Venting….
Imagine being in the middle of the ocean not fully knowing how to swim but too committed to staying alive to go under .
Lately I have been feeling the weight and the exhaustion of staying afloat. I saw a meme once that said something like motherhood is like being ejected from a plane and on the way down you have to attach everyone’s parachute, but yours. Then you hit the ground, but you don’t die. You just get up and make dinner.
I’m sure I butchered the original wording, but that’s my take on it. And if I’m being fully honest, I didn’t start attaching and opening everyone else’s parachutes when I became a parent. I’ve been doing it my whole life… Putting myself last and being “‘okay’ as long as everyone else is okay,” has been a way of life from childhood. But was I ever okay?
Lately, I’ve been looking back, trying to make sense of present challenges. And the thing that’s weird and a bit sad is I can’t remember being happy. As far back as I look I can remember loneliness isolation feeling in the way feeling out of place but I can’t remember a time of feeling consistently happy.
Every once in awhile I come across one of those posts where some person who clearly had a happy childhood make some general reference about if you can remember drinking from a garden hose or watching The Flintstones or some other random childhood memory that you definitely had a happy childhood. Each time I see those I realize how unaware people can be that everyone doesn’t share their experience.
I was sitting here writing in haiku format to get the thoughts out of my head and this is one of my journal entries…
“People call me strong.
At best I’m moving broken.
Half dead but won’t croak.”
It was this haiku that got me writing this. It was a bit jarring, but honest. When I tell people that I’m tired they suggest that I take a nap. But how long is a nap for someone who has been emotionally exhausted for over a decade? How much restorative sleep and relaxation is needed for someone who has been dragging themselves along, trying (in vain) to keep up since kindergarten? How many days do you take off when you have been trying to stay afloat in the ocean for 40 years?
When I say I’m tired I’m not talking about I need a nap. I need reprieve from the weight of my best efforts never being enough. I need a rest from the solution to every problem being more work. I need the kind of rest that doesn’t feel like I’ve set myself back. I need to be able to rest and know that I haven’t put myself even farther behind.
I saw a post the other day that said something like adulthood is needing to cry non-stop for 4 days, but not having the time to do it. I think I could cry non-stop for 2 weeks. But who has the time?
I was talking to my daughter in the car as we were driving to the store and I just told her that my to-do list just gets longer. It’s just more stuff even as I complete things more things are added so it never gets shorter. And no matter how much I do how much I overcome how much I accomplish still have to endure haters who say I ain’t doing sh*t. And I have to overcome my own mind that is saying the same, because despite what I do I am still dealing with the same problem. That gets to you after a while.
And this is just me letting off steam. I intro by saying that I’m venting. I don’t have any give up in me. Regardless of how much I may want to or be tempted to. I’m going to keep going I’m going to keep growing and going to keep making adjustments in how I think talk and show up.
And tonight I’m giving myself the freedom to admit that that doesn’t always feel good…. and that it can be exhausting… And then maybe only one person can relate, but to whoever you are just know you’re not alone. I’m not giving up and I’m asking that you don’t either.
I have the audacity to believe that it does get better than this. That regardless of how it feels, or looks, right now that things can get better, we can get better, and we can handle life better. I believe that life gets to be enjoyable, that it’s not over, that I am within reach of what I need to know, believe, or experience that turns the tide… that becomes my life raft… that makes what felt permanent become temporary. Even if the circumstance cannot change, we can change how we handle and process it. I believe that. I believe there is more for us, and holding space for you and myself at this moment. Do. Not. Give. Up. Let’s see what’s on the other side of this.
Blessings,
Marlene Dillon Empowerment Specialist
Praying for you right now… for us. 🙏🏾🤗🙏🏾
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