more you begin to see it everywhere. Maybe you’re into royal blue sports cars. Once you start excitedly noticing them on the road, it’ll soon seem that everybody has one. Maybe there’s a certain headboard you’ve been considering buying. Now, on every tv show and movie you see a similar headboard in every bedroom scene. It’s because our focus causes us to notice more opportunities to repeat the experience. The rub is that it it doesn’t matter if you’re focused with intense joy or disdain. Our intense focus, filled with intense emotions will produce results.
I personally hate this fact—just being honest. Since I have ADHD, intentional focus is challenging for me. I have to work really hard to choose what I focus on. It’s easier to focus on what I’m used to ruminating on because those neuropathways are well-worn. The grooves in my mind that lead toward having not enough money are paths my thoughts have traveled MANY times. That groove is deep and traveling that path of thought is automatic. It takes intentional effort for me to choose more empowering thoughts, and to focus exclusively in ways that lead to what I want.
I woke up today and the first thought I had was of something annoying. Without any effort, another similar memory rushed in, then another. And that’s when my inner guidance kicked in and offered the suggestion that I stop the stream of annoying thoughts by listing memories I love.
It made me think of my recent podcast episode where I talked about a concept I called “piggybacking.” Let me explain. When we want to create a new habit, a helpful hack is to attach the new practice to one we do every day automatically. For example, if you’re trying to start saying positive affirmations, and you do your makeup every day, you can make a commitment to yourself to say your affirmations while you do your makeup. You can visualize your dream life while you drink your first cup of coffee/tea. You can make your gratitude list while you workout, or at night as you remove the decorative throw pillows from your bed.
Similarly, we can use “piggybacking” to shift unsupportive habits. If you have a tendency toward drifting off into negative daydreams, as I do, we can attach our new intentions to that old habit. We all have moments where we mindlessly find ourselves thinking of all that’s wrong with life, listing all the bills and things we can’t afford, and remembering each person who did us wrong. We can use those automatic b*tch sessions to trigger our minds to recall thoughts that fill us with love, peace, and joy.
I’ll use myself for an example. Since my desire is to bring in more money, I need to shift from thinking about lack. I recognize that this is challenging for me, since I’ve been doing it since CHILDHOOD. However, even long-held habits can be dissolved by replacing them with new habits.
As I’m writing this, I accept that the way I’ve been doing things is not getting me what I want. I can’t keep complaining about it and not doing what I know I need to do to shift the tendency. So today I acknowledge that I’m over being broke, and giving broke thoughts so much airplay in my mind. I am now committed to using this hack of “piggybacking” to shift from “lack-bombing” my mind.
So when I find myself in a stream of broke, lack-filled thoughts, I will yell out loud or in my mind, “PIVOT!” (just like Ross on Friends) and begin to recall moments of walking into the bank to deposit checks, moments of receiving cash from numerous ATMs, and moments of opening birthday cards and Christmas cards and seeing cash fall out. I’ll recall the days of picking up my check stubs from the office, and the relief of knowing direct deposits had been made. I’ll recall the times at the register when I was filled with relief as I saw the word “APPROVED” on the screen, or heard the sound of my receipt being printed, alerting me that my payment went through.
And I won’t just remember those moments. I will relive them. I won’t just stand back in my thoughts and watch myself like it’s a TV show. I will zoom in and be fully present in those moments. I will feel the coolness of the metal counter at the bank as I wait patiently for my check to be deposited, and I’ll feel the paper and weight of the envelope as she hands me my cash. In my mind I’ll embellish the memories and ask for mystery flavored lollypop. I will feel the envelope and receipt in my hands, as I stuff them in my purse quickly before reentering the parking lot. I’ll hear the door close behind me. I will feel the relief of checking my PayPal balance and seeing a new deposit from Udemy because new students purchased my online parenting communication course (Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship). I will feel myself well up with gratitude and surprise as I notice a new deposit in my Venmo—a random act of kindness from a supporter who appreciates my blog, podcasts, and positive presence on social media. I’ll relive the excitement of receiving a deposit from Amazon, and new funds in my CashApp account, because someone purchased multiple copies of my children’s book I’m Proud to Be Natural Me! I will both recall and recreate memories of having enough money and saying, “Yes, we can go,” to my daughter when asks for custard from Andy’s, sushi from our favorite restaurant, or for us to take a vacation. I’ll rehearse holding my phone steady and adjusting my newly endorsed check just right on the dark surface for my mobile deposit. I’ll see the green checkmark appear on my screen, letting me know I did a good job and it’s time to photograph the other side. I will relive and revise each of those beautiful moments with the same intensity that I have habitually relived and created the many memories that brought me anxiety and pain.
If we think about it, we likely have some memories that we can recall where life matched the blueprint of how it’s supposed to be. We may have a few moments, here and there, when it felt like life was on track. Even if there weren’t that many, we can begin to relive them so often that our mind is convinced that there were tons of them and evidence to support our focus will become readily available. I honestly believe that just in the focus I gave as I wrote this post that I have reminded my mind that my life is meant to be abundant. I definitely created new grooves and deeper pathways toward the life that I want. It really is that simple.
We can use our unsupportive tendencies to create new supportive habits of thought. We can use our avalanches of negative thoughts to trigger us to PIVOT! We can intentionally shift our focus to memories that feel good and empowering. We can use our imaginations to support our dreams and desires.
Make a commitment with me today to do your best to PIVOT! and choose thoughts that serve you. Observe your tendencies lovingly. You’re on your team. You’re not trying to catch yourself doing something “bad” so you can guilt trip yourself. This is an act of loving awareness. A moment of, “Oops. I was doing that thing again. Time to PIVOT!” Make it fun. Laugh at your mind and lovingly move into your pleasant memories.
Let’s create some new grooves—new pathways in our brains—that lead to more of what we desire.
Blessings!
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
MDillon Designs & Publishing 