Interaction I just had with my teen daughter….
Me: Do you want to pick that stuff up off the floor?
Her: No. Actually I don’t.
Me: Can you please pick those things up off the floor?
Her: Sure. See. It’s all in how you ask.
The difference between me and many parents is I don’t get offended by her honesty. I don’t mind rephrasing the question. I don’t mind asking rather than telling. I respect her right to not feel like doing something. I don’t walk in telling her to do things. I walk in and connect with her first. We had a full conversation with me noticing, but not staring at, the things on the floor. And I waited until right before I was leaving, when we were in a good place, to comment on it, and respectfully asked her to pick the things up. I trust that when I go back in there, they will be picked up. And if they are not, I don’t have to fly off the handle and accuse her of ignoring a direct order. I don’t have to get offended. I can just remind her to do it and ask her to get it done by _______.
As our children get older, they are more aware of their likes and dislikes, and their desire for autonomy grows. They are more aware of their right to do things they want to do and not do things they don’t. It’s not a reason to be offended.
As we age, our desire to choose for ourselves is kinda automatic. It’s a natural part of growing up. For many parents, the “it’s my way or the highway” style is the go-to. But given how advanced this new generation is regarding their human rights and emotional intelligence, “because I said so” is a bit antiquated.
These teens want to understand our reasoning behind our requests. They want to know why it needs to be done exactly now and not later, and why it’s important at all. Our willingness to give more information is a huge tool for improving communication between us and our teens. Their pushback is merely a natural part of getting older. It doesn’t have to be seen as disrespect.
What you can get a 20 year old to do, a 30 year old will at least have questions first. What you can get a 30 year old to agree to, a 40 year old will politely decline. If you ask a 50 year old to do something they’re not interested in, they’ll tell you straight up. And when they hit 60 and above, just brace yourself. #straightnochaser 
It’s not personal. It’s growth. We can teach them, through communication, how to respond/question respectfully. They are growing, and if we want peace in our homes (and healthy relationships with our teens), we have to be willing to grow, too.
I really just want to help families heal. If this made sense to you, or gave you another perspective, you’ll love my online parent communication course, Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship. It’s available on Udemy. You might even catch it on sale if you hurry.
For more information about Healing Our Families: Healing the Parent-Child Relationship, check out this great informational video!
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